IcyZ

2012-01-28T20:48:00.002+08:00

my first CNY in my own nest~ honestly, the feeling is rather over-whelming... erm~ not so much for the peace and quiet but more like i was flooded with work and struggling to just get through day by day

Dad went to Malaysia on the eve of CNY and i was tasked to look after the company till he return. my bet is that he didn't quite have a choice to have me to look after the company but he didn't quite have a choice because all of his other friends have to spend CNY with their families too~ so ya, he's stuck with me for now.

Reunion dinner at in-laws was awesome... nice food, chatty in-laws and of course, our very cute "ah pui"... i missed him so bad when i was away and it is really refreshing to see him wagging his tail at me once again and when i carried him he felt so heavy (guess i was kinda used to carry Meko who is so tiny)

the rest of the CNY days was spent working my ass off, driving around the island and having to shun those idiotic drivers whom only drive once a year in a rental for CNY~ they are seriously road hazards that should be not be allowed on the road!!!

On the first day of CNY~ me, knowing the husband love the traditional lion dance, i invited a group to come perform on the first day and of course, the husband invited his parents and they had fun while i was stuck in the office working... by the time i got home, all is left are the peeled mandarin oranges and green lettuce on the floor~

the next few days was some visiting and working... mostly working and lazing at home actually... was so tired!!!

i have been forcing myself to stay awake for the past few days when i returned to avoid jet-lag, and so i was really sleep deprived for a while then all the work and driving really wore me out... by 12am i was snoring already and waking up the next day was equally painful

Ever since i came back, it was just busy busy busy... cleaning the house, working, more cleaning and more working... perhaps this is a good thing coz all these stuff distracted me from thinking that this is the first CNY i ever have without my family.

to say that i did not once think of them is B.S~ yes, i thought of them and wondered but that's all i did coz i know it won't do anyone any good if i were to pick up the phone or sent an email~

so~ now that the CNY is almost over (though there is 15 days of it), on Tues the husband will be returning back to work and so will i have to return to my triple identity of a student, employee and the wife~

just a little food for thought:
people say it is hard to lose someone you love, and it is hard to get over it,
but when you lose enough people you love and you lose it hard,
it sort of become easier to see people walk away and to walk away yourself.

i often hang it by my mouth "the door is always open~ feel free to come in or see yourself out"...

another quote i've got it off the movie but it somehow kept ringing in my ear...

来时欢喜去时悲，空在人间走一回，
不如不来亦不去，亦无欢喜亦无悲。

2012-01-18T21:52:00.002+08:00

Wow... been an awfully long while~

i'm surprised to see that there are still "regulars" checking out my blog despite that it was "abandoned" for so long...

It was a struggle should i blog or not, more than often i would start a draft and write till about half-way then i'll simply just shut the window down and walk away. it is not so much about what i don't want to share, but it is more along the line of who is reading.

Few months have passed since i'd moved, settled down and now~ i've just returned from my long-awaited Xmas trip... this trip in particular was different from the past ones that i've planned. this trip had a different purpose... of course, it was to spend time with my loved ones there and then the other underlying purpose was for me to think through my life, reflect what happened in 2011 and what can i do to make 2012 a better one. Given 6 months ago, i would have resigned to my life and simply shrug it off saying this is part of my fuck-up life and stuff~ but now things are different... i've moved out of the very dysfunctional family, no more momma drama, screaming, yelling, cursing and lying... no more psychological warfare, no more waking up feeling stress and not sure if i should even make myself a cup of coffee...

waking up to this new environment is something i'm still getting used to~ i'm not complaining but i don't quite know how to describe this feeling... maybe coz i'd never felt this before so let's leave it at that shall we?

This trip to Portland was nice~ somehow i felt lighter, easier and perhaps more room to enjoy the cold weather and of course being insane to be smoking out at in shorts in the middle of the night but the cold air somehow lets me think better, reflect better and i would have taken the rocking chair back with me if i could (just kiddin')

honestly, i'm not quite sure what to say right now~ but this is the first CNY i have without my family (all the Queks) so maybe i'll get emo here and there, maybe i'll enjoy my beer or Gin watching TV? i dunno...

one thing i am now ready to do is... since i cannot control who walks into my life, i get to decide who i want to toss out of my window and yes, i already have a list~

Kinda random huh? ya~ i know...

gotta swing by for my psych appointment tmr... hope all goes well ya?

gotta run some errands to prepare for CNY then... the CNY~

laterz!

2011-10-17T16:59:00.002+08:00

i did say i will try to update this blog more regularly than the past and now that i've got my laptop serviced and return, i can actually walk around the house and blog while watching TV in the living room or lazing in my bedroom... feels more at ease without having to look over my shoulder if mom is gonna start her drama or yelling or blaming or anything.

over the week, there are some misc stuff to handle... some loose ends from the renovation, some this and that to attend to... just stuff... i am barely getting used to and just keeping myself busy so to distract myself from feeling some rubbish or just being plain emo about stuff...

before i decided to blog, i did wonder if some of "them" are reading and what they would think/ feel after reading, but then again, since when do i blog for audience? so seriously, i don't care~

It has been about 2 over weeks since we moved and so far things are settling down rather well... finished unpacking, got myself familiar with the house and where things are kept, did house work and stuff... basically i established a cozy nest that is very much a reflection of my own personality. simple~ and dark...

i spend most of my time in my own study room while the husband parks himself at the couch in the living room... we do not watch TV together becoz what he watch i don't and what i watch he don't... I have the Starhub cable in my study and MIO for the living room... sounds pretty "wow" huh... LOL~

Family drama wise... part of me wonder how mom and bro are doing now... ever since i moved out of the residence... we did not contact each other and especially after i changed my mobile number, i know they will now have the "excuse" for not calling because i changed my number without telling them. fact is, they have my other number and email... if they cared enough, they would contact me via other ways... but nope~ nothing... so i guess this is rather clear where we stand now...

Dad has been busy with all the "dinner functions" especially now he'd been honored with the title of "PBM"... he tried dragging me along to the dinner but i'd only managed to blow him off once~ he introduced me to these people that i will honestly NOT remember and of course, dad also made no attempt to hide that if bro did not fall out with him, it would be bro instead of me that is being "flaunted" around... Thanks Dad!

even though now i have my own "nest", it still feels so alone... perhaps this is what i should expect when i decided to be "neutral" towards dad and mom's divorce because clearly the message was "if you are not with us, you are against us"... so i sort of asked for it... who can i blame huh?

now i have the luxury of putting all sorts of soda drinks in my fridge, walk around the house without feeling intimidated... what i feel lacking still is some Gin and beer...

maybe i will feel better and more adjusted as time goes by,,, so i'm still looking forward to the one day that i will wake up and realize that it is me and me alone now...

Yesterday (16th October- Sunday), we have changed the padlock on the main gate, the letter box and got a lock-smith to open up the room that the crazy bitchy (whatever other very unkind words i can think of) was occupying. indeed, she had moved everything out but still locked up the room for the sake of making things difficult... the condition of the room is okay but i cannot believe she can live in such a mess and dirt and dust for so long~ seriously???

for the first night since we moved back, i do not have to lock my study room and other rooms before going to bed as i am very certain and sure that she will not suddenly return or anything...

Today (17th October- Monday), at 10am~ the husband went down to the Branch Office of HDB to sign the papers and handover the cheque to the estate officer and as from that very moment on, the husband is the sole co-lessese of this house and that bitch is history and out of our lives for good...

there are some "outstanding" dispute as we demanded her to return the TV and sound system but she claimed that she paid for it without being able to produce any receipt or evidence to back her claim, then she even went on to say that she paid for the TV console, the sofa set and the dining table and her portable air-con unit... this is actually really funny because the TV console was a built-in feature BEFORE they bought this house... so how can she "pay" for it? then the sofa and dining set is even funny because the husband got them from the furniture store that is owned by his good friend, we will be able to produce receipts or even a sworn statement to prove that the husband paid for it... as for the portable air-con unit, we did not see it at all... even if i did, i do not remember so... (with pun intended)

but anyway, i did email my lawyer and said that we do not intend to pursue this matter further because now that the transfer is completed and achieved, there is no point demanding the return of those items as it doesn't worth the value and effort invested to recover it. it is more like just to irritate and challenge that bitch~ then again, no point stooping to her level (which i believe is 6 feet under)...

as from today, that bitch is history, yes, we had to pay her $36K but honestly, if we were to sell this place now, $36K is actually "nothing" from the "profit" we would make thanks to the rising costs and value of housing in SG... i guess this is still a win for us because in the end we get to keep the house, and she did not get the desired amount she wanted, and after paying off her legal assistance, i doubt she actually get to keep much... so ya, i consider this a win for us...

anyway... this is about all i have right now...

will blog when i have more to share...

take care you all!

XOXOXO!

2011-10-10T01:46:00.002+08:00

Damn, this would be another "void" in my blog, but hopefully from now i would be able to update them more frequently than before as i am more or less settled down in my new nest...

yes, i said new nest~ meaning the "BIG" house moving and all has already taken place and that after a week of unpacking, packing and stuff... i am now sitting comfortably in my study room which looks almost exactly like my old room at the Saraca Terrace's residence...

It was on the 29th Sept that we officially moved... prior to that~ there were a lot of drama already going on in my family which is of no surprise at all~ i mean, i grew up in a very dysfunctional family with unconventional values... so ya, i inherited the dark and twisted side from them~ NOT A GOOD THING...

Just as i was beginning to pack for the move, bro came into my room chatting but i could feel and hear that he's on his toes trying NOT TO MENTION about mom and his new residence and how it is this BIG huge secret that i can never know~ then i asked (though i'd already known the answer), that if he were to have a house-warming party, will he invite me, without second thoughts he said NO. He said that my mere presence would make everyone uncomfortable~ so i guess it is clear cut enough... so the day i officially move out would be the day i "lost" my entire family.

Moving over to the new residence, a place i call home from now... can be terrifying. i mean the first couple of days are busy with the still on-going renovation and unpacking, tidying up the place and stuff, so i was not as emotional about it than before~ good and tiring distraction do wonders...

So then i thought, i'd lost my mom, then brother... (you do realize i left out "sister"? we were never close to begin with), but at least if i were to go work, i would still see my uncle at the desk~ at least someone "related" to me and it is a familiar face i'd seen for so long~ my whole world changed when dad called me one day saying uncle had left the company~ i was in shock...

it suddenly dawned upon me that i'd lost my entire family (besides dad- coz i'm this he say jump i ask how high- monkey)... but the being me~ the one that sucks at adapting to changes... i am still learning to cope with the new environment, with the new surroundings and all~ don't get me wrong, the location of this new residence is cozy, just 5 mins walk from the mall which has almost everything... so that is awesome! and now that the husband takes public transport to work, i get to drive the car and life should be a lot more cozy and happier~ waking up to an empty house is something i have to get used to... so i'm learning, i'm coping... i'm trying...

i no-longer need to fear waking up to drama or hear mom bitch about how this she so doted daughter decided to suck up to dad and the woman that supposedly tore this family apart, Truth be told, dad and Irene are together for 15 years, whom ever dad decides to let go, will still be wrong....

When the husband and i officially moved back, i have not once saw the BITCH~ i mean prior to our move-in, she had already not returned for a few days maybe because of all the dust and dirt and the smell of paint... so it is rather "good" for me coz i do not want to face her alone cuz holding back my anger and logic of not wanting to slap her would be a torture...

there was only one time, i was still sleeping but the husband was out~ that bitch stormed into my bedroom and went to check the toilet thinking her stuff is still inside but truth is i'd tossed them to the trash just last night~ the husband rushed back and i think he would have slapped her if not for me... LOL~

i'm feeling better and i'm learning to let things go... i would be fine~

on the side note,
academically, i'm not doing that well~ for my Juvenile Delinquency Exam #2, i only scored 62 points which is a "D" which means fail in my degree requirement. i need at least 70 points to be a "C" ....

i never really realize that this whole divorce, house moving, renovation etc would eat me up inside... till i receive the email from my professor~ my mind went numb and froze... i had not failed any subject since the day i started my degree and so i have no better explanation for this except perhaps i wasn't trying hard enough...

anyway, i will update more regularly once my lap-top is back from servicing... the screen has been "weird" so they claim that it should be ready for collection within 3- 5 working days... yippee...

that's it for the night... that's it for this entry~

stay tuned...

XOXOXOX

On the side note: We are born alone, we live alone and we die alone, only through love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we are NOT ALONE
(Orson Welles)

2011-09-15T19:11:00.002+08:00

This has got to be the longest void since my last entry since the day i started with this blog...

from time to time i want to blog but somehow, Google Chrome doesn't quite like blogger cause every time i try to launch the page, it would say "Not Found, Error 404". so i sort of have to use other interface to blog and then i got lazy...

after getting lazy then came busy... then one thing after another...

i know i have a lot to update, so where shall i start?

Ok, let me begin with my studies...
Currently i have about 3 NEW classes: Forensic Evidence, Theories of Crime Analysis & Biological Psychology and the other that is still sticking out like a sore thumb is Juvenile Delinquency Exam #3. I finally took exam #2 just about a week or so back and i would say i'm pretty confident to pass, not with flying colors but enough to pass. I need at least a score of 70 and above to "pass" coz anything else lower than that is a fail...

Biological Psychology is obviously, a psychology class but the thing is~ it is being "conducted" online via the university's platform and the class started in mid-Aug but i only got the login ID and PWD in Sept, and by the time i finished studying chapter 1 and half of chapter 2, i realized that i'm way behind the schedule for the class as by TODAY, i should have finished Quiz #1, #2 & #3, Assignment #1 and Exam #1~ that covers at least 3 chapters of the textbook and one blardy chapter has SO MUCH to study, read and remember... i honestly do not think i can cope with it... If i fail this class, i will have to pay a penalty to "re-take" the class, but if i drop out instead, i would have to pay for a "new class" which might not be the same (most likely not the same but has to be a psychology class). As because my double major is in Psychology and Criminology, i have to take psychology class to fulfill the required semester hour credits...

So for studies wise, i think i'm rather fucked...

Home wise...
This is probably the part that i will rant on and on and bitch and blame whoever that is in it... so be warned... it will be long and dreadful and tad pessimistic

Firstly~ mom decided to just "move out" without telling me~ literally no word of "goodbye", no notice or anything at all. For the past few weeks she has been busy packing and stuff, and when i asked her why the "rush" to pack since we have till November to vacate this current residence, she said that it is because she has a lot of stuff to pack and thus would need to start early~ i did not read much into it and i did not think other wise...

it was about evening when i went down for a cup of tea when i realized she went out. so at first i thought she went out for her evening activities and did not really feel otherwise, then it was about 8++pm when bro came back and told me that mom had moved to Sembawang and is not returning here anymore~ i was like "WTF"... she did not breathe a word at all! so i confirmed the date we have to vacate this residence and he said by 1st Oct~ i was like "OMG"~ isn't it supposed to be in November as the new-owner gave us 3 months from the official completion date to move? bro said NO~ the new-owner only gave us 2 months and not 3 and that mom must have "mistaken, and forgotten" to tell me~ so the official date to vacate is on the 1st Oct!!! i mean it is one whole fucking month of time!!! all these while mom is packing, how would she NOT KNOW that the time is wrong? how the hell would she think that it is not my concern nor important a message to tell me?

She knows well-enough that the house at Lompang is barely near finishing or whatsoever, she knows well enough that i am racing against time even if the date to vacate this residence is November not not to mention October...

One fine evening, i was at work (at UC office) and had to return home to use the computer for a quickie, i walked in and saw mom at home which i was rather surprised... i called for her but it was very fucking obvious that she do not want to acknowledge me or my presence~ so i did my stuff and left... without saying a word too~

then the same night bro came into my room and told me "jie, clear out your things in the fridge because the movers are moving it to a storage facility" i was like "HUH???" seriously? living without a fridge? SERIOUSLY???? ok, fine~ cleared out most of my stuff mostly are just sodas and drinks...

So ya, this fucked me up big time~

Then because of this housing matter, another series of drama unfolded~ first was the husband's no-sense-of-urgency~ i had previously MONTHS ago asked him to source for contractors to quote and plan the renovation but all he did was to "oh, oh, and more oh" but nothing was done. then about 2 weeks ago, i pressed him for the renovation and he said it can wait for another week... i was like WTF is wrong with you???? we are racing against time and you want to waste 1 week because you feel like it?

So fine~ we finally got the contractors to go up to the house and take a look at the areas that are to be renovated and NONE of the contractors can promise to finish the job by end of Sept!!! this is so damn fucked up~ so the husband sort of blamed the contractors for being slow and i told him off~ i said that this whole renovation thingy is already a last-minute job and it is already a good thing that they are willing to take on the job and re-schedule their time-table and labor... so anyway, the husband is responsible for liaising with the contractors and all i'm doing is to check and balance the accounts, give some comments and input and finally~ taking care of the legal side...

The legal side~ brings me to another "chapter"... apparently the ex-wife has been stalling on signing papers, agreeing on the COV etc... and she stalled the entire process by months!!! so after we appealed to HDB asking them on the status of the transfer process, they then told us that on the ex-wife part, she has not reply nor responded, and till about 3 weeks later, she responded by asking for more documents (which is totally unnecessary).... so any way, it is "now finally processing". So then we went ahead with the renovation after confirming we have the legal rights to do so~ and guess what? when the ex-wife heard the contractors talking about the renovation, she said "ok to the husband and "inform" her when it will start etc..." then the next day, we got a letter from her lawyer saying we should push the renovation till she officially vacate the place~ since it is not a court order and merely a request from her, we ignored it and went ahead.

On the actual day of hacking the cabinets etc... she was fuming and called the husband and yelled at him saying that her lawyer has already instructed us NOT to do the renovation~ and she even threaten to lodge a police report~ this part of lodging a police report tickles me rather bad~ i mean you call the police and tell them what? "My ex-husband who is also the co-owner of the house want to renovate but i don't want?" So that was rather funny... plus~ we are kind enough NOT to renovate her room (of course we cannot) and though we are renovating the toilets, we left one that is functional for her use~ she just have to put up with the dusts and dirts etc... to ensure the renovation contractors are "NOT REFUSED ENTRY" into the house, the husband has to drop by the apartment in the morning to "open the door" for the contractors because i was just told that the ex-wife (i'm trying really hard to be civilized and not call her names) had refused entry to the electrician... so before i go on and cite violence and my up-most vile and uncouth outbreak of verbal assaults, i shall just "zip" here...

The renovation is still on-going and honestly, from now till 1st Oct is "anything"~ as in "anything can happen"~ we may be well in time to move in or move in but without cabinets or stuff like that... so that is still a bothering problem...

so literally is one shit after another... and it seemed like it just keeps coming~ after i settle one, here comes another one... and so on and so on...

this sucks~ and for all these obvious reasons, i'm back on my anti-depressants because i had major depressive episodes over the weeks and now i'm feeling slightly better as the meds are "working"~ then now i'm down with fever, cough (very bad cough), sore throat and body ache... these are typical symptoms of cold and probably the haze and weather else my asthma won't "visit"....

so this entry probably sum up all the happenings for the entire month that i'd not blogged~ emotionally i'm not that stable and now with this cold.. i'm feeling like crap~ my cough are usually very bad and i am resisting to see a doctor for the cough syrup because it is so damn blardy expensive!!! i think if i stop the cold drinks and all it should gradually get better.

so here you go~ the entire summary of what happened for the past one month...

now you know why i do not want to blog about it?
because i have yet to sense or feel any happiness...
i'm like still stucked in a fucking black tunnel and couldn't see the light or find the exit...

crap~ i should end this entry here else i'll go on and on...

so folks~ i'm "ok" but not "ok" kinda thing...

but thanks for all your concerns and emails and stuff...

Till the next post loves!

2011-07-30T13:40:00.002+08:00

been a while since i'd last blogged... apparently nothing big or fantastic or amazing to share....

lately i'd been oddly tired again... i mean i'd slept some good hours but i'm still freaking tired when i wake up~ maybe it is my mind that is not resting thus feeling so drained and tired, maybe my body is just "protesting" for some weird reason. it has been difficult to keep my eyes open throughout the day and with that kind of fatigue, i can barely focus on anything as well

my last post i mentioned that i'd finished all 5 assignments for juvenile delinquency and i'm proud to say that for all 5 assignments, i have scored the full 20/20 for each paper~ but apparently my exams did not fare half as well. my professor just emailed me and said that my first exam (there are 3) scored only a 74% and that is a C~ so now i'm a little... edgy. perhaps i can do better if i can actually remember what i'd studied but that rarely happens... looks like i got to spend hours mugging the text before i march into the exam hall again...

besides this~ nothing much is going on. mom is nagging about the house thingy again... these few days she's packing up and again she's getting grouchy... she's complaining about the costs of living here, the utilities bill and stuff~ then again she's pressuring me about moving out. does she really thinks that i enjoy living here and "stranded" with little resources? i mean~ i do not get to enjoy perks that they do not have. they live with the inconvenience, so do i~ why take it out on me?

HDB has not gotten back to us so i have no idea when would the transfer be done and if so~ how soon... mom thinks i enjoy worrying about having a roof over my head... crap~

so anyway... this is about all i have to share~

i need to get back to my books and do my work...

laterz!!!

2011-07-16T19:29:00.002+08:00

Oh well... i finally found time to sit down and get emotional about blogging... haha~ not that i'm emotionally charged now but more like now i have to time to think, digest and then share with you all...

as i'd mentioned, lately i'd been really busy with work and my studies has been hanging by a thread as i somehow still yet to find my focus and my understanding and comprehension of my very technical textbooks are so... not there. so i'd distracted myself with other stuff like reading journals, other books (still technical) but just not the subject itself~ somehow i still have difficulty understanding them. it is like some jam or blockage that i cannot clear and get it out of the way. but as i'm writing now~ i'd finally finished the last assignment for Juvenile Delinquency and that what is left now is 2 exams and i'm done with this class~ isn't it exciting???

family matters~ isn't that much of a change~ in fact, nothing changed... GOOD? i dunno... perhaps i guess coz i am not sure if i can deal with more drama, more stress and more emotional roller-coasters. it took me a while to digest all these mess and finally sought some "peace" within myself to get a grip and "move on"... i so do not want to go through all these again~ EVER!

lately i'd been laughing a lot~ mostly just to my silly self... it is actually funny how i find myself very amusing~ i mean, who openly laugh at their stupidity ALL THE TIME? i do that because it is so much easier to laugh and go "hee hee haa haa" than to show your emotions, open yourself up to all kinds of people thinking that they know you, they understand you and that they can be this God in the burning bush walking through... i'm not saying that i do not need help, i'm saying~ it is easier being alone to go through all these.

One of my favorite past-time was to sit there and reflect my entire living years and maybe laugh, weep or even go "wah"... i have got myself into all kinds of situation, all kinds of danger and walking on the border of life and death every now and then. each time i go into surgery, especially these few years~ i wonder... if this would be it. the moment i am "knocked out"~ will i ever wake up? If i do not wake up... how would life after death be like?

okay, this is pretty dark and nasty stuff but who don't wonder?

i never want to admit how defensive i am about my life~ how i do not allow others to care for me, to worry for me and to actually tell me that i'm someone important~ i know this is weird but this is how i function. i rather care than to be cared, i rather love than to be loved, i rather make others happy than to feel happy myself. this is a very twisted "version" of a human being and oddly~ i'm proud of it.

fact is, i am not strong enough, i'm not that strong to allow myself to crash and pick myself up, and crash again and pick myself up again and it goes on and on... these few years, especially the recent ones~ i'm very exhausted... i'm very tired... i'm fucking tired of trying to make things work, i'm fucking tired of being the one trying, gluing, doing and making the world goes round~ i'm tired... so i block~ i block out everything and now~ i don't freaking care about ANYTHING!

and now that i do not fucking care, i'm oddly relieved... i feel lighter, i feel better... and i do not give a shit about the family drama, i do not bother if the husband cares or not, i do not even think much about losing a roof over my head... i'm so fucking tired... all i can think of is graduating, hopefully my heart can take the grilling surgery for my wrist, recover and move on... and in any event that i do not make it... i leave in peace...

i rather feel nothing than to feel something then crash... in the past, i would rather hurt than to not feel at all... then the pain becomes too much... pain from my wrist, pain from my hardly-gone migraine, pain from all over and i am constantly in pain... it just does not seem to get better. i stopped taking pain-killers because they never seem to work... i stopped feeling at all...

when there is no expectations there will be no disappointment and i'm sick of being disappointed...

honestly, i feel part of me inside~ deep inside is dead... which is a good thing for a bipolar... really~ it is a good thing. my mood is more stabilized as i do not feel the swing, and even when i do... it is still manageable. the hard thing in the past was that i allow others to dictate how i feel, i feel upset over people, disappointed, angry, frustrated (the list goes on) but now... i'm actually better...

so seriously, i'm ok... my focus is coming back on and i'm completing my work bit at a time but better than NOT doing at all.

weekend is here again... so all i want is a peaceful SUNDAY and i hope to God that it would be just as peaceful as the weekday... Harry Potter is finally screening and so i'll probably go catch it tomorrow with the husband~ that takes a good 2.5 hours away from the cold air and deafening silence...

Peace... is all i want... just peace...

just a note to you guys... i'm okay~ seriously... i'm okay... thanks for all your cares, concerns, emails and love... i'm okay... still okay and will be okay...

Love!

2011-07-14T23:10:00.002+08:00

can't believe it has been two weeks since i'd last blogged~ that explains the emails that i'd got asking if i'm ok...

yes love(s), i'm okay... been rather busy with exams for juvenile delinquency and work and stuff...

but basically things are okay

the housing matter is already processing by the HDB and now it is just paper transfer etc...

my house here will be sold (which i mentioned more than once as well)~ this part is still the same.

studies~ still struggling as there are so much more to learn...

i'm keeping this post really short because i'm actually quite tired right now.

hopefully i can blog more about it tomorrow~

laterz~!

2011-06-26T00:03:00.002+08:00

where was i at the last entry? oh~ bitching about life... what's new?

over the weekend, there was a gathering and i was sort of the organizer for the event~ it was a ex-colleagues gathering and mostly were my staffs from a previous restaurant that i'd worked for. Apparently all of them have grown up and are very much successful themselves.

The gathering event was on Sunday afternoon, but on Friday evening~ i met up with one of the ex-colleague from the same restaurant and though he was also invited to the event, he had no intention of going. The reason we met up was because he needed some psychological evaluation and some pep talk. I can't think of a way to write about this without being "bounced" back to him if ever someone google for his name (he'd earned some fame lately). Apparently this "fame" caused him more misery than good, gave him more stress than ever~ he flopped his O'Levels TWICE~ but he decided to go back school so he spent 5 years in ITE and now he's given the chance to go Polytechnic but upon his class commenced, he realized the pace is different, he realized that he could not keep up with NOT only the pace, but also the fees. he has put himself through the 5 years of ITE by working as a waiter all these while. he has no family support because his father died from a heart attack 7years ago and his mom and brother is barely coping on their own.

While i was awfully proud of him, i know the pressure, i know the stress of "cannot fail" because i'm facing it everyday. of course not as extreme as what my dear friend is facing, but i realized both my friend and i were afraid~ we were afraid of being rejected by people (and the society), we were afraid of failing and be the laughing stock of tea break... we were afraid.

I am already very blessed to be able to study full-time while i have strong supporters that root me to focus and is more than willing to share my load of burden be it financially or otherwise. without you people, i'm still that pathetic restaurant manager that works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for only SGD $1400 and after deducting tax, i'm only left with $1280 per month. So let me be thankful to say it out loud- THANK YOU!

my friend is not half as lucky as i am~ and i feel so bad for him~ i wish i could offer some support or sort, but i know my hands are tied. Anyway, the entire meet-up lasted 5 hours~ it was a long, long talk... as much as i understand him, i also see the similarities we share. we are both inferior to others in a lot of ways, we both fear judgment and prejudice from people, we both do not exactly fit into the society without having the constant need to remind ourselves to NOT be ourselves.

My friend was ALWAYS the bullied when we worked together~ i was always the bullied throughout my entire 12 years of academic life from kindergarden all the way to high-school. YES~ i'm the bullied. i don't speak English as properly as i do now (still doesn't speak properly most of the time), i came from a very humble family and i am ALWAYS the joke, the prank in school till i got so sick of it, i rebel and got kick-out of school. at the end of the day, i became the very "loser" that everyone saw in me.

okay, enough with the blah blah blah... (i know~ i'm being random again)...

So my friend and i spent 5 hours talking and weird thing is he looked up to me all these while for encouragements, for guidance and support but i never hardly ever felt the same about myself. i more than often wondered, why people even look up to me at all? weird~ but i'm flattered. So after the talk and all~ my friend seemed to feel better...

Sunday was the gathering and after some serious deliberations, i decided NOT to go. honestly, i never really wanted to go anyway. it was good to "see" them on facebook, knowing how well they are now~ seeing them in person is quite a different story. Truth is~ i was afraid of being judged. i was afraid of knowing what they thought about me all these while and that if i'd actually sucked being a manager but they were worried about being fired thus being nice and all~ so it was bothersome...

i'm not sure what i have to flaunt, but i do know~ i'm very extremely inferior about a lot of things. while i do not want to penalize anyone involved, i feel i have nothing to be "proud" of~ i'm still in the midst of schooling which nowadays~ i'm getting really disheartened. suddenly everything seem so difficult. the textbook itself is hard to digest with all these technical terms, all these big bombastic terms and all the argument papers just seem so impossible. The house is far from knowing its "settlement" date and the fact that this current house i'm residing is legally handing over on the 8th August, it would be reasonable if i'm pretty much stressed and upset~

again, i do not want to penalize people involved so i can only bitch that my life suck~ it has sucked, it sucked and apparently still sucking~

lately i realized that i'd been putting back on the weight that i'd lost some time back~ this sort of crushed my confidence (or what's left of it) a little more~ my wrist is in constant pain that i have to fight all the time even when i'm doing simple things like brushing my teeth. Maybe it is the pain meds that is putting the weight back on~ maybe it is my itchy hand that tend to binge on the chips on my table.

so anyway...

i do not know how to let out my frustrations, i do not know how to channel my anger to positive shit~ basically i'm keeping everything inside because i do not see how it benefit me or others if i were to just let everything out. I'm pissed at a lot of people, people that put me into the position i am today, the situation i am in now... i'm fucking pissed period.

i really do not understand why things just don't get easier for me~ i shamelessly proclaim that i'm a very kind hearted person~ i help whoever i can whenever i can~ i put others before me, i am considerate and selfless... why can't someone just shed some mercy on me or can't the (whatever) higher power/ unknown power just cut me a slack and pat me on the shoulder?

more than often i'm being asked and expected to respond...
-When are you graduating?
-Why are you not working?
-How's the housing matter coming?
-When are you moving out?
-Why the housing thing not settled?
-Why you put on so much weight?
-Why is your wrist still in pain?
-Why didn't the surgery work?

Whys and Hows are the typical questions i get and of course, every question tend to start with a "why" and a "how"~ so i get it. i get it that some people are really concerned and they care so they ask~ but i'm so sick and tired of answering...

i'm sorry that i seem to not be able to regain my old strong self for the time being because i think i deserve to take a "break-down" period to just be upset, be depressed and be lost~

anyone going through with what i'm going through deserve to break down~ maybe i'm a whiner, maybe i'm just being whatever... but i'm just so... tired.

guess the above clarified a lot of questions... no the house is still a unknown settling matter, i am still not graduating and i am now not sure when i will graduate, i do not know or understand why my wrist is still in pain despite the tens of thousands of surgeries and yes~ i am putting on weight because of the anti-psychotic meds and pain meds i'm on...

if i can ever opt for a morphine drip that will "manage" my pain and take me away~ i would do it in a heartbeat.

so while i need time to get over these shit~ i need to be the "normal" self that everyone would typically be. and please let me be~ cause this is the way i know how to get better...

don't yell at me, don't preach at me~ DO NOT lecture me or give me "encouragement" talk...

just let me be~

i keep telling myself~ Keep Breathing... just keep breathing...

2011-06-21T14:44:00.002+08:00

been a pretty good weekend... not that it was eventful, but the fact that it was simple and peaceful... no drama (a knock on the wood), no anger issues (yes, i have anger issues), basically was just a simple weekend.

Just yesterday, i went back to the wrist doctor for a follow-up to see if my wrist has got better since the last injection. i know well enough that it hasn't got better as it was more swollen than BEFORE the injection and the pain as got increasingly worse. the pain is still bearable so i was hoping to hear some other alternatives that might explain the pain, the swell the the also increasingly lost of function for the hand. I'm a right-hander~ so losing function of the hand means i now have difficulty using chopsticks, i can barely write, it feels sore and painful when i use it too much. Amazingly, the doctor said that it is already surprising that i can still do so much despite the condition of it and that for most people, they would have been handicapped already. So i asked what is the plan now~ he said to take some anti-inflamatory meds and see how it goes for another month. so i asked if it could get any worse, he said that it is already bad enough and so the worse is the pain gets unbearable but unless i do "funny things" like rock climbing or some extreme stuff that requires a lot of strength etc... chances are that i still get to use my hand for a while more.

So now while i'm taking the medication, i'm also hoping that it works cause the other alternative is to have another surgery. this part got me kinda... conflicted. On one hand i'm hoping to get rid of the pain and problems all at once, on the other hand, i do not want to live with the inconvenience for months. I am still puzzled that why my wrist is constantly giving me problems~ i simply do not understand... i'm not into extreme sports that strains my hand, i do not do push-ups or chin-ups or anything~ ever since my last few surgeries, i have stopped writing and i mostly type out stuff unless it is necessary to write. So i have no idea, no clue and no understanding why it is still problematic.

All in all, i've roughly counted~ 24 surgeries and still counting... i've had heart surgery, wrist surgeries, OBGYN surgeries and even a wisdom tooth extraction surgery required a brain surgeon (my wisdom tooth's nerve was pressing onto my brain nerve). at first it was optimistic for me like "oh, i get to enjoy the "gas" and feel "high" after the surgery", "oh, i get to enjoy some hospitalization leave" and i drilled myself with lots of positivity so i do not feel bad. then it gradually became tiring, and now~ i'm numb. i do not feel the anxiety, i do not feel the "high" and i am just sick of it... whenever a doctor tells me that "you might need a surgery"... i just go "okay... here we go again".

i have just reached year 30 and my body has been subjected to all kinds of medical treatment, it feels like i'm 60 and not 30~ yesterday i went by to see an old friend that i've not seen for years, and when he saw me he was like "woah, you changed so much" and of course i know he didn't mean that i'd gotten prettier or whatever, he simply meant "wah, why you got so fat"... i'm not upset by his comment as i knew better. I used to have a waist line of 26"... now is 29- 30"~ what am i supposed to tell them to explain the sudden "growth"? Oh~ i had like 20++ surgeries and all the pain meds caused me to swell or that i am taking mental meds that keep me stable from returning to the kukoo nest which also mean i'll be super fat?

not that i'm ashamed of anything but it just makes me feel... SIGH~

Anyway... i know very well that eventually i will have to go for another surgery for my wrist, it is just a matter of "when"~ see if i can put up with the pain and just stall the surgery, and since the doctor said that it is already very bad~ i'm not exactly too worried about it getting worse (unless the tendon snap- which will be VERY SERIOUS)~ i'll try not to punch anyone for the meanwhile~

oh well~ i have nothing else to share for now as all the other stuff are still not progressing... the transfer application form for the house at Lompang is still hanging there (our very retarded lawyer said "i will need to follow-up on that"- did i mentioned it has been 3 weeks already?)...

honestly, right now i'm feeling kinda low and depressed~ nothing seem to go in my way or even improved for the better... i'm just so tired of even hoping it will get better.

work wise~ the flora shop is sinking in debt and i have not been able to grab hold of dad to talk to him about it. we still owe rental (2 mths) and some other bills... the business license is due for renewal and i need dad to do it~ i really want to tell dad to sell the business away as i'm so sick of managing it without making profit at all. my supervisor in-charged does not bank in cash sales as he insisted that he needs the cash to do purchases and pay for bills (utilities) which i do not understand why he cannot deposit the money and i pay via cheque. i tried to explain that i need to control the cash, i tried using a very bossy tone, and i tried everything~ it doesn't work. so i'm done trying...

i know~ it seem like i'm always complaining... but i too wish i have good stuff, happy stuff to share~ but right now it seemed like there is nothing of that sort

so thank you for your interest to read up on my very not-so happy life~

hopefully this week will go just fine~ just let me focus on my studies, assignments, exams preparations and strike some lottery so i can pay my bills...

till the next post my friends...

2011-06-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world... instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now

2011-06-18T22:41:00.000+08:00

Grace- Kate Havnevik

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

2011-06-18T19:20:00.006+08:00

not sure why blogger seem to be having problems with its site~ been unable to login and blog...
so all these "gap"~ not really my fault or being lazy... hahaha

Some thoughts have been wrecking havoc in my head for a while and i thought might as well share it here and see if you guys have some thoughts to share as well

People whom know me knows that i'm often stuck and dwell in the past, be it good stuff or bad stuff (mostly bad stuff) is always right back in my head and every now and then, it would just flash by and take my breadth away for a while till i regain "consciousness".

I have been thinking about all these past(s) of mine... from relationships (friendship, BGR, marriages) and career and basically anything that was part of me. Many times i tell myself to NOT dwell in the past, many times i tell myself that it is useless to constantly remind myself of what happened, but either the environment, the circumstances or even people around tend to remind me of what happened.

There are certain places in SG that i no longer go or least try my very best to avoid, there are certain restaurants that i no longer frequent because of some shadows and memories and there are certain things i no longer do because it brings back too many memories. So i block them, i block out what i do not like, i avoid what i hate and simply run from it because it is too much trouble to face it altogether.

When i was way younger, relationships don't quite mean a thing to me~ i always felt that you move on from a relationship that won't work and so long you continue moving, you will find that ONE that will make everything okay. you will meet that someone that takes your breadth away, that someone that you think of the very moment you want to cry... so i kept moving, i kept searching... lately i realized, because i have WAY TOO MUCH "memories", it sort of caused some "rebound" kind of feeling. what i mean by "rebound" is that instead of feeling blessed that i have found that ONE, i'm worried what if it doesn't work and i'll have to move on again?

It is no surprise that i'm someone that does not easily rely on people, i'm not someone that will sit back and let someone pamper me with stuff or do things for me. i'm a overly independent bipolar that is often conflicted within myself.

I hate changes, i hate it when i am forced to face and deal with changes that i'm not good at. it took me more than a year to adjust to this environment (from Serangoon to Saraca) and just when i get comfortable being here, learned to move around here, learn to appreciate the quietness, the space and solace, i'm now on the cross-road to change again.

Instead of being back in the North side, this time i'll be moving to the West (according to the husband, it is North-West) but it didn't quite mean any difference to me. most of my friends are on the North side, most of what i know (places to eat, where to buy stuff) are all along the north side. all the highways, exits, short-cuts are all on the north side... moving somewhere so far out of my comfort zone, how would it be like? honestly i have no fucking idea.

This thing has been bugging me for a while... and of course, i have mentioned it more than once here...
The house at Lompang is nice~ the apartment itself is nice... it is spacious and near amenities and public transport is convenient and all~ ya, all these are the "Selling" points of the house (thus the insanely highly valued market price) but~ (yes, there's a BUT)... will i feel "welcomed" and "belonged"?

Call me petty, call me crazy, call my picky or unappreciative but honestly, this is an apartment where the ex-wife has been residing (till this very day) and though i have no idea when all these transfer and stuff be done so she'll scram and get lost, what i do know is that regardless how i renovate the place, how much i change the furnitures, her shadow and stench will be lingering all over the place.

this is bothering... because i have no idea how i will deal with it. just yesterday, i twitted what i feel and thought about and when the husband came home, i asked if he'd read it, and after he did~ i was waiting... i was waiting for some words of comfort, i was waiting for some "convincing" words/ sentences/ speech/ effort- WHATEVER~ just say something nice to me... give me something to look forward to, but there was this chilling silence... i get why he does not want to sell the house, i get why he is so set to want the house back... but is it good for him only or was it for US? i have tried to talk about it, saying stuff like what we can do when we get the house, what i want for the bathroom, what i want for the study room... but he is alway... QUIET. it is so frustrating that i sort of do not want to talk about it anymore.

These few months, it has been particularly difficult for me especially when it comes to relationships. Family, friends and my own "husband". Friends~ yes, that one in particular is quite a handful... all the inconsiderate, unreasonable, ignorant, insane, possessiveness (i can go on but rather not) has pushed me to quite an extent that i am so glad that i'm finally getting some well deserved peace. i have no more energy, i have no more strength, i have no more patience to deal with all these nonsense and put up with all the childish tantrums... my own family is already worrying enough. i do not want to talk about what is going on at home because there is no simple way to put it. so i rather not try. The husband... this is a conflicted part and there are again no easy explanations so i rather not go into details- am i happy? maybe... how do you measure happiness? to settle for something less than what you expect or simply continue fighting and pray like hell it works?

i'm not good with being close to people, i mean i have good friends, close friends even, but they are not in my face all the time. once a while a nice chat on the phone, a few messages and texts... i do not do well with closeness and having someone in my face ALL THE FUCKING TIME~ it is too much of a trouble to maintain it, to share and to be "normal".

perhaps i still do not know what i want, or perhaps i'm forcing myself to accept what i do not like, or perhaps this is my so-called very fucked up life and ya~ options like moving away (out of SG), going away for good (also out of SG) or simply just go else where and start fresh all over again (of course is out of SG)... seem so... (fill in the blanks)

Dad tells me that i should not think of leaving, people tell me this is where my roots are~ but is it so?
i'm hardly close with any of my relatives, i'm hardly rooted here besides all these tragic nightmares and experiences i have here, i honestly do not know what else is good to stay on for.

Jobs? i'm still grinding my teeth towards graduation... House? i kind like those with a island kitchen counter, an awesome spacious bath with tub and walk-in closet, a nice yard and a fireplace... Partner? well, if i'm hardly happy with one, maybe i'll be happier without one? Does any of these "likes" sound locally achievable? maybe~ if i strike like millions of lottery and decide to just splurge it all into a house then live in serious debt to pay the taxes and maintenance for the rest of my life.

what is it here that is a good solid reason for me to stay on? i'm still searching... what i have now are not reasons, they are excuses that i tell myself that i should stay on...

how does a marriage work when i have to constantly remind the husband to shower me with hugs and kisses? how does it work when i have to be the one to constantly find topics to talk about? how does it work when till this very day, he does not know what i like, what i want and not even guess what i'm thinking.

how does a friendship work when i'm demanded to choose between friendship and husband? what kind of friend abuses her "rights" and put me in difficult positions and have the audacity to throw her temper when we go out in a group? seriously~ you call this a "Friend"? i rather not have it then...

the chicken and egg theory~ because i'm one that hardly trust people, i do not let people to grow and be close to me, i block out cares and concerns so that makes me cold and distant for people to like me/ love me/ and care for me?

OR

is it because i know i cannot rely on these people to hope that they will change my life for the better because they have not proven me wrong or otherwise?

i'm just so... tired of everything...

i often say it is happier being alone, no one can hurt you this way... and couple of weeks back, i heard this...

I always said i'll be happier alone, i'd have my work, my friends, but someone in your life all the time? more trouble than it's worth.

There's a reason i said i'd be happier alone, it wasn't because i thought i'll be happy alone, it was because i thought if i loved someone and then it fell apart, i might not make it.

It is easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? what if you like it and lean on it, what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?

losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying, the only difference is- death ends~ this? it can go on forever... (Grey's Anatomy Season 7 episode 22)

i never deny that i'm a damaged good... i'm damaged inside and out which possibly made it even harder for people to understand and to love... and i'm always living in pain... i hate to shower cause that is the time i get to stand under the running water and stare at the scars (inside and out)...

It has been said that "time heals all wounds"~ i do not agree. The wounds remain, in time~ the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens... but it is never gone (Rose Kennedy)

Disclaimer:
I am sharing my thoughts, what i feel and what i presume... feel free to interpret what i write and if it offends you, please get the fuck out of this page and never come back... Also~ DO NOT quote me literally or out of the context... you have a brain, please use it... if you don't~ try to grow one.

2011-06-10T23:03:00.003+08:00

Been wanting to blog for a while but somehow rather, i keep putting it off

sometimes i wonder why in the past i have so much to share and so much to write... now? i'm even lazy to even think of changing my blog skin. probably because i really like the current one i'm using, and it is also because i'm too lazy to change the codes and "customize" it to the way i like it.

one week after my birthday and i'm very thankful that life has gone back to "normal". no more aimless strolling in the malls, no more "i dunno what to eat", no more rushing to clear my work so i can go out... so i'm glad my life has gone back to the black and grey part.

just the other day i was editing the songs i have in my iPod, i also realize that i missed listening to jazz... jazz at night was my favorite part, along with a nice book and a dim light... feels really cozy and nice! But sadly, my BOSE player is at Lompang and so i have to make do with my iPod~ also to note that the husband is not used to sleeping with music on... my sleep troubles are still bothering~ despite being able to drift to sleep with my nice jazz, i still wake up like after an hour or so! just so frustrating...

guess there are more frustrations coming...

on Tuesday, i called the law-firm and asked on the progress of the "passing the forms to the other lawyer", MINE lawyer told me that he have not send the papers over because he was ill! i was like WTF! i get it that he's ill, but seriously, TWO FREAKING WEEKS!!! how hard is it to just ask the clerk to write the letter and he sign, pass it to the courier and get it done? Seriously!!! left with no choice, i simply just kept quiet. now it is probably going to take another 2 weeks for the other lawyer to get the papers signed and returned before the husband can go collect it.

If not because this case seemed to be closing in, i would have probably changed a lawyer~ whatever it is, i hope to speed things up but i also know that half of the time the dragging and stalling is not on my part. Perhaps life is never going to be kind to me and make my life easier~

the weekend is here, hopefully i can use the time to study for my coming exams next week. I can't believe that i'm actually right to guess that both exam #1 and exam #2 for Juvenile Delinquency will clash~ my very efficient school apparently also cock-up the exam request! now i have 10 chapters to study and 2 exams of each 50 questions to do. CRAP!

ya, i'm kinda complaining a little too much here...

anyway... life goes on ya?

have a nice weekend!

2011-06-02T17:06:00.003+08:00

okay~ the "big 30th Birthday" has come and (thankfully) gone... and most of you asked how was it... any special plans or stuff or resolution for the big 30~

honestly i don't feel the difference or see the difference if i'm 20 (something) and now on the big 30 mark. looking back, though there are things i wished would have happened differently or perhaps changed if i were to do it again, likely is i will still do what i did in a heartbeat~

for the past few years~ birthday celebrations have become increasingly stressful and painful... so much so that i would fall sick or wished that i never had a birthday or some extreme, wish i don't have anyone that cared if it is my birthday or not. I'm not being rude that i don't appreciate gifts and wishes (who would) but to an extend, it is a little too much for me or perhaps- the one that planned everything.

i do not want to go into details about the entire celebrations or anything because i don't want to sound ungrateful or rude but the main point is~ i really do not like it, enjoy it or in any way-make a big deal out of it. To me, it is just yet another day on the calendar... yes~ i should do something special or have some sort of celebration but i don't like it. if i am happy, everyday is a birthday... no point making me pissed, angry, upset, stress the hell outta me, annoy me and simply torture me then sum it up and be "nice" for the day or the particular month and expect everything to go away. It doesn't work this way!!!!

Maybe i am ungrateful, maybe i'm just not appreciative of what big plans people have for me on birthdays but i thought if i mean anything to you, you would listen or the very least, respect me~ all these "count-down" to my birthday, wanting exclusive time on my actual birthday and all these "requests" are just too much for me... you are forcing me to do what i don't want (or what you want) and expect me to enjoy it and ultimately making me choose between you and my partner~

i can grumble all i want now but next year this time, i will be repeating the same shit again like i'd been repeating for the past 4 years...

anyway... there is no other way that i can talk about this whole birthday ordeal without offending anyone so i guess i won't talk about it anymore.

just a food for thought from me:

when i look back to the loneliest moments in my life, there was usually someone sitting next to me

2011-05-24T20:15:00.004+08:00

been wanting to blog since few days back but was somehow busy, tired and simply not knowing what to write~ so ended up writing drafts and deleting them...

As i mentioned, i just came back from a 2D 1N Spa trip @ Batam... I'd not realized how much i missed the place till i reached there. As i walked into the hotel lobby, lots of memories flashed by~ some happy ones- some not so happy ones, but i sure missed staying at Holiday Inn~ Everything is still very much the same but yet it feels somewhat different. The familiar faces that i used to see are no longer there, the staffs seemed less warm and welcoming but still professional and nice...

I wasn't all "high" about the Spa treatment cause i was in this "bitchy moody" mood for no reasons... the massage was supposedly to be relaxing but i ended up having to tell my messeuse to go easy cause she was seriously hurting me... i didn't want to raise an issue to change a messeuse so i sort of just put up with the pain unless it was really too much~ so nah, didn't quite enjoy it really. Dinner was good but again, i wasn't in the appetite so i didn't eat much~ after dinner Amy and I went to dip our legs in the kiddy pool (the pool is closed for the day), sat there and chatted... went back to the room to shower up and laze the rest of the evening away watching TV and i gamed a little on iPhone

Morning breakfast was a pain~ i could barely open my eyes but still dragged myself to the cafe, ate a bit then went back and crashed till about 1pm~ rushed to shower and change and check-out. Not that the hotel has strict time for check-outs but more because of the ferry timing. There isn't a lot of options for ferry timing because WaterFront isn't their main harbor so the timings are really limited.

Reached SG and the husband was waiting for us at the pick-up point~ Amy had this craving for Bamboo Clams so we went Turf City for seafood. Again, i didn't eat much because no appetite... sent Amy home after dinner and i went home to unpack my bag and did my laundry~

I shall not go on talking about my very boring weekend but jump straight to my academic life and the follow-up appointment i have with my wrist doctor.

Monday was the appointment to see Dr. Tan and after him pressing onto the very sore points on my wrist, he concluded that it should be the tendon that is causing the pain and stuff, then he suggested an injection into the tendon (i really forgot what is the purpose/ content of the injection) and it hurt like hell! Crap! it honestly hurt like hell... and for me to say it hurt like hell~ i promise you, it really hurt. So~ we are hoping that the injection would work but it will take about a month to see if it actually works, so if after a month it is not better, then perhaps we will explore other options. As much as i love being knocked out by the "gas" and the "high" from super strong narcotics to cope with the after-surgery pain, this is surely not the time for a surgery especially on my wrist. The post- op care means i cannot use my right hand for a really long time~ the pain is one thing, the inconvenience is another. I need my hand to write my essays and do the exams... not now, and hopefully not again...

So i left the clinic with a heavy heart... what if i need another surgery? what if it cannot wait and disrupt my schedule? it sounds silly to worry about all these when the idea of risking permanent injury to a very vital limb is in question, but you don't know how it feels to have to do everything with your left hand and with your left hand only.

After the clinic, i went by Arium to pick up my new class materials for Forensic Evidence and Crime Analysis... then it was another series of "depression"~ i browsed through the study guide and requirements... "jaw dropped" was the exact expression i had! there are no straight forward questions but a lot of analysis, research papers, projects and both require a 10page long research paper excluding the cover and reference not forgetting the exams as well.

I knew the final year classes are not going to be easy, but does it have to be THIS DIFFICULT? seriously????

Anyway, i got home in the evening and couldn't do much firstly because my wrist is in serious pain and i'm also down with a cold... the ultimate misery~

Sadly, it is my body that is not well but my brain is perfectly active... then the husband called telling me he had delivered some papers to the lawyer which brings me to update you guys on the transfer application for the house at Lompang.

HDB has already approved the loan and stuff, so now the husband needs the ex-wife to sign on the form to agree on the transfer application before it can be submitted to process for the transfer~ I called our lawyer informing him what the HDB officer told us and what we are supposed to do and asked if he could forward the papers to the ex-wife's lawyer and have her sign the damn papers, my lawyer sound oddly rude when he said "can't you guys sort it out among yourselves and have her sign the papers? or can't HDB set an appointment for her to sign the papers?" So i explained the matter again saying that this is just the transfer application and not the actual transfer paper itself, so HDB will leave it up to us, and knowing how difficult the ex-wife is, no way in hell is she going to be nice and sign the damn papers... so my lawyer said he will forward the paper to the other lawyer and then get back to us.

I forgot what else i'd said but lawyer told me to wait for the ex-wife to sign the transfer application before doing a new valuation because the valuation is only good for 3 months and we have no idea how long is it going to take the ex-wife to sign the papers. This got me frustrated because i have already requested for a new valuation as the HDB officer suggested and i honestly forgot how difficult the ex-wife can be to stall the transfer till she found another place or found another guy to shack up with...

After i ended the call with the lawyer, i realized how sick and tired i've become from all these~ all these co-ordination, correspondence with the lawyers and estate officers, negotiations, drafting papers and having to plan and think two steps ahead... it is just too tiring... i'm getting really restless and part of me can't be bothered already. Whether does the husband follow-up with the papers and get it done or not, i don't quite care~

Tried thinking about positive stuffs like doing the renovation, designing my study room and all the shopping that comes with it then i wonder~ i wonder~ i wonder~ if i will ever get passed seeing the shadows of the ex-wife lingering in every corner of the house. Ever since the entire drama and legal battle of the house unfolded in 2009, i have been the one dealing with it through the lawyers and the husband is only needed when he has to sign the affidavits. It felt like i am fighting for something that is not mine... and sadly, the husband has not said or done anything that will perhaps make me feel that i am fighting for US. The initial excitement has worn off and now it is just residue of fatigue and frustration.

Not too long ago, the husband told me he had a dream, he dreamed of me leaving him to go States for good... and i told him "maybe it is not a dream?" , he got upset~ i was hoping to hear something, hoping to hear him saying that there is something worthwhile to stay behind, fight for me; tell me all the good about SG and him, convince me that i will be equally happy if not happier staying on... but nothing~

work is getting harder because the flora shop is not doing well and dad has been unhappy with the way the money is being handled. My staff is in-charged of collecting the money and supposedly trust him to bank the money but for the past 1 year, he has only banked in cheques and not once in cash. When i submitted the accounts for auditing earlier, even the accountant asked why is my staff given so much trust and authority~ and why did i not question when he only banked in cheques and not cash. i am not questioning the integrity of my staff but it is not appropriate to be keeping large amount of cash with him as there is no control over expenses and stuff... all in all~ it is not right~ I have a problem dealing with him because apparently he does not listen to me (and you people think my staff give face because i'm the boss's daughter), and my father rather yell at me than at him. I'm sandwiched between all these mess and often blamed for screw ups~ so ya, work is depressing...

basically i feel really fucked-up right now and is really helpless and really very frustrated.

whatever...

dear friends, as you are reading this post, please be informed that i'm down with a cold, my wrist is awfully swollen with excruciating pain and i have now just realized that i might have a cold sore outbreak~ please understand that i'm in a lot of pain and discomfort so dun get mad if i do not reply your messages~

gotta hit the sack soon~

bye~

2011-05-18T19:50:00.005+08:00

Finally~ i'd finished assignment #4 and have submitted to my lecturer and had it graded and i'm awfully proud to say that i aced it again~ If this is luck, then please keep going...

This week has been a rather busy week, i mean since i returned from JB, there seem to be more stuff piling up and i can't seem to clear the pile to see the bottom of it.

Fast & Furious 5~ not bad a movie if you appreciate modified cars that look really "wow" and have a thing for speeding. I like cars, but not so much of the speeding (fine, occasionally)... i have a series of dream cars and losing the cream bun was a heartache. I miss those days that i take her for a ride or the convenience of going where ever i like or want~ The husband is more than willing to share his Vios but i just don't feel the "connection"~ haha... i'm just being anal i know

Tomorrow i'll be going to Batam with Amy for just 2D 1N which i am not so sure if i'm gonna get yelled at by dad again for traveling without the husband... Just last week i went to JB and less than a week i'm going Batam~ seems like i'm so rich and free huh? Honestly, i wasn't keen about going for short trips... i'm stuck with the final few classes and all these work going on, i just want to keep moving and getting things done rather than taking a "break" and come back to it again.

Anyway, since the trip is already booked and paid for might as well just go and try to enjoy myself...

back to my academic life~
now that i'd finished assignment #4 for Juvenile Delinquency, i have only assignment #5 to go to complete the 5 assignments requirements, then exam 1, 2 & 3 and i'm done with this class...

So that officially leaves me down to 3 more classes!!!! this is so exciting and i'm hoping to finally see some glimpse of hope that i can actually graduate. This 4 years from Diploma to Degree is too grilling and painful and there is more than one occasion that i want to give up and crawl back to the F&B industry... all the endless assignments and research papers, exams and projects it just doesn't end...

Some of my lecturers have asked if i intend to further into post-grad study and honestly, even if i want to~ i won't. Not now... i want to get out and work, i want to gain some on-hand experience with what i'd learnt and just take myself off the books for a while before i want to go back studying again. I'm rather sick of telling people that "i'm still studying" after saying it for countless times in the past 4 years. So i need a change of environment, i need to earn my own paycheck and enjoy the freedom of having a life without dad hovering behind me.

Updates on the house:
The completion of handover for this saraca house is set to be on the 8th Aug 2011 and from what i last know, the new owner has agreed to let mom and bro stay "rental-free" for extra 3 months till the move and settle down in the new house and of course, this would mean i have to move preferably before 8th Aug.

This might be happening as HDB has approved the loan for the house at Lompang (the husband had to "refinance" the loan as there will be a change in ownership), and we are given the "go ahead" for new valuation and stuff... so once the valuation report is out, the ex-wife has already agreed on the COV, all is left is to calculate the 12% (Valuation + COV - outstanding loan), give her the money and sign the damm papers it should all be good. Hopefully while processing ALL THESE, we can also start the renovation for the house bit by bit...

If all these goes well, i might have a good roof by end June (earliest)!!!

These coming months will be very, very exciting... my graduation, house-moving, finding a job, go back to portland, perhaps own a puppy... just exciting...

Health:
This is the part that worries me... apparently mom came into my room while i was out and she helped herself to my x-ray films then she called dad... i had a earful from him cause i'd been avoiding seeing a doctor for my already painful and swelling wrist for all the obvious reasons. It is my hand that will be handicapped for at least 1 month and that all the inconvenience and pain... it is ME that has to go through all these so it is not just about going to the doctor and let him cut me up. Yes, i need the surgery and the doctor, but i felt that all these can wait for a better time~

So anyway, after being yelled at, i'd made an appointment with the doctor this coming monday and we'll see how it goes~

My Bipolar is well under control~ occasionally i still have a few bad days, slight depression, anxiety blah blah blah but nothing too severe (touch wood!). My dosage has been cut to what is i feel- already low and i'd stopped some of the anti-depressants and drugs that might cause addiction. Just pray that nothing will trigger me into a bad swing and i should be doing fine.

Oh well, this is about all i have for you guys right now...

wanna enjoy the peaceful evening i have before the husband comes back and annoy me~ LOL! nah, he's pretty occupied with his iPad to annoy me... hahaha...

till the next post, take care you all!

2011-05-15T12:24:00.003+08:00

okie, after the long long gap from my last post, what do i have here now to share?

Actually not much....

For the past one week i have been trying to do my assignments and it is really getting harder to focus and write~ i have no freaking clue why am i having such difficulty because i'm rather sure that it is not the paper that is difficult! it must be my mojo and brain thingy... just can't seem to write anything

I just came back from a 2D 1N stay at Johore Bahru with Amy and despite the long dreadful walk from the customs to City Square, the trip was rather enjoyable. The weather wasn't scorching hot and it drizzled a bit here and there

We walked over from City Square to Puteri Pacific~ after much deliberations, we took the room at the Executive Level with an exclusive lounge and free flow of beverages~ it was awesome~ the room is nice, very comfortable and of course, feeling all "high-class" and posh... LOL!

after we rest our feet and unload our bags, we went to Jusco~ i have no idea why it seemed a lot further from the last time i went there... perhaps it was so long ago? not sure~ but the place didn't change a bit. We strolled around and most of the stuff are foreign brands and they ain't cheap...

We decided to go for dinner and so we hitched a cab to New York Hotel where a local stall selling "Zi Char" was by the road. I really liked the food there and though it was really a run-down stall and look really gross~ the food was actually awesome with a homely touch. After Amy and i got off the cab, we walked down the street only to realize the entire stretch of stalls were gone. They were demolished and now it is cordon off... i was really disappointed and no choice, we cab back to City Square and ended up having dinner at Nandos.

Nandos tasted the same like the one in SG but the chicken wings we ordered was kinda sad... LOL~ anyway~ dinner was okay

we walked around for a bit... then got myself a pair of new glasses at Optical 88~ it was quite a bargain considering how expensive my glasses cost in SG. It was about almost 9pm when i told Amy we will have to walk back to the hotel before it gets darker...

got back to the hotel, i filled the tub with water and salt then we sat in the bathroom dipping our legs in the tub, hang around a bit and called it a night

it was almost 9pm when Amy woke me up for breakfast~ my eyes could barely open and it was miserable... haha, i mean i'm a little hungry but i'm also tired... anyway we went for breakfast and seriously... besides the freshly made scramble eggs and sunny side up, all else sucks... i have no idea how can someone screw up breakfast like this... from the coffee to porridge and sausages, it all sucks! but still i ate some fried kway tiao and it taste a lot better...

we went back to the room after breakfast and i hit the bed again... woke up at around 2pm, shower and packed up, checked out and walked over to this stall down the street that sells roast duck with herbal sauce. Maybe my taste bud changed~ i used to rather like it but now it didn't taste as good as i remembered...

walked back to City Square after lunch, collected my glasses and headed to the customs back home. Thankfully there isn't much traffic cause now the Malaysia Customs launched a new Bio-Matrix thingy it takes longer to clear the customs... FINALLY~ cleared the customs at Woodlands and we headed straight to Novena. I have not taken a bus ride or the MRT for a while, so the ride was rather refreshing~ LOL...

TCC @ Novena... double shot cafe latte was what i desperately need... sat there for coffee, yak yak yak... we were both drained and tired... cab home and that marks the end of a 2D 1N JB trip

While i was in JB, dad called and asked where i was~ the ringtone was obvious that i'm not in SG and he wasn't too pleased to know the husband did not come with me... I don't understand why i cannot make trips without the husband after i got married~ i mean... i am still me~

Anyway, i got home, unpacked my bag and quickly did my laundry and chores~ and i was honestly really tired despite "not doing much"...

This coming week i will have to at least finish one assignment then for the weekend, i'll be going Batam for Spa (yes, with Amy again)... i look forward to Batam more than JB because they serve awesome breakfast, awesome BBQ dinner or any other restaurant within the hotel is all awesome...

Basically this is about all i have to share for now... gotta go wash up and head out for lunch. The husband and i are going for "Fast & Furious 5"... he's excited but i'm not~ i have not really watched any previous episode so i don't really know what it is all about except deadly speeding cars and loud crashing noise...

the weather looks nice outside... sunny but not scorching~

enjoy your sunday~

2011-05-06T14:46:00.003+08:00

i can't remember how many drafts i'd written and deleted because i can't seem to articulate the words i'm putting down or the sentences i'm trying to construct. Most importantly, i can't seem to be delivering the point i'm trying to make~

These few days or the past one week, i'd been doing what most Singaporeans are doing~ reading up on the election candidates, opposition parties' manifesto and watching Live Rally streaming online~ Part of me enjoyed watching the opposition candidates smashing the ruling party, part of me envy their courage and determination and part of me want to slap them for crazy, unpractical and don't-make-sense proposals.

There are lots of opinions flying around, flooding FaceBook, Twitter and all other channels both mainstream and online, some are making good sense and arguements, some are merely singing to what people want to hear. I have never spent so much time paying attention to local politics, reading so much and thinking so much about what they said~ at some point, i even felt angry at my fellow Singapoeans for saying things that are totally not true and even unreasonable.

yes, 7th May will be a day in Singapore history that we will all remember because yes, this is by far the most exciting and contested election since independence. So yes, i will be going down to the polling station to cast my very holy vote because i finally get to vote and i'm not sure if that will happen again.

I kinda stopped asking friends what are their opinion and the party that they will likely vote because after all these rallies and reports, you should know by now who to vote for and what is the pressing concerns of the nation.

So, all the best and good luck to the candidates!

There is nothing much happening in my life right now that i can share~ mostly just repetition of what has been happening previously and previously and previously~ really dry and boring stuff.

Just a brief update, the house i'm staying in now is officially sold "i think" and soon enough i have to move~ the house at Lompang is in the process of doing the "transfer application" so perhaps it will take about 2- 3 months to finally get it done? i'm not sure of the process but i do know we still need time to renovate the house.

Things have been a little rough with the husband, mostly is my unhappiness with his attitude and the way he handled situations. Not that things are better now, it is more like "let's not touch the elephant in the hall"~

see, i told you life is rather boring for me at the moment~

i gotta get back to the rest of my day, trying to pen out the skeleton for my 4th assignment~

You guys have a nice weekend ya!
i'll probably be home watching the live telecast across the country on the election updates...

Lastly, Please vote wisely, read up the manifesto and candidates profile and vote for the party that will best represent you in the parliment. Know who you are voting for and what are the proposals they present, judge and think carefully because every votes count. If you have doubts or questions about the voting secreacy, check out the various media available- YOUR VOTE IS SECRET!

2011-04-30T15:11:00.002+08:00

been another long dreadful week~ and thankfully, despite all the drama and distractions, i'd managed to finish the 3rd assignment~

this week went by rather swifty~ nothing much happened, no major cock-ups or episodes~ rather peaceful for me yet i am still lagging behind on my assignments and schedules. No freaking idea why studying is becoming so difficult. I got people telling me it is because i am in the final year so school work is surely going to be a lot harder and heavier, then i got people saying that it is difficult to study and focus with that amount of drama going on in my life right now and of course, there are even more reasons why it is "normal" that i cannot focus and stuff.

Honestly, i'm not quite sure what else to write that is not a repetition of what i'd previously wrote and the time before that and the time before that...

my life has been very much a reptition of fucked-ups and cock-ups and i spend more time trying to "correct" problems rather than enjoying some perks that life occasionally gives and shower upon people...

So~

ya~ life sucks and then you die...

why am i not surprised that this belief of mine has not changed for like 15 years~

is that that difficult to even try to convince me that life doesn't suck?
am i really that beyond help that i cannot believe or see some beauty in life?

looking at all the tragic and disasters happening around, suddenly it makes my miserable life a lot prettier than before yet i'm still so empty, i'm still so cold and ya~ life sucks

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
I shout 'cause I'm just as far in as I'll ever be out
And these mistakes I've made, I'll just make them again

I feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again
I feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
I feel so already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

I am screaming~ I am falling... did you hear me? Are you catching my fall?

2011-04-21T19:43:00.002+08:00

It took me another week to update this blog~ crap, i can't even remember what i'd done for the past one week...

Should i start the entry of me being scared the shit outta me by taking an indoor rollercoaster ride at the Universal Studio? Nevermind~ pure insulting experience that i do not want to ever repeat

Ok, my last entry is about the insurance policy thingy...
oh well~ i'm still stuck with this issue.

Yes, i gave 5 good reasons why i should not sign the policy over to mom but i also found 1 good reason that would throw the 5 reasons out the window... the fact that she is my blood mother and gave birth to me 29 years and 11 month ago... The fact that she did feed and care for me when i was a child and i didn't have to starve or eat out from the floor, went to school and had clean clothes to wear~

But is this reason sufficient for me to hand over something that might eventually leave me in debt and of course, lots of shit that will come along with it~ No, i do not believe her when she says that she will not take a loan using the policy, i do not trust her that she will not attempt to do something that will earn her a few bucks and put me into a shit hole because as much as i try to not judge her, i couldn't ignore how scary and money crazy she had become.

On last thursday (14 April), just one day before she went to Australia for holiday, she came into my room sobbing about how she didn't mean to scream at me and stuff and that she served good intentions by "taking the policy"... but i guess being a psychopathic liar, i can smell it instantly when someone is lying to me~ so i watched how she "acted" her way through for the next 1 hour, and there were so many "lope-holes" from her story and contradicted her sentences here and there. But i sat there just watching her act, tears and exclamations of hurt, abuse and misery~

At the end of the conversation or should i say the very not- convincing act, i still gave her USD$200 for her trip because i knew she no longer has any credit cards and i just want her to have some emergency funds or extra shopping money with her~ Amazingly, after she took the money, she went to her room and returned immediately with the gold pendant and chain she took from me when i refused to sign her the policy like last week. And yet i thought i was being judgemental when i said mom is money crazy...

i was this close to sign the policy over to her despite my previous arguments because she is my mom... then someone said this to me~

i am married, i married someone... i am now accountable to not only myself but my partner as well~ and i cannot selfishly choose to land myself in a shitty position knowing i will land in a shitty position eventually and expect my partner to suck it up. Yes, it is not fair and i have honestly~ not even thought about it before...

Now i'm back into the dilemma of not knowing what to do.

All the eldery advices i'd sought said the same thing; terminate the policy and give the money to mom~ the BEST thing to do here so there won't be further arguments or complications...

there is actually a lot of stuff going on in this very wrecked family of mine~

apparently mom is accusing dad obstructing the sale of the house and that she had not taken any valuables from dad (which don't explain how his stuff appeared on his desk after the "warning" letter was sent)... a lot of "he say" "she say"...

this is not my fight, it is honestly not even my problem~ yet i am caught in the cross fire~

yes, i hate it, and yes~ it is disturbing and distracting me from doing my work and i could hardly even find the energy, the focus or even the drive to get things done.

My assignments have been sitting on the desk for so long and typically i would have finished the entire class already yet i'm still struggling with the 3rd assignment. My other new class's materials have arrived but i'd yet to even collect it because it is going to just sit on my desk and stress the hell outta me...

i often thought at some point of time, life is gonna get easier and all these shit that i'm dealing with will be lesser but time and time again, i'm proven otherwise

So~

all these aside

The other day i went out with Karen, YongJie (the husband's colleagues) and of course the husband included to Universal Studio at Sentosa...

It has been a very very, freaking very long time since i'd went out for the entire day and just doing nothing but walking around, taking pictures, eat some expensive and "taste like shit" food... queue up for stupid show and stuff~ I can't remember when was the last time i did something like that... was it at the Zoo? Damn~

anyway, it was no doubt FUN~ but something i probably will not do again. Don't get me wrong, the husband's colleagues are nice people, they are fun and they made me laugh and they are good company~ BUT, i don't think i'm the "hang-out" kind of person~ i am not used to spending a day walking around doing nothing... i mean, ya~ it is a good "break" for me to just leave everything behind and go let my hair down, but i thought it would do me good like how all of you are thinking... yet i don't quite enjoy it because i know my work is not done, and i know i could have used the time for it and i just can't seem to leave things behind and have fun~

i'm not a fun person, i'm dark and twisted~ i don't watch cartoons and believe in fairytales~ i don't enjoy walking around taking photos like a tourist~ hell, i don't even use the kick-ass camera i've got...

it is very conflicting... there were moments of fun and laughters during the outing, but i know very well that my "heart" and "soul" is not with me~ but i'm convincing, i convince people that i'm having fun so much so that i don't even realize that i'm not. It is no fault of anyone but myself because i choose to be buried with worries and troubles, deprive myself out of some simple happiness, be so damn logical and practical about everything...

just because you see me smiling, posing in pictures looking all sweet and nice~ don't presume that i'm all "healed" and "better"~ Don't fucking presume and think you know me all that well~ because if you are so convinced by what you see about me on the surface, it probably means you don't really know me at all~

I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes, i'm tired of this smile that even i don't recognize~

tired of being tired~

there is a lot of shit going on inside me~ there are a lot of things i wish i can just yell and let it out, but i can't... so i'm hiding, i'm burying all these inside me and let it rot inside me~ so no, i don't talk, don't ask me, don't try to think you even know me...

perhaps all these ordeal will soon end with the sale of this house and with me moving out~ but will that be an end to a miserable ordeal or is that the beginning of another fucked up? i have no clue~

I have previously mentioned that home is where the heart lies~ i don't feel like i have a home~ i have a roof over my head, but not a home. and i will be moving from one house to another~ it is merely a change of location and occupants but surely not a home.

there are so many things i'd been fighting for, pushing for~ dealing with but at the end of it all, i'm not even sure if it is worth it...

but i sure learned a lot during these past few months/ years...

you can't change stupidity, you can't teach initiatives, you can't always be that magic to make things better when others don't want to and i'm done trying...

all i care about now is what is good for me~ because there is no one else that is willing to advocate my well-being for me except myself~ i can't rely on people to take care of me when they have problems taking care of themselves~

i can't go back and change the past, but it doesn't have to dictate my future...
you don't have to help me achieve in life, but don't be the reason that holds me back

sigh..

there is not a single happy post for so long...

i'm really tired...

very tired...

2011-04-14T00:05:00.004+08:00

i seriously did not realize that i'd not blogged for more than a week~

Now i don't know where to begin or how to start off this entry...
*thinking*

Okay~
guess what i can share is the updates with regards to this family drama/ parents divorce/ asset spliting/ money grabbing etc...

it is not at my liberty to discuss the terms and conditions of the divorce, but what i would say is that mom has got more than she deserved (in my opinion) and bro's future SMU education and expenses is also paid for~ which is quite a generous offer... So now bro has already sourced agents to market this place (i think i mentioned this in the previous entry), and there has been some viewing here and there~

Last i heard there is an offer but sadly bro's stubborness (refusing to talk to dad or to discuss the sale of the house with him), the deal is now sitting on the table because dad went out of town and won't be back so soon... so if the offer is still on the table when he returns, good~ if not... too bad

So now the house is on sale... that wasn't what that bothers me or just annoys the hell outta me.
It is the totally neanderthal mother of mine that does things that makes my jaw drop... or should i say; i'll never see her the same way i used to, respect her the way i used to or even feel that she's my mom...

First up~ she started taking whatever that is deem valuable in the house REGARDLESS who owns it (mostly are my dad's stuff), she would take it, hide it and do God konws what with it~ then she started locking up the store- room, her bedroom etc... in a way as if she fear the husband or me will go barge into her room and take her stuff~

She came to me on a pretext of "borrowing" some branded bags dad bought for me and before i realize, all 4 were GONE! obviously she feels that since dad bought it for me, she can take whatever she wants.

First she took ALL the stuff in the safe which includes a ring that my grandfather gave to my dad, and she REFUSE to return it to dad saying that it is some heirloom that she insist on "giving" to my bro (whom already annouce to the world that he has no father)... the way i see it is that mom is taking what she thinks means a lot to dad as a "revenge" or some sort...

Then she took the branded pens and camera~ that kinda cross the line and so dad sent a lawyer letter to mom's lawyer and demanded her to return those stuff else he'll go lodge a police report for theft~ (I should have done the same for my bags)...

i won't go on listing the crazy stuff she did (the list just doesn't end)
But i do want to share the following incident...

Mom bought an insurance policy "for" me (as in i'm the insured)~ but it was bought using dad's name (i have no idea why she would do that), and now that i'm married, the sole beneficiary would goes to the husband~ so mom decided that i should name her the sole beneficiary so if i drop dead, she gets to profit $60- $80K.
her exact words i quote "如果你现在死, 全部的钱归你老公我什么都没" Translating into english is "if you die now, all the money goes to your husband and i will have nothing"

This kinda threw me off a bit~ then she insisted on getting some agent to get me to sign on the "transfer of rights" to the insurance policy~ should i sign the papers, it means that mom gets to be the sole beneficiary, she has the rights to terminate/ surrender the policy for cash, or simply mortage the policy for cash loan....

I have several reasons why i should not sign the papers...

1- If she decided to mortage the policy for cash loan and she doesn't pay back, it would be me to be responsible for the loan... seeing how money crazy she is now... i don't feel safe that she won't pull something like this

2- should i drop dead now~ i don't want any complications arguing for my asset because someone like mom would start saying i promised her this and that and literally rip the husband broke till she milk what she want or think is enough (but money for mom is NEVER enough)

3- presumely i have another 30 years of life, presumely children die AFTER their parents, putting mom as the sole beneficiary means the money will go to her other two children... which in every $ sense is not fair~ why should they profit from my death when they have never given me a dime? and it is not like if they die i get their money~ so this is rubbish... pure rubbish

4- lastly, which is one of the more signicant reason~ mom is already smearing whatever good name i have left all because of this insurance policy. She makes the effort to dial up whoever that is willing to listen and tell them that i'm cheating her money, taking her money etc... so if i terminate the policy now~ i cash out whatever it is worth, with all the documents supporting the amount received, i will pass the cheque over to her lawyer which will then pass it to her; leaving behind a good paper trail that will PROVE that i did not pocket a single cent

because of this insurance policy, she said all kinds of evil, mean, curse, threatening, insulting and called me all kinds of names that she can come up with~ such as i'll be strike by lightning, die a horrible death, my husband will cheat on me like how dad cheated on her, that she even have the right to kick me out... ALL BECAUSE i don't want to sign the authorization over to her~ the very same night after all her yelling, screaming, cursing and threatening~ she came into my room and demanded me to return a little gold pendant and chain that she "gave" me years ago~ apparently what people give her is HERS but what she give people is not theirs~ totally babaric and unreasonable... and God forbid~ i actually feel why my dad would want to cheat on her in the very first place~

there is no better way to explain her madness besides being money crazy and that she hates me till now for having a cordial relationship with dad and ah yi~

don't tell me that this is just for the moment because mom is hurt and blah blah blah~ because i know her... 25 years ago when my grandmother told dad and mom to buy a house and leave the old house for my uncle whom just got married~ my mom was mad, pissed mad... then when my uncle's second son was born, they needed a bigger space and sold the old apartment- moving off without "giving a cent" to mom, she is blardy sore till this very day~ 25 years ago~ sore till now...

she bears grudge, is petty and despite her chanting and belief in buddhisim, she violated very rule of the teaching...

i can no longer see her the way i used to, and i myself asked for this shit...
when i first ROM and confided in her regarding some problems with the husband~ i confided in her with confidence because she's my mom~ now she happily go round telling people what i told her and spew awful comments and insults on the husband whom did NOTHING to offend her~

when i first returned from Portland, i was supposed to move back to Lompang cause at that point of time, the ex-wife moved out already... but because of this family drama, mom was screaming, crying, attempting suicide everyday and i felt that this is not the right time to move~ apparently i was wrong, very wrong. Now she tells the world that the husband and i are leeching on her...

guess what i want to say is that... seeing how she went money crazy scares me...
when she started taking things in the house and hiding it etc... i felt that my valuables ain't safe anymore~ so bad so that i had to pack everything and pass it to dad for safe-keeping. The last thing i know mom will come take what she likes in my room because i bought them with dad's money~

The latest incident is about the TV license rebat from the government. The refunded cheque was sent to dad signed to him, mom took the notice to me and demanded i ask dad to "return" her the money because is HERS. So i asked if she paid for it, she said ya~ she's the one paying for it~ and i ask her, where did your money come from? as expected, she started cursing at me blah blah blah~ for what's worth, it is only like $139.40

i know she feels insecure (she was never secure regardless how much dad gives her), and she wants more money and cash... but to go round taking things, hiding things~ this is more than just greedy... it is almost like theft and wrong...

guess i would say my relationship with her is very much done deal... we will never be as close again (i don't want to anyway), and i know no matter what, she will always bear the grudge till the day she die. If a matter that happened 25 years ago is sore till now~ why would i expect any different?

i am not worried about her chasing me out because legally i own the 20% that is supposed to be dad's... just got the lawyer papers today... just that it is not "legally" known to them...

Dad's reason for doing so is because he knows mom will give money to her other two children and i will have nothing, so he gave me the full 20% to the husband and me...

looks like now i only have a parent... i thought "chosing" parents is only when your parents are divorcing and you are under 18~ the court will ask "you want to live with daddy or mommy"~ apparently when now i'm 30, i'm faced with the same decision~

enough ranting... sorry you guys gotta read this whole junk...

i'll update some bit about my personal life in the next entry... hopefully it won't be 2 weeks later~

Take care you all~

2011-04-03T12:45:00.002+08:00

so~ where was i at the last entry? oh... the asset spliting thingy~ oh well, bro has already sourced some agents to market the place and soon enough there will be lots of strangers walking into my house- INTO my room just for a peak or two~ that is so... deja vu~ roughly about 4 yrs ago, we had the same circus coming in and out of our old apartment at Serangoon...

The odd thing about having strangers coming in and out of your house, criticizing this and that about the house is annoying~ i mean~ "oei, this is where i'd lived for the past 4 years"... i had never been more pleased with my room~ i finally get to have a complete set of bookshelves and a L-Shape table that i am still insanely in-love with. Not sure if the house at Lompang has a room big enough for these, but i'm pretty sure i can re-arrange them so they would actually fit~

this brings me back to the updates for the house at lompang~ as i expected, that idiot did not reply to any of our letters since the last appeal for the $20K grant. There is no other channels for her to appeal or anything to be appealed at all~ so my bet is that since she cannot get that money, she might as well cost us that money. If she doesn't reply, it means that we will have to go ahead to abstract the court order and file for an application to "force" her to reply, and which if she still doesn't reply- the court will intervene and decide the COV on behalf. I'm not being petty or thinking any less of her (i don't think much of her anyway), but given the reputation of her lawyer and her own proven persona~ i think i'm right on track...

the last time we went back to Lompang was during the Lunar New Year to pray~ and the house was in a "ahem" not so good shape~ the toilet at the kicthen is "spoilt" which i have no fucking idea how you can actually SPOIL the entire toilet~ and when we walked into the house; it smells of dung... "YEW"!!! But anyhow, i'm not the one living there and i'm pretty sure i'll get that all fixed BEFORE i move in... so the earlier we can resolve this matter, the faster that skanky ass can move out, the better we can do the renovation for the ENTIRE house! Actually it did occur to me to do the renovation while she's still there because it would be so fun to annoy her with all the drilling, hacking along with lots of dusts and dirts! hahaha... this would be really mean~ THEN, i think again... if i get everything nicely done before she moves out, she might SPOIL everything again... so ya, i'll be like slapping myself...

Sigh... sianz right... ya~ very!

just the other day, i was the bookstore looking for books on philosophy~ dunno why it is so boring to others, but to me; it is really interesting. Some of the great philosophers are the founding fathers of psychological, sociological and even mathematics, astrology etc... i just want to read something that is NOT related to anything that i'm studying... kinda sick to be studying about blood splatter, behavorial patterns of sadistic serial killers/ rapist. Need something more "neutral"~

i have finally watched Harry Potter- Deathly Hallows... conclusion; glad i didn't spend $9 on it... no surprise, no "woah" factor... but still entertaining (i read the entire series like at least 3 times). Somehow i prefer Harry Potter over vampires~ i rather wave a wand and change things rather than living hundreds of years and repeating high-school over and over again~

So~ today is Sunday... the husband and i are still lazing in the room... dunno where to go, dunno what to do and dunno what to eat also... but there's a dinner with his colleagues (4th time in a row) to go AMK for crab-bee hoon... i actually like to drink the soup and eat the noodles rather than the crab itself- too much work for too little meat... and i suck at cracking the shells~ blah...

it is 1.30pm already~ gotta go find food else we'll eat late and be too full for dinner... enjoy ur weekend! tomorrow is the beginning of another SIANZ week... =.="""

2011-03-30T22:28:00.004+08:00

i don't know how i should start this entry... suddenly there are so many things i wanna say~ ok, first up~ i finally dragged my fat-ass down to school to sit for the final exam for school violence. Wasn't easy though we were given the question the very day we collected the study guide~ what is hard is trying to remember the whole junk of stuff you are supposed to write and actually make sense within 2 hours for a hand-written paper~ that is a lot of strain on my already swollen wrist~ bite my teeth and just write and write... now i don't care how its gonna score cause worse i get B for this paper but i'll still get A for the class cause all else i've got for this class is A(s)

Then~ mom is pressuring me to change the policy beneficiary to her because she bought the policy under my name at 1994, so if i were to die now, the husband gets the pay-out~ so she's VERY WORRIED that if i DIE NOW, the husband will get the money! WTF!!! i'm not like terminally ill or cancerous duh! but anyhow, i will get it done for her ASAP! Ok, now~ the divorce is finally set~ they decided to split (which i am not surprised), then they are gonna sell this house and split the profit according to the agreed ratio~ the fix i'm facing now is that the house at Bukit Panjang is not yet ready (and i don't know how long more they gonna need or take) then i also have no idea how soon this house will be sold~ this frustrates me so bad! i'm at the last 4 classes to graduation and all these have to happen RIGHT NOW! DAMNIT!'

fuck la... this is annoying... i'm just gonna do what i can and just get things to move along~ all else? don't quite care~ mom is gonna receive a huge pay-out from the house, and i'm sure she'll be lovingly giving it to her other two children and cut me out totally, which is fine by me because i'm sure they will feel that daddy will give me more~ woah!!! see, i get nothing~ and yet i'm taking sides... so funny!

anyway, i'm tired, trying to get my assignment #3 going so ya~ gonna multi-task and get things done the best i can... hope the rest of the week will be better~ peacefully better!

2011-03-23T22:28:00.002+08:00

it is highly unusual for me to post 2 entries within the same day... but i kinda just want to blog about it.

in the midst of mugging the books for my 3rd assignment, somehow rather... i drifted into the "movie" folder and then somehow clicked on the "twilight" series~

i know it is rather a crappy movie... it is kinda crappy in every way...
a love-stuck vampire that looks like he's in serious pain everyday, and a human girl that want nothing but to be sucked by the vampire...
The whole thing about the vampire glitering up underneath the sun? seriously?
Nevermind...

one of the most "attractive" thing i would go for in that movie is the very "intense" love- hate relationship... the intensive love you feel for the other person, then the hate- to leave that person because you feel that what you are doing is hurting this very person. Though i don't buy the fact that one will die without another, but i did ever felt life being drained out of me when someone i was madly in-loved with left me (for someone & the other one died). this kind of pain can be very misleading... it makes you literally think that you will die sooner or later~

should i say practice makes perfect? or should i say get your heart broken a few more times then you will learn? or should i say just guard your heart up~ don't let anyone in, so no one gets to hurt you like that?

so if you are so guarded, so afraid to fall, then you will perhaps NEVER know how it feels to be truly madly intesnsively in-love. If you ever meet that one person that shake your world upside down, leave you with a deep hole inside your heart, don't mourn, don't be bitter, but be thankful that you have felt it, you have probably felt love and that does not happen to everyone. This intensive love that you feel, can be good and can be bad, if you become obsessed, addicted to this intensive feeling, then you're like some adrenaline junkie~ because not everyday we meet someone that can shake our world upside down~ and if you persist in finding that someone to give you this feeling, then chances are you're gonna be lonely, miserable and very disappointed.

As we grow older, we realize that some promise cannot be held literally... especially the "forever" part. No, i'm not mocking at anyone~ this is ME talking; forever sounds too long and painful for me~ regardless what it is in life, nothing will be "forever", people change, circumstances change, perspective change... look at Japan, they were the super power nation and overnight~ half of the country is gone~ homes were wrecked, lives were gone, people went missing and maybe will never be found~ tragic, yes~ my point is... it is not what we HAVE and own now, it is the beauty of it that we once have. Some of us are lucky enough to have this person and have them for the longest possible period in our life~ some get married, have beautiful kids, own this amazing sweet warm home and life just seem like a bliss filled with abundance of love~ but it doesn't happen to everyone...

most people i know~ were madly in-love with their partner when they first get together, then the same rush will get them to be married, the vows and promises "till death to us part", but the reality of it is hardly any fairy tale~ married couples start fighting over bills, living habits, snoring problem, farting problem, house chores, disciplinary of the kids, what school to enroll and the list goes on and on~ the other factors like "friends", our extended family... couples start fighting over things that is not even related to their marriage~

it is never easy to maintain a relationship... some work out, some don't... if we are lucky enough, it takes just months to realize it don't work, for some, it might take years~

guess i'm getting preachy...

that's about what i think i wanna say for now...
i have this horrible migraine that i want to just hit the sack like RIGHT NOW...

Nite nite~

2011-03-23T12:43:00.002+08:00

been another week of "gap" between my entries...

OH well, besides trying to get more work done, i'm lazy most of the time~ feeling tired, restless and just simply "can't be bothered"... of course that means a lot of distractions~

Not that i don't bother about my work totally, but it is more like i'm just not forcing myself to do stuff at some "wonder speed"... i just take my time to read, to write and stuff... given my typical pace, i would have accomplished more~ oh well, so long i maintain my grades and get things done bit at a time, it is still something

Weekdays are relatively the same for me... do my school work, a bit of office work... just simple and plain~

weekend... on sunday 20th March, the husband's colleague- Karen, organized a steamboat buffet dinner... the husband and i were there early cause we wanted to stroll around the mall and stuff, then Karen came shortly after that~ went TCC for coffee while waiting for the rest of the guys to come. The steamboat is rather "okay", i won't even say "nice" cause likely this is a ONCE and ONLY thing~ of course, the guys ate a lot and i didn't stomach that much. It was still early when we finished dinner so the guys suggested go shoot some pool~

the usual "rule", winner stays~ nope, i wasn't winning all the time~ out of 4 games i won 2~ it is just for fun, so i don't take it so seriously like "win" or "die" kinda thing...

after all these, it was about 11.30pm and we split up to go home. Ah Liang and James followed the husband and I, while Karen "took" yongJie...

it was rather enjoyable and guess we all had fun~
perhaps "too fun" that Karen went back to work the next day and organized a "supper outing" this coming Saturday.... hahah~

this week i'm supposed to do my Final-Exam for School Violence and probably next week my first exam for Juvenile Delinquency ... sigh~ so many exams... sianz...

guess now i'll be complaining about the academic load and perhaps when i do graduate, i'll be bitching about how i miss my academic life... wake up, drink coffee, study~ watch a bit of TV or drama... we are so human, we complain about everything.

anyway, this is about all for now...

family has been rather peaceful... and i wonder how long will that last~

okie, gotta start working on my Assignment #3 for Juvenile Delinquency~

hope you guys will have a nice week (of what's left)...

that's it folks!

2011-03-17T01:39:00.006+08:00

it is late, i and should be sleeping already~ apparently i'm not...

oh well, perhaps the reduced dosage on my sleeping pills is beginning to take effect? or maybe i'm worried about my assignment for Juvenile Delinqyency... though the lecturer graded it 16/20, she pointed out some points that i should include in the paper and score the full 20/20. seemed like she's rather demanding- then i realize she is a professor- head of sociology... damn! now she got me worried about the exams... crap!

these few days i'd been rather distracted~ it is like, i'm closer to having a place called "home" and i can't help but started drawing up images, designs for the cabinets etc... building a "dream home" sounds good to me~

nothing special lately... which is a good thing...

remember my last few post of people "letting go" "moving on" etc...

i'd come to realize that while we are engrossed, burying ourselves in pain and misery, focusing on the person that hurt you, we forgot about those whom has been standing by you, caring and worried sick about you...

then again, i shouldn't have prey into the past, i shouldn't have allowed it to bother me~ so rather than being mad, angry and feeling like crap, i looked back and saw the people that has been standing by me all these while, they deserve better, i can do better.

guess after a few hours of sleep, i'll have to work on my assignment and have it submitted for grading again~ i'm not anal about MUST have full- marks, but more like doing what i know and the results will prove what is it that i know.

it is finally thursday... half of the week is gone~ and sadly, i'm not half as productive as i'd wished. ya, put the blame on me... no excuses for my lazy bone!

alright, i really need to go Zzzzz... hope that i can sleep... thankfully, i have my iPod touch~ keeps me company and drift me to dreamland... speaking of which, i wish i can "re-dream" what i dreamt of last night... i want to go back to that place, that time... that dream~ will share more about it later...

okie my loves,

nite to you all (those whom haven't sleep), and MORNING to those whom just wake up

love you all!

2011-03-14T16:35:00.002+08:00

News Flash:

The court hearing regarding the contest of the $40K grant to the husband which the ex-wife thinks she deserve half ($20K) has been ruled out by the court~ so yeah, we don't have to pay her the "$20k" and that we are are proceding with the negotiation of the COV (cash over valuation) and urge her to start processing the transfer...

Hopefully we can get this over with and move in by May or end of May? (sounds ironic to me cause the ex-wife's name is "May") hahaha... end of may.... hehehe...

yupz, that's all now...

2011-03-14T14:46:00.003+08:00

i shall not complain about how time flies~ i think it is a known fact to everyone, don't you wish you have more than 24 hours in your life? so we get to work, rest, hang out with friends and sleep like a pig? not sure about you, but i sure like to have more than 24 hours per day~

good news: my lecturer has finally graded my last assignment for School Violence and YEAH! i got another A for it~ so for all the 12 assignments, i'd scored A for all excluding the mid-term (which is also an A), and now i'm just gonna do what i can to get another A for the final exam~ that would make the overall grade an A too! hehehe... and yes, i'm bragging about it because the lecturer is really impressed with my scholary work and that this class she conducted is actually the bone of the book she's publishing in Summer! so she's incorporating some of my work, ideas and perspective into the book! Mad Cool isn't it!

Weekend has been rather good~ or should i say "its complicated"?

On thursday, i booked a room at Amara for 3D 2N (11th March - 13th March)...
no, it wasn't with the husband... i sort of got emotional about stuff, stressed out to the max, and a little upset with the husband. No, he did not do anything wrong; rather- it was what he DIDN'T do~

our first few months of "dating" life, early parts of our marriage, life was sweet, he was sweet~ he would text me sweet nothings, compliment about this and that, tuck me in to bed and watch me sleep before he would sleep~ occasionally a peck on the cheek... stuff that makes me feel loved, cared for and mostly- IMPORTANT.

It is not like he is cheating on me or what (i'm sure he's not), but it is like me watching some "romance" drifting away and i refuse to buy the shit that romance die after marriage. To me, romance needs to be maintained. It needs 2 person to make it work... it is an invested effort from both party to make this marriage filled with romance and how we make each other feel love, cared and important.

I know it can be difficult for the husband because he work long hours, and by the time he gets home he's like half-dead... all he wants is to "relax", game a little and rest~ i'm not pressuring him to participate in some sports or what, or do chores or anything, i just wish he can be more "open" to talk, strike a conversation, discuss something (weather, food, current affairs)... it doesn't have to be like some in-depth profound discussion, just simple communication~ let me know his thoughts, how he feel about stuff... what's going on at work, how's he feeling about work... so many topics for him to choose, but sadly, he's no talker~

Anyway, i spent 3D 2N thinking about this relationship though most of the time i was engrossed in my studies~ i cannot carve him into someone that he's not, neither can i live with someone without communication... i'm no attention seeker pyscho wife that gets paranoid over stuff, but a little this and that goes a long way for me. So i'm thinking of alternative approach to this marriage that works for the both of us~ he doesn't have to be someone he's not, and i don't have to feel neglected and unloved~

baby steps one at a time... honestly, we didn't date "long" before we got married, so there is this whole chunk of him i have yet to discover~ i guess i have to find the "balance" and compromise a bit here and there

So~ on the 13th march (sunday) i checked out from the hotel, the husband came to pick me up~ guess people have to "lose" something to realize how much they want it. When i was away for 3 days, the husband told me he couldn't sleep, he misses me and stuff~ maybe i'm retarded to want to hear these shit when i see him all the time, but you know~ it is still something pleasant to hear

Mom-in-law called and said she prepared SteamBoat for dinner, but because we are going to have dinner with his colleagues, we went back for lunch instead. Grab myself a nice cup of coffee and went to lunch~ damn, i ate so much... hahaha

I'm really lucky and blessed that my parents-in-law dote on me and treats me like one of their own~ they make me feel belonged, part of the family~ something my own family cannot give...

after lunch we went back to saraca and i unpacked my shit, laze around till dinner~ we went to pick YongJie, James & Gf up at Newton while Karen is already on her way to Turf City~ ya, we went for seafood, but i was so freaking full from lunch, i barely ate~

dinner was nice, pleasant but i guess in the beginning, we were all kinda "shy"... gradually we broke the ice and it was nice... we were cracking jokes on the expense of YongJie~ hahaha... now we're hoping to organize a "majong session"... they are nice people, and it's fun~ and i hope the husband can socialize more besides staying home and have his eyes glued on the phone gaming away.

Moving on to "another page"... i was "confronted" by someone, saying that i screw his heart, i messed up his life, how he would turn nasty if i don't want to meet up and clear the air (which i have no freaking idea what is there to "clear")... then he said i OWE him my heart because it was "forever" that we promised.

So let me clarify these shit: I don't fucking owe you anything, you chose to be stucked and be paranoid, anal and sick about all these, i know~ at some point we meet someone that leaves us all wrecked and crushed inside, but again, it is up to you if you wanna walk out of these mess~ why the fuck is it MY problem? we all promise and hope for "forever" in basically EVERY relationship, because when everything is green and pretty, we just want more, we hope it would stay that way "forever"... but life is no fairy-tale~ reality is way more cruel than lovey-dovey shit~ we move on in our own aspect of life, we start to learn new perspective, new meaning to stuff, then expectations for our partner changes~ so it boils down to can it be worked out or not~ if can; good~ if not; move on~ how can you expect someone to stay "forever" when they can't even stand to be in the same room with you for a minute? how do you expect someone to "love" you when talking and replying text messages is already miserably painful? if despite all these, you still demand "together", you're one sick, selfish, perverted animal that ought to be shot in the head.

blaming others for your own inability to adjust to changes and get over shit is a new low~ then i realize, there are this distinctive group of people that simply refuses to acknowledge their own fault, they push the blame to others, they basically blame you for everything... they can't eat "its your fault", they can't sleep "your fault", they can't function "your fault" i guess to the extend they can't shit "it is still your fault"...

okay, my point is that~ dear friends, do please pay extra caution when selecting a partner be it for a long-time romance, a quick fling or even any sort of relationship, the last you want is some psycho stalker or even someone that has a mental age half or less than their actual age; that turns your life upside down, miserable, annoyed and best of all- threatens you now and then with whatever threats they can come up with. I don't understand, why would someone invest in so much effort to just be a psycho stalker rather than use that energy to just move on with their lives? do something constructive, find something positive~

then again, i'm talking about psycho stalker with mental retardation~ so i guess logics don't apply...

so far i think my life is no bed of roses, but it isn't all that bad~

ok, this is getting to be a really long entry~ gonna make this short; family still dramatic, but none-of-my business, studies are good, the husband hopefully will realize the "problems" between us...

and now, i just wanna do what i can for the remaining hours of the day~

that's all folks!

2011-03-10T13:56:00.002+08:00

woah, another week "zoomed" by like that...

i'd managed to finished the first 2 assignment required from the lecturer so to be able to sit for the first exam, but the thing is~ she have not graded the first paper and so i have not send the second one... i just want to see how i'm scoring and if the style of writing is to her requirement, that would set the benchmark for the rest of my essays. Finished the 5 chapters that will be covered for the exam too~ submitted the exam request for the paper, so when the paper arrive, i'll just read through again. Now i'm working towards the 3rd & 4th assignment, chapters 6- 10. So far i'm still a little behind schedule cause i'm tired, and distracted. Ok, more excuses for me not being strict on myself~

Basically nothing really "happening" going on, the usual family drama and stuff~ life has been pretty monotonous which is good in a way~ i need a stable environment to keep my mood stable, to function, to work and think... drama are no good for me, they distract me, upsets me and send me on an emotional roller-coaster ride... all in all~ they drain the positivity out of me, leaving me all wreck and twisted inside till i pick myself up again.

i'm enjoying the occasional coffee gossip and catch-up with David, Amy has been rather "well-behaved" except annoying the shit outta me there and then~ the husband is still "the husband" (no change is good?)... Amy and I are perhaps gonna spend some time shopping on saturday~ thought i could use a little shopping just to chill and walk around~ but that is still not confirmed yet.

Oh, another thing, my in-laws has invited the husband and i to go on a cruise but we have yet to hear any confirmation from them... so still not sure if it is still on. Then maybe in end March or April, in-laws are planning to go Genting Highland and again, they invited us to join them~ erm, i've never been to Genting Highland before~ sound really "sua ku" right? at least that's what mom-in-law said... =.="""

The other day, i was digging for some information about someone, and i thought perhaps the answers will be like a closure for me, little did i expect to prey open a "i thought healed" wound~ it was an emotional cocktail of anger, envious, happy and blah blah blah (mostly negative feelings)... then i looked back and stuff~ a journey down memory lane, i tried to fit the details into the gaps and ya, i did got the whole picture all nicely piece up, and it is though not a surprise, but i still wished i was wrong. we try to reason within ourselves why this happened, why that happened especially when we felt wronged and betrayed... we want to justify, we want answers, we try to reason, we do this and that to "make ourselves feel better" ... but we forgot that it doesn't change anything at all~ what happened is fact, is reality, its over~ period. that's it!

i don't want to emotionally trap myself in the past, it is no good for me or anyone at all~ this is the part i would say "let it go" and MOVE ON! no one said it is a piece of cake but it is also up to you to decide how its gonna be~ even at a snail's speed, moving an inch at a time is still a progress. We tell ourselves, let go, move on, we try as hard to forget, to be strong, to be less emotional... we try, then hope as hell we get there~

On the contrary to the "try to forget" part, from this incident; what i'd learnt is that sometimes we try so hard to forget, the deeper we sink into it cause we are constantly reminding ourselves to "forget" and that it becomes a constant reminder of what happened.

i guess my point is, different people digest things differently, how to get over something, move on, let go, forget, remember etc... is really up to ourselves, find a way that works for you, i'm trying to find one that works for me too~

perhaps one day i'll look back and laugh at my own stubbornness and stupidity, maybe i'll still feel sad and bitter, but i won't know till i try...

I'm trying~ Are you?

2011-03-05T12:48:00.002+08:00

how many times must i emphasize that time flashes by within a blink?

I can't believe one week has gone by~ it felt like yesterday that i had just finished school violence and now i'm in the midst of juvenile delinquency. Thankfully, i'm still on the pace i'd set for myself. Finished the first assignment and submitted it to my lecturer, not sure how long she's gonna take to grade it and what the grade would be like~ the first assignment for each class is the hardest, because you don't know what the lecturer is looking for. Some are critical and demanding on the introduction page of the study guide but when you submit the papers, they are not half as scary or demanding, whereas some lecturer don't highlight their demands but is superbly difficult after you submit the papers. so i'll cross my fingers, toes and whatever till i get the first grade back. Meanwhile, i'll be working on the second assignment and revise the 5 chapters required for the first exam.

i'm supposed to have taken my final exam for school violence, but i have not get the grade for my last assignment, so i'm kinda holding on to the exam hoping to get my grade back before i sit for the paper. Some of the materials in the last assignment is part of the final exam question, so i need to be sure that the materials i use are valid~ so i'll just wait and see...

Been spending time at home cause i just want to stay home and do my work, even though now and then i watch some TV, listen to some music, at least things are being done bit by bit.
The husband has been buying lunch home~ which i thought is a good thing because by the time we finish eating, it is barely 4pm, and he only goes back to work at around 5++, so that gives him 1 hour to rest and nap...

lately i'm feeling oddly tired~ not sure if it is because of my studying or what...
nowadays it is just harder to drag myself out of the bed and get my day started~
regardless, i have to put some real determination on it because how fast i complete the class is up to me, i can slack and be wasted, then it means delaying my graduation. So it is really self-discipline

though i'd woken up like 3 hours ago, now i'm sitting here with my coffee, still yawning away~

tired~ really tired...

weekend is here~
tomorrow we going back to parents' in-law for steamboat! hehehe....
nice!
just hope mom-in-law won't stuff so much food down on me~
maybe i'll buy the fried chicken mom got last week... yummy!

ok, enough crap~
need to go back to my second assignment and hopefully finish the revision for chapter 4 in a very glimpse hope of finishing chapter 5 as well...

oh, in-case you are wondering how's family...
i would say fairly ok~
the theory "it takes two hands to clap"? ya, it is very true...
i'd learnt NOT to engage in any conversation or arguement with mom- which literally means i'm ignoring her~ ya... i am
No matter what i'm gonna say, she won't like it, basically she don't like me being around here and i'm just gonna upset her even more by responding or anything.

as for the house at lompang,
my lawyer called and told us that the other party has written to the high-court to dispute about being entitled to part of the $40,000 grant the government gave to the husband as a benefit of being a first-timer to apply for a apartment by HDB, the hearing will be this coming friday (11th march). At first we thought the high-court might dismiss the case because this arguement has been made and dismissed during the appeal from the other party, but apparently now the high-court wants to hear the arugements and look into it.

i'm ok and it is totally fair to want to look into this matter out of fairness to everyone~ i may NOT like that woman, or very much annoyed and perhaps feel like slapping her... it is her rights to have a fair hearing. Yes, she's blardy greedy... so what? there's nothing we can do...

my lawyer informed us about the hearing and told us to keep an open mind about it. There may or may not be any compensation, and we can decide on if we want to appeal or not based on the ruling. So we'll see how it goes~ yes, the husband is pissed mad maybe boiling... oh well, like what i'd told him... he left a big huge door opened and now she's back to bite him in the ass~ that's the thing about divorce in Singapore, the Women's Charter? it protects and gives women the rights to dispute, contest and aruge for more money, benefits and intrest in property etc...

whatever it is, the husband and i hope to get this matter resolved as quickly as possible but that doesn't mean we will simply close our eyes and compromise. If the ruling is fair and justified, we'll swallow it and move on, but if it is NOT justified~ we might appeal...

we'll know what happens next week...

for now, i'm gonna keep focusing on my school work and be productive~

suddenly there are so many things to do,
i have yet to go to the flora shop to collect the paper work and accounts for this month
i owe dennis the write up "about us" for the website for flora shop, photos and stuff for "the other company"... =.="""""""

will tackle one at a time...

well, that's all for now folks,
Till the Next post~

2011-03-01T01:38:00.002+08:00

letting go~ holding on~ moving forward~ stucked in the past~
these are emotional phases one has to at some point will have to go through regardless how much you want or don't want to.

Letting go doesn't mean you are weak, it doesn't mean failure~ it simply means you realize that letting go is a way of moving on~ Letting go takes more courage than holding on, cause we all like to live in hopes~ a glimpse of it is enough to keep us happy like kids who get candies... but hopes will be dashed, dreams will fail, disappointment follows by depression, maybe sometimes denial~ the vicious cycle and the 5 stages of grief. How you look at the situation, interpret it, is soley up to you and at your discretion. U can choose to just go blast a night out, drink till you puke, go to the beach and yell till your throat hurts~ you can be mad, upset, angry, pout, sulk... but then you need to know when to stop and start moving on~ finding new objectives, finding new goals, finding new hobbies, friends, games, sports... after all these, you will move on~ unless you don't want to~

then it comes the "holding on" "stucked in the past"~ we hold on to what we feel or see as something precious, something dear~ something we wanna have as long as we can, as much as we can, then at some point, you might find yourself being conflicted about letting go and holding on, moving forward or stucked in the past. Prehistoric days, our forefathers has already established something called "history", they document the past, mistakes, honors, and all sort of crap, we learn about history so we can learn from the past without making the mistakes on our own. There is literally nothing wrong holding on and you cannot let go, if you decide this is how you wanna live your life, who are we to judge and say its wrong? But ask yourself this: is it right? what benefit will it do for me? how long is this thing gonna last? what am i missing while i'm holding on and being stucked in the past when everyone else is moving forward?

lately, i'd seen how people are conflicted over these crap of "holding on" "cannot let go" "stucked in the past" "letting go" "moving forward"...

i know its not easy feat to just say "let go, move on"... i personally had to deal with it for months and almost years to "move on"~ in this context, letting go, is the beginning~ a start, a change~ "moving on" is present action tense, you want to shake off the shadows, doubts, pain, tears, anger, and the hardest, is the memories. honestly, i'm still hunted by some of my past and these memories return like flash cards... some return in a series of weird dreams...

"holding on" "stucked in the past" is maybe easier, cause we get comfortable in our environment, our situation and we fear that by letting go to a new phase, it means changes that we might not cope, so we hold on, we choose to be stucked in the past, because we don't know what future has for us, we don't know what change is to be expected.

in science, change is the only constant...

we have to change and adapt to new changing environment, we keep ourselves updated with the latest trend, fashion, gadgets and culture~ like it or not, we all have to change so much so that we don't even realize we are changing or have changed.

be it "let go, move on" or "holding on, stucked in the past"... it doesn't matter what you choose because it is your life, but do know that no time and world that will stop moving or revolving just because you cannot keep up.

your choice, your life~

2011-02-28T01:00:00.002+08:00

woah, the weekend came and now gone (again)...

for starters, i managed to finish up the last assignment for school violence and my preparation for the final-exam, now i'm just waiting for the paper to arrive and pray freaking hard that i can actually remember all that i'd learnt and dun panic and just freeze~

As planned, i managed to finish the entire class by this week and as from tomorrow, it is another "new journey" to start Juvenile Delinquency and the entire vicious cycle of learning, writing, examinations will start... this class seem rather easy to manage. only 5 assignments but minimum is at least 4 page, 3 examinations that each covers 5 chapters~ crap! that's one of the things i hate about exams... all the definitions, theories, blah blah blah that you have to remember and have no fucking idea what's gonna come up during the exam~ HATE IT!

I spent the entire saturday working on the last assignment and preparation for the exam, and i couldn't finish the last part for the exam preparation, so i leave it for today. So ya, finally finished everything, file away the notes and books~ leaving only the exam notes on my table.

Another class is on the way, crime analysis and theories... glad that the textbook is not here yet though the materials are already waiting.

Keep telling myself, one down~ few more to go, the last lap, just focus and get it over with...
only if it could be this easy as it says~

family wise, drama is no longer a hot gossip topic, i'm kinda just numb and can't be bothered with all the shit mom says or do~ just keep myself focused on my studies and do the best i can.
But on the side-note, mother-in-law gotta stop stuffing me with food~ she is so persistent and saying no is just SO HARD! that's why sometimes i feel weary about going to in-laws... they over feed you with food because they see you once in a while and all they can think of is making you eat and eat and eat and eat...

kinda feeling bloated and as if i'm putting back the weight i'd lost~ NOT A GOOD THING!
i felt good when i was losing weight and now... hmmmm~

Gladly, February is coming to an end, and March is all about Juvenile Delinquency~ i certainly hope that i won't take long trying to finish this class, i took more than enough time to complete School Violence which is not a good thing, it means i'd been lazy, distracted and delaying my graduation... so i need to seriously just speed up and do better.

As usual, i would hope for a better month, a better week and better days, but i'd learnt to work and function in the worse situations and environments~ it is all in the head... how bad you want it, how desperate you need it...

oh well, it is late now and i need to get the sleep i need cause it is gonna be a long day tomorrow.... hopefully i can complete 2 chapters...

monday is always blue... but i hope i won't be that blue and i can get things done.

Hope you guys will have a great week ahead~

2011-02-25T00:26:00.002+08:00

damn~

am i the only one that feels that time is just flashing by in a blink?
i can't believe february is coming to an end just like that~
its a good thing actually... the whole "moving forward" thing? just that i'm not sure if with the pace i'm going at, can i actually really graduate by May?

honestly, not likely~ seriously, whom am i kidding? I have another 5 more to go, 1 is already on my desk, another one is on the way. with all the distractions and drama that is going on~ i'm surprised that i'm still scoring good grades.

Family drama is nothing new~ and i doubt any positive change will happen, not now not in the future. This thing is only gonna get worse and the worst has yet to come.

I have no idea how it would be when more drama unfolds, but i'm sure as hell trying to keep myself outta the mess and focus real hard on my last few classes. If there is any reason to be selfish and not bothered, i think i got myself a pretty good reason~ my graduation, my future. Though a lot of idiots out there believe that what i'm studying is useless, not relevant and not practical and that i probably won't be able to find a job even after graduation. But i'll let the future speaks for itself. The route down is still long... we'll see~

Lately, i realize that the whole theory of "emotional blindspot" is actually real~ and damn, how can i NOT see it? ya, that's why they called it a blindspot. When you are invested emotionally into someone, some incident, some situation, you will lose objectivity and foresight. You will lose track of what is happening and not realize it till it all rupture and slams you right in the face. I guess i'm lucky that i'd realized it now before MORE drama happens. You probably have no freaking clue what i'm saying~ but its ok... i'm self-absorbed, so i might be the only one that understands what i'm saying.

i won't just say that life is all dark and shit, cause i know people who are going through worse. I'm just glad that i have people whom really care for me and make my life as comfortable as possible. Let's not going into putting names down~ you know who you are, cause i would have told you so.

The next few months will be crucial to me, myself and I~
ya, i'd probably said it tons and tons before that i need to focus and speed up etc... but saying and actually doing it is another thing. Despite my effort to try to finish up school violence as soon as i can, i'm still stuck at the LAST assignment and yet to prepare for the final examination. The second last assignment took me about 3days to complete because i'm stressed~ at work, at home and the idea that if i fuckng screw up the last 2 assignments with a B, i might actually lose all the previous efforts of scoring A(s). Just one more assignment to go, if i can secure an A for this, even if i don't do so well for the exam, i will still likely to score a A for this class. So it is important to me, it is stressful, it kills most of the brain cells that i have (which is probably not a lot by the way)... i have not had this kind of "brain jam" in a while~ i think the last "jam" was when i was doing my psychology diploma~ all the best for the last assignment and exam~ i'm doing my best and fucking pray that i don't screw it up.

Work is not that big a deal~ the flora shop is back to "usual" business~ all the BIG festive is over for now, and just the routine accounting etc... the other "company" is fine without me~ besides attending case and doing paper work... it is all still manageable. Of course, then people would say that i'm just a loafer being "paid" to loaf on the excuse of "working" when i don't have to sit in the office for 8 hours like regular people. I think they forgot to include the mid-night hours i put in to attend cases when they are in dreamland, they forgot that i have almost ALL necessary stationaries at home to facilitate my work. It is really easy to look at me and feel that i have nothing but time.

i woke up since 6am in the morning and spent the entire morning at the office, then follow by another office~ took piles of work home with me...

though reluctantly~ i managed to be convinced by the husband to go out for a breather because that idiot was made to clear his leave from last year. It was a last minute thingy and desipte me having to run between 2 offices, we met up with Amy for lunch, went for a movie (Unknown)- not too bad, but kinda disappointing when Liam Nesson isn't hardcore gruesome fighting and kicking ass... went back to work at the other office while the husband waited patiently (not like he has other choice)... then we went for dinner and strolled a while in the mall before i had to rush home to finish up more work. My phone keep ringing the whole time i was out~ one thing after another just kept coming in... kinda really distracted me from enjoying anything.

it wasn't all peace and sweet when i got home... mom and her idiotic childish nonesense just has to keep coming and annoy the hell outta me. This time, she insanely stormed down to the living room while i was talking to dad regarding the accounts and billings for the flora shop, she said "are you sick? your air-con temperature is set at 17 degrees celsius. you are eventually gonna spoil the air-con by blasting it"... i had this "What The FUCK" face and dad mirrored that face. he then gave me the "signal" to ignore her... got dad to sign off the documents and went back to my room.

It is no news that i ALWAYS blast my air-con in my room, back in the old apartment and in the current one. I like it blasting cold because it then feel cosy in my bed. If not because of the husband being on the floor which the vent blows directly at him, i would have blast it even colder. See, the thing is my room~ not big, but LONG! so the cold air kinda doesn't "reach" where my bed is, so the "cool" thing is just the climate in my room. I have suggested to the husband that we should switch places because I WANT TO SLEEP in colder environment, but he refused. And i don't want to be all evil and cruel to just shove him with more thicker blankets~ so i make do with just 17 degress~ so i don't really use my blanket now. "sob sob"

blah~

ya, i'm ranting... that's the whole purpose of this blog, I RANT you read~ don't like? don't read~ don't torture yourself, i'll gladly do it for you...

oh well, it is 1am already, and the husband is already snoring... so i guess i'll have to finish up with i have on hand and leave the rest for tomorrow or should i say a few hours later?

so if you think that i'm having a cosy time doing nothing, i will fucking slap the shit outta you~ you are of course, entitled to freedom of thoughts and comments, just don't tell me~

gonna just end this post here...
i really need to finish up my work.

Weekend is here! hope you guys will have a blasting relaxing one~

2011-02-16T11:07:00.002+08:00

i'd finally~ managed to complete assignment #9 for school violence and is already working on the #10 and i have also managed to outline the points for the next few ones (2 remaining after i finish #10) then the final exam which i have also done the research and printed out what i need. Final exam will take a longer time to prepare because i have to like remember a lot of stuff and i suck at remembering stuff

So school work is being worked on and i guess it is not that much about mojo for me now, it is more like having to FORCE myself to be a good girl and sit my fat ass down to finish the paper so i'm talking about discipline and determination.

ya, i feel good about being able to start working on my assignments and i even got the grades back like in less than 2 hours~ my lecturer is so very... efficient~ i mean that's a good thing huh? at least i don't have to hang my heart out and wonder how i fare for the paper. She has been really kind to comment to help me improve for the beter and also lots of really nice encouragements... Till now, my grade for this class is still on top of everyone else with a A. Muahahah.... i will bitch slap the next asshole if they tell me my assignments are a piece of cake because i'm from this "mickey mouse" school~ try reading my notes and questions genius

Mom was out yesterday, dunno where she went, don't care~ so i had the house to myself (that explains why i was so efficient)~ hahaha... she doesn't really bothers me even if she's at home, but the thing is~ i'm very annoyed when she just suddenly barge in and ask random silly questions like "How come i did not receive my CPF statement"~ i was like "HUH? you go ask CPF lar, ask me for what"... or just barge in to pass some crude remarks that also annoys me.

so all that aside, i'm actually okay~ i mean my mood is more stablized, now i got my assignments worked on... there isn't much more i can ask for~

oh ya, Thanks to Amy for getting me the Bose Companion 5 Speakers ($729) that comes with a insanely powerful woofer. I forgot how much i loved blasting my speakers in the morning to start my day, and a superbly comfortable keyboard with all the hot-keys and a rubber "wrist rest" that keeps my wrist from being sore after typing too much

Yup~ i'm kinda happy~ totally in-love with the speakers and keyboard!!! Yippeee!!!!

ok, now i need to go shower up and wake every sense and nerve inside me so i can start working on the summary and conclusion for #10. Amy is coming over to hang out and just "gossip"...

it should be a good day, it better be a good day~

2011-02-14T17:44:00.002+08:00

today is the supposed to be the sort of most exciting event that is unofficial a "holiday". Couples will go dine at some fancy restaurant and willingly be robbed of insanely priced menu, flowers in this particular day costs twice the usual price, movie theaters get full-house, and even the sales of condoms and contraceptives also increase sharply...

Nah, i'm not a V-day kinda person... and of course, i have lots of legitmate reasons for not being one. I'm never a "romance" kinda person and i don't like sweets or chocolates of any kind, i don't like flowers, and i dun like the idea of being a idiot to dine at a restaurant to pay twice the usual price and still taste like crap.

To add to the very not so romantic part of this day, my insane mom is driving me insane as well. Sort of the "welcome to the kuku nest" kinda thing~ "you go mad and i'll join you?" She has been acting out and being totally crazy, selfish and displayed few of the most disgusting attitude and behavior i'd never seen before. Ya, i know, blame it on the evil, scheming and whatever (may he rot and burn in hell) dad...

I'm just so sick and tired of mom saying shit about me and throwing her temper on me as and when she likes and as and when she feels like it. I know i'm at fault, that's why i put up with it, i know i betrayed her, so i let her take it out cause i fucking deserve it. But there is a limit to everything. So ya, i betrayed her~ i DESERVE it... no doubt at all. So when is it gonna be "right"? is there even a day when it is "not right"?

Seriously, i don't want to drag people into this already tangled mess, and i allow fakes and hypocrites to continue being themselves without wanting to tear their faces and unfold the hardcore truths because i know it is gonna hurt more people and do nothing to help or ease the situation.

The divorce papers have been served, there is no way dad will recant his papers, and since mom was the one whom served him the blardy idiotic- serve no purpose court summons, then she opened the legal doors for him. Don't blame dad~ blame the moroons that encouraged her to do so... thinking it would intimidate dad into giving in~ MOROONS! if you know and understand what kind of person dad is... you would know, this is suicide. BUt of course, i'm not the "know-it-all" plus i'm the betrayal~ so whom am i to speak and advise? Oh well, i'll shut the fuck up.

Mom kept saying how much she don't want the divorce and how she wants this family back together (which she conveniently excluded me) while she is punching on the calculator calculating how much $$$ she will get or can get. So when it comes to this part, i find it hard to believe how much she "wants" a family instead of $$$$ or should i say, she wants BOTH.

honestly, i'm not to judge, i had been a cheater and been cheated on, so i know the underlying causes of people straying from a relationship and the pain of being cheated upon. So don't fucking tell me i don't understand...

Regardless the "pro-mom" or "pro-dad", to me, i keep my nose to myself and my classes are coming one after another. It is a mad race to graduation and despite most of the brainless moroons think, i don't really enjoy studying all that much. I miss working, i miss having to work and interact with sane people and not trapped at home with an insane one. I'm already a nut job, i'm already insane and unstable, so that makes two of us? hell no~ i ain't no want no "kuku" nest... i need a stable environment to grow, to focus and to function~ this place is FUCKED-UP!

ok, then i get to hear about how again, the same bunch of brainless moroons, and may i add selfish, barbaric, snobbish, "know-it-all", cancerous infection that complicates their moral values, and the list goes on and on~ the saying about how SHAMELESS the husband and i are living with my parents! OH WOW! i never knew that the sembawang retards had their own place ONCE they got married~ Hmmm... last i remembered they were like what? BROKE and couldn't find a job in SG? Wonder how long did they lived with THEIR parents before they finally got a house... Hmmm....

These bunch of retards are good at pointing their fingers and they obviously think that people will NOT remember where they came from and how they got to where they are today. I always thought that people remember their roots because that way, you'll remember the hardships you been thru and be able to sympathize and empathize with others of the similar plight. BUt i'm wrong~

ok, i'm really getting outta point here and a entry about V-day becomes some evil ranting and cursing about moroons and retards. Ya, that is the part people say about karma and retribution.

anyhow~

my day is considered "OVER" cause i'm just too tired to do anything though i'd done NOTHING! wow!!! haha, i guess i'm just finding excuses to be lazy and be wasted. But seriously, hell's breaking loose soon cause i have another class starting when i'm not even done for school violence, yes, juvenile deliquency is still sitting on my desk. So ya, in some way~ i'm rather fucked up now. I'm supposed to be done with school violence sometime back already. I fell way behind my schedule and i'd been using my family drama as an excuse for not doing the assignments. Now payback is a bitch. I totally had it coming...

While the husband is being making love to his stove, pots and pans~ i'll be just fine trying to stay sane and try not to kill anyone till he's home.

till the next post~

2011-02-11T13:17:00.002+08:00

Truths~ something we all want, something we often seek, something that will upset us if it is being distorted, something that will get us all furious if we don't get it.

Most of us want to be hardcore, telling ourselves that we are all ready for hard truths and that we want nothing but the bare truths, but indeed we are not as much of a hardcore as we like to think we are. Half of the time, we allow people to just "deceive" us with white lies, giving us "half" of the truths because deep down inside, we know we cannot, we don't like and we don't want to hear the hard truths. so we allow others to hide information from us, decieve us and then we'll get upset when we eventually find out the real "truth" because eventually lies get discovered, people give away or facts will show that a lie has been told.

when being confronted with truths, depending what kind of truth, we react differently~ for example, a cheating husband admits his secret affair to his wife, she's gonna flip, maybe slap him, yells and sceram divorce, or maybe she will take some time off, and try to work it out anyway keeping the marriage intact. A boss that knows that his staff took a medical leave for work because he was at a party till dawn and is having a hangover rather just believe that he is geniunely sick rather than just being irresponsible. a mother rather believe that her child is under bad influence of others to drink and smoke when the child is actually the one that influence others to drink and smoke.

My point is, when we are given hard truths, painful truths in life, we tend to deflect them, we push the blame, we point fingers, we pretend we don't know anything and pretend to be shocked.

it is a conflicting decision, be it to be the one lying or the one that is being lied to. The liar will worry about the truth being discovered, and the one that is being lied to will wonder if he/ she should confront with truths.

truths are bitter pills, no one likes them, teachers tell students to "try harder, the test is difficult" rather than saying "you're stupid and lazy" when they do badly for tests, doctors tell patients "you'll experience discomfort" rather than pain, parents tell their children that their date is "not suitable for them" rather than "i don't like them", husbands tells their wife that the dress is a little small rather than "you are fat". we sugar coat truths, we tell half-truths, we distort truths... and at the end of the day, what is truth?

maybe i'm perverted, but i like hardcore truths, i don't like it when people sugar coat truths, i don't like it when i find out "half-truth", and i especially hate it when people hide truths on the pretext of "protecting" me when it is actually the person that fears the consequences when the truth is out.

According to scientific research and studies, people lie almost at least twice a day and about 34% over the entire week of social interaction etc...

i guess my point is~ be it a liar or someone being lied to~
it is human instinct to lie, it is human instinct to prefer sugar coated truths... we would rather be the one lying to someone than to be the person someone lied to~
humans are selfish. It is easier to inflict pain on someone else than to have the pain inflicted on us...

this post is probaly some "moral" argument of lying and shit...

but my stand is still the same, i'm hardcore, i like hardcore truths into my face, to me, sugar coating truths, half truths, distorted truths are lies that undermine my personality and character. when i smell a lie, i will dig till i find the truth regardless is it gonna hurt or not. and yes, most of the time it hurts like hell~ but that's just me~ the way i like it to be...

what's yours?

2011-02-07T20:53:00.003+08:00

This is my 1194th entry since the day i first started a blog~

5 years ago, i barely knew how to operate a computer, i don't know what is RAM, what is Hard-disk, what is MotherBoard and the fucking difference it would make with different sound or video card... the only thing i knew, was to use Microsoft Words and excel...
Gradually i learnt after crashing maybe 2 CPU and 1 laptop...

NO ONE taught me EVER~ how to use a computer, how to operate the programs, how to customize the looks, desktop, how to add websites onto Favorites~ YA, i was that big of an idiot. 5 years ago, i didn't know what is MSN, i don't know what is a blog, i even find the idea of having a blog totally stupid and senseless, why would anyone write about their lives and put it online for everyone to read? Or rather, what makes you think that your life is so interesting that people will actually want to read?

I dunno... after keeping a blog for so long, i'd learnt to edit the html codings, customize the layout of my blog, change the skin of my blog, add gadgets and music etc... i'm kinda proud of myself honestly!

Remember how i used to spent hours just trying to adjust a column on the blog, or change the font of the blog and stuff... now~ it's just easy. i can change my blog-skin like less than 2 hours to completely customizing it to the way i want it.

Oh well, enough bragging that is just so... BORING!

So~ how's your CNY?

The entire week that started on the 1st Feb till 6th Feb, was not a mess, but not a jolly reunion season as well. Mood was low, tension was high... was more like just dragging through the week and hoping time would fly faster...

sometimes i feel that i'm losing the essence of blogging as i always tell myself that i should not filter contents so long they are the truths... but then ever since got people actually googled for U***N C****T, my blog comes up, i became more weary about what i should or should not, could or could not write. Not because i fear offending those monkeys (those that get flamed by me), but because i don't want a negative "image" for the company.

Every year during this festive period, i would be part of some reunion of some sort like any normal other people would be e.g; go visiting, dinners etc... but then me being me, i don't like such reunions because people seem fake all the time. They pretend to be concern and ask questions which they don't actually care for the answer, people pretend to smile and be nice in which other days they are not.

this whole "get together" "reunion" thingy is just a party of pretenders or a reason they should come together. Parents start asking about other people's kid regarding their school grades, career advancement, marriage, whom they are dating etc... seriously, which of the FUCK is your business?

Dunno, i never liked CNY, and i'm not sure if i ever will... maybe~ maybe one day when i have my own family (like with kids etc), i'll learn to appreciate such stuff, but i doubt i will like it when some idiot come pinch my children on their cheeks saying they are cute (they are not fucking monkeys in the zoo you idiot)~ or pretend to ask about their grades when all they want is to compare and brag about theirs (if better, or brag still if worse).

The whole spirit of the CNY is gone~ relatives you don't fucking meet or even remember suddenly is all warm, nice and friendly~ *YUCKS* It used to be the "ang pow" craze you know~ all about the $$$ we get in the red packet, from young, we would recognize who are the relatives that will be a tad more generous in giving, and who are the idiots that stinge~ and then you realize, when you were a kid (12 and below), you are getting $X from this relative, 10 years later (if you are still single, not married and shamelessly getting ang pows), you will realize that it is still the same $X from that relative... then you go "WTF"... the designs on the ang pow gets prettier every year, but the content inside shrink every year too~ at some point i wonder, if eventually it will just become an empty ang pow because it is just merely for the festive significance?

i'm being too critical and cynical about CNY~ perhaps because i really don't enjoy it, don't like it and don't want to be part of it. CUZ IT FUCKING SUCKS!

miss those days that i actually have to work on the eve of the CNY and the second day of CNY... i find it entertaining to see how people pretend to be nice, observe their behavior, their body language etc... its fun... haha...

anyway~ i'm glad that it is "over" and everyone is back at work, life resume back to the slogging your ass off and bitch about not having enough rest or vacation time. I prefer life and times like this because i CANNOT function with people around me, (ya, i'm talking about the husband)... he's harmless i know~ he just sits there and watch TV, but i just cannot~ CANNOT fucking concentrate and do anything, so i ended up doing nothing. Trust me when i say i'm glad he's back at work~ PHEW!!! MUAHAHAHAH.....

ya, i know, i'm one odd ball and probably very dark and twisted, loner and maybe even autistic, but i function and think when i'm alone, i can't do that in the company of any other human being (especially "live" ones), that's just how i roll man~ that's me!

blah, enough of ramblings (that's because i got more crap but cannot or rather not as yet appropriate to post), but this entry will do for now~
i'm like stalling time till i take my meds and start drifting into a possible (usually not possible) dreamland~

woke up at 5++am this morning, haven't had a nap or shit, so i'm hoping i can rest better tonight...

oh well, whatever~

till the next post guys~

2011-01-31T19:09:00.002+08:00

Been another "while" since i'd last updated... oh well, basically my life have been rather very much the same. It is either school, work or family. But i guess that's everyone's life as well.

Over the days, i've been trying to focus and get my assignments done as well as other work that comes along the way. Just want to get through my day, accomplish as much as i can.

Over these few months, or should i say since 2009, i'd been through a lot of things that makes me question things, people and life~ and my only bet that can get me a real sense of confidence and achievements is mostly on my work and school work. I am by far blessed to do considerably well for my academic papers and i guess that is one of the BEST reason why i should continue to focus and get it done.

Family wise, drama, drama and more drama. But the real deal would be what is gonna happen during this CNY~ cuz i have no freaking idea what will or will not happen.

honestly, besides the passion for my academic papers and achivements, i'm half dead to the rest of it. Maybe it is just a passing phase of yet ANOTHER depressive episode, but i'm really cold to a lot of stuff now...

somethings i have been trying, investing effort, time and patience, but i don't like being the meat between the buns, and i am surely not enjoying having to pacify people and "counsel" them how to be forgiving and be grown ups.

It is often easy to just magify the mistakes and flaws of others and forget that ONCE UPON A TIME, you were just as bad and you were making grave mistakes like they are now.

we often say it is not the destination but the journey in life that we should appreciate, but also DO NOT FORGET where you'd come from and what you'd done.

Making mistakes is about learning from them, not wipe it clean then turn around and criticize others and think how high and holy you are. You were once begging for forgiveness too~ remember that.

i kinda stopped looking forward to stuff... now, all i care about is my academic work and how to speed up to graduation and my path AFTER graduation. I'm not sure yet where i'll go or what i'll do... i'm still thinking.

house or no house, saraca or lompang~ honestly, it feels the same for me now...
i think home is where the heart lies and at this moment, my heart lies within myself. in my heart, is where i find peace, the joy and serenity of my own "home"... not having to share it with anyone or put up with anyone's face or attitude...

I am not sure am i overly independent so i don't expect to rely on others to care for me, or do i actually know that people around me that that are supposed to "care" for me are not half as reliable as what i hope them to be?

conflicted...

oh well, as the title of my blog says "Frustrations & Complications are my life"...

it left out "conflicted" too~

2011-01-21T17:21:00.002+08:00

Dear All~ If you realize, the chat-box that i used to have ---> is gone. the spam messages annoys me real bad and there is nothing i can do to stop it, so it's gone.

Alternatively, if you got comments, remarks please use the "comment" link at the end of each post. I do not moderate the comments, so if you want to say shit, also fine with me, but please~ have the guts to use your name

2011-01-21T11:47:00.004+08:00

OMG~ now then i realized it'd been a week since my last update~ What the hell was i busy with???

Firstly~ it was work... damn, was doing all the work at the flora shop so nothing gets held back, but his year i got smarter~ keke, i formated the greeting messages to be printed on the cards itself (so i won't have to put my horrible handwriting- especially chinese) onto the card that spoils it all. Then i used labels to print out the names and stuff... save me tons of manual work. So yup~ it is ALL DONE! so my guys can arrange their own time to have them delivered.

Sunday went by in a blink... seafood dinner with the husband, we each ordered a crab as he prefered the "salted egg" and i prefer black pepper. The crab was about 1kg each~ the husband finished his, but i was too full to finish mine~ so wasted. We then went to Bugis stroll around etc... nothing much. We went cold storage and bought the can-rambutans! kekeke... came home, added ice and cold water! damn shiok!

Monday, Amy, David and i (hubby couldn't join cuz he got a meeting to attend), went to the Thai store where the Thai Master flew in for a short while, David and Amy each got their blessing done and for me~ erm, hmmmp.... fine~ i got another tatoo. I went there without the thoughts of having more tatoos, but this just look fine onto of what i already have~ so what the hell? got it done in less than 15mins~

David was late picking baby up, so he dropped Amy and I at the flora shop and we cabbed down to Toa Payoh cuz Amy needed to buy vegetarian food for dinner. Shared a cab and went home.

Tuesday
David came over to meet me for lunch cuz the husband ain't free~ we went hougang for vegetarian... then we went to the flora shop again then there was still some time before he has to go pick baby up, we went for coffee at Novena~ haha, i haven't had such coffee for so long! Miss those days... "can i have a regular cafe latte?"
walked around the mall~ nothing much. Went home and i thought it would be a good time to fix up my new desktop~ so then i spent the rest of the evening fixing up the computer, then so happened a case came my way~ so then i was busy attending to the case and i had to leave the rest of the computer configurations for the next day~

Wednesday
woke up like 8.30am~ and couldn't fall back to sleep... so might as well just wake up and started my day with my usual coffee~
then i begin to configure my computer, download programs and drivers cuz most of the existing drivers i have for my printer etc... does not work with windows 7! damn...

Thursday
can't remember what i did... hahaha....
oh, the regular monthly follow-up visit to the doctor~ spent quite a while talking and stuff... so no, my dosage of the medication remains the same for now.

Today~
i'm gonna shower and read through some notes, then i'll probably go down to sit for my School Violence Mid-Term paper. More or less i already know what i'm gonna write but just to be safe~ revise a bit more.

So fast, weekend liaoz~ consider rather productive despite all the distractions and annoyance~

family drama hit a new "high" and i'm just so sick and tired of all these crap~ the blardy retards that think they know it all, "pro-mom"... totally idiotic and stupid~ only these group of "i know it all smarties" would "teach" mom what to do~ kaoz! can't they just keep their nose to themselves and let the "involved" parties to sort it out themselves? you think your extra vote will what? Earn you more $$$ huh? ya, even if so, i won't be surprised~ if you were to grow a brain, you would know that what you monkeys are "teaching" mom is not helpping but digging a bigger grave~ then again, i'm the "pro-dad" right?

at least i keep my nose to myself rather than poking here and there, giving retarded advices thinking "i know it all"...

with all the recent drama that i'd witness and been through, i realize there is a common factor in all these people... all they want is $$$$ and no amount of $$$ would satisfy them. All they want is more~ and more, and more~ if they can take all of it, they would.

oh well, whatever~ i'm just gonna focus on my own live, do my own stuff, take care of my own shit and just ignore all these crap~ too much negative vibes, not good for my health.

gotta end this post here, need to get the rest of my day going~

ya, i know, i'm bitching a lot~ so let me be... remember, this MY BLOG~

2011-01-16T12:40:00.002+08:00

there are so much stuff on my mind right now, but i don't know how and what to write.

This entire week has been a mad week, all the work that keeps flooding in, my struggles to find the right material for research for my assignments, to find time and determination to get things done~ now i feel nothing but fatigue.

suddenly a lot of things do not appeal to me~ no more music, no more "happy food", no more retail therapy~ not that i'm depressed but more like music become noise and distraction, no time to sit down for happy food and of course no money and mood for retail therapy.

I've got a new PC which has been sitting on the floor for almost a week and i have no time, no mood and no effort to want to install it. All these just seem like a chore

There is no spirit or feeling of the Lunar New Year~ just like yet another public holiday... the perhaps good thing i'm anticipating for is to finish up all the delivery orders for the CNY hampers and then i'll have more time to focus on my school work and the mad-dash to graduation.

oh well, whatever it is~
i just wanna get through my day, keep my head above the water...

A week just flashed by while i'm engrossed with work~ just hope that i'll be this productive even after the holidays~

it feels like a lazy sunday cuz i'm still very tired and my eyes can barely open, but i need to start working on the 7th assignment, i really want to get this class done and over with.

tired~ brain-dead... whatever~

2011-01-12T18:55:00.003+08:00

been almost a week since my last up-date~
well, besides being totally swamped at work~ running from places to places, going back and forth on the same high-way... basically i'm moving non-stop~

my work can be so fulfilling but depressing at the same time~
and because we deal with so many religions, my staff actually said "now he also dunno what to believe"~ because they all preach the same good but different methods, different priciples etc... and each have their own sayings~ so it can get really confusing even if it is the same religion but different denominations.

Anyway, perhaps it comes with age, i'm gradually more less emotionally invested in work~ i still remember how it used to affect me that i'll end up teary eyed at the cremation hall~ that was sooooo embarrassing...

now i'm trying to cope with work and studies~ so in-between i really have little or no rest time~ used to be able to pace it out slow and steady~ but now i don't have that luxury...

not much time for TV or music~

these days i simply shower, take a smoke and crash flat~ only to wake up at 6am~ haiz...

blah, i'm rambling rubbish cuz i don't really know what to say~

its already the mid of January 2011~ can time go a bit slower!!!!
geez~

Speaking of which~ the lunar chinese new year is just about 2 weeks away...
haiz...

time flies~ only if my speed of completing my assignments are just as fast~

"yawns"

till the next post~

2011-01-08T12:08:00.002+08:00

its been a long week for me~
all the rush to finish the work, all the preparation for my mid-term exam and the assignments that i need to do~
i still have about 6 assignments and 2 exams to do~
Though the assignments and course itself is not dry and horrible, but it just seem to difficult to attempt the assignments~ apparently i'm not alone cause according to my school co-ordinators, most of the folks that is doing the same subject as me are still struggling with the first few assignments, and i'm the first to request the exam~ not sure if i should be proud about it.

Work is more or less done with... guess it comes with experience, managed to close the accounts without much problems unlike last last year, last year when i was literally pulling my hair while trying to close the accounts~ now i'm more experienced and numbers started to make sense.

Family~ nothing much to say~
all else is the same... complicated, frustrated and just painful...
i'm just pulling through, making through day by day without having to think too much about it.

My wrist is sore and pain due to all the writing that i'd been doing to prepare for the assignments and exams~ the mid-term paper requires me to write a minimum 4-paged hand written paper within an hour, and the final term paper requires me to write a minimum 6-paged hand written paper within two hours~

i'm not that worried about how to tackle the question, but more like if my hand is gonna snap and break after finishing the paper. It specifically states No Laptop and MUST be hand-written... crap~

Honestly, i do wish to see the doctor about the pain, do the necessary scans and stuff but i fear the consequences. Last few surgeries left me in pain, misery and a whole lot of depression because i can't use my hand and there are so many things i cannot do. Literally handicapped~ so i really don't want to go through that again~

now that i'm dealing with the last few classes to graduation, i don't want anything, anyone or whatsoever to delay it further. Been waiting for this day to come for a long long time. So i really just want to be able to push through the pain and get these done with before considering any medical treatment.

the first week of January is almost over, and it already felt grilling and sucky~
that's probably why i never really feel excited about a New Year because things don't just change because it is a New Year, it simply only gives you hope that it will~ but truth is it won't.

So far, January 2011 feels dark and cloudy... why am i not surprised...

just wanna get through my day...

trying~ i'm really trying...

2011-01-06T10:33:00.002+08:00

its a cosy morning~ and it is quite unusual for me to blog this early during the day~
oh well... lately i'm changing my "lifestyle" and my sleeping hours.

From the beginning of January, the husband is working split shit meaning he has a few hours of break in-between and he came back to meet me for lunch before heading back to work. though i'm not so used to it, cause it meant regular eating hours~ but now i'm more or less okay with it. Ya, i know~ its a really sweet gesture but you can't blame me cuz i have not had regular meals for a very long time!

next up, though most folks started work on the 4th Jan, i was already swamped with work and working non-stop since 1st Jan... suddenly there are just so many work to do and almost 3/4 of it are on urgent basis~ damn! i remembered clearing the pile of work on my desk BEFORE the festive holiday, and suddenly my table is full again! But thankfully, i've got most of it done with, except waiting for some documents for me to close the account for the flora shop for year 2010.

School~
this is exciting... i'm excited~
On the 4th, i went down to Arium to collect my study package for Juvenile Deliquency~ and i browsed through the study guide~ Muahahah... only 5 written assignment, BUT~ 3 exams which are in the format of multiple choice! shouldn't be too difficult to deal with, but the assignment is a little bit tacky cuz the lecturer's requirement is rather special, haven't really seen something like that before. For example: i need not adhere to a particular academic writing style such as APA or AMA, and since i'm only allowed to use the textbook, no bibliography is needed. and the one that caught my attention was: Avoid Opinion. Usually most of my past lecturers expects some opinion or stuff, but this guy is saying AVOID it~ oh well, cool... works for me~ so i won't have to think much. Hahaha....

Not trying to boast, but i think i should take about 2 months to finish the entire subject.

my school violence~ making progress leh! finished assignment 6 (finally), and is now preparing for my mid-term exam. browsed through the remaining essays, don't seem all that difficult~ in fact, all the assignments ain't that difficult, but i don't know why it took me so long to do it. But according to my school, i'm still the first to request for the exam and i'm still way ahead from the rest of my class whom some are still stucked at assignment 2.

Not counting School Violence and Juvenile Deliquency, i'm only left with 4 classes then i'm applying to graduate~ actually my school already pressed me to file for graduation~ this is so exciting and it actually gives me butterflies in my stomach! i mean, all these while i'm thinking when can i actually graduate and everyone around me has been asking me... and i'm seeing it happening now. Just 4 more to go~ and i'm done! Though i'm not sure if these 4 are gonna be a headache, but at least it is only 4~ if i can keep my pace and focus, i should be able to officially graduate by May~ hopefully in-time to be a wonderful present for my birthday!!!!

family wise~
erm... still as complicated?
i'm just tired of repeating what i've said over and over again~
so i'd learnt to just shut up and not be bothered.
its not my fight, i have no say~ so just shut up.

blah~ that's about all for now.

oh well, it is only 11am now... so i still have a long day to go~
hopefully i can be a little more efficient and see if i can finish my exam preparation and start on the 7th assignment as well.

you all have a nice week ahead!

2011-01-01T12:46:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year to all!!!
Hope you guys had a blasting good time last night.

Nah, i didn't go anywhere at all for the whole day.
I did my usual stuff of work, and lazed the rest of the evening away by playing mahjong on my iPod touch~ hahaha...

I had instant noodles for lunch, then hubby bought chicken nuggets from Mac and snacked a bit! Guess the arrival of 2011 doesn't hold much significance to both of us cuz we were just slacking and went to bed~

Of course, being the usual me, i would spend some time looking back at the entire 2010 and no doubt it had been a amazingly dramatic one.

just to recall a few, family drama and the legal battle for the house at Lompang.
Both events took a toll on me both physically and mentally.
Physically is my irregular eating habits because i'm too stressed and i lost all my appetite for my usual favorite food and others just look less appealing to me. So i ended up not eating at all. Mentally~ it was hard not to break down... in fact, i did break down a couple of times. For someone whom is Bipolar~ these dramatic events caused quite a stir on my emotions and it is just so difficult to stay sane and not give up.

Another thing that was really "special" was that I had to learn to share my space and learn to disccuss matters before just deciding on some stuff. Of course i'm talking about the husband. When he came over to stay last year when i was at Portland, little did i know this stay was for long and till today. dun get me wrong, i'm not saying that i don't want to live with him, but i'd been having my own space for so long, staying up in my room with jazz and wine, leaving the tv on as i fall asleep~ it was weird to have someone else in my room and my sleeping routine has to change because the husband got work the next day.

Then learning how to discuss matters before taking it into my own hands~ that was another challenge. Sometimes even though i know what would he say, i still try to just discuss with him and make the decision together. I mean that's what couples do right? I'm still learning~

2010 hasn't been all that fantastic, and i'm seriously glad that it is over and the new year has began. I have lots of anticipation for 2011...
first up~ to settle the legal battle for the house and officially move in
~to finish my remaining classes and to graduate (with honors i hope)
~to find a job and join the workforce
~to stay happy, sane and hopefully decrease the dosage of my medications

but nonetheless, i wanna thank everyone for what they have done for me all these while, being there for me to listen, help and just be there~
i guess you all made the difficult a lot easier with all that you have done.

No, i'm not going anywhere today~
honestly, since the lousy yucky Xmas, i'm sort of NOT wanting to celebrate any festive...
what's the point of getting into the holiday mood and have someone to ruin it?
so no expectations, no disappointments~
holidays are days meant to spend with loved ones and family~ but putting these "excuses" aside, they are just days on a calendar.

i have my fair share of disappointment, pain, anger, frustrations and i hope all these can be of a less occurance than it was~ asking it to be all gone is kinda silly~

anywayz,
i'm gonna throw out a lot of stuff later, i did the first round of packing already, so now just gonna browse through and see what else i can toss~

you guys have a wonderful weekend and an awesome year ahead!
love you all so much!

2010-12-31T22:51:00.004+08:00

You're Not Sorry

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

2010-12-27T21:39:00.002+08:00

i have actually put in a lot of thoughts before i decided to write anything here... erm, no~ not that i'm afraid of people reading but more like i hope to make sense of what i'm writing.

So, how's the holiday for you guys?
Mine was so FREAKING EVENTFUL- in a BAD way...

dispite my effort to make this "local" holiday festive a interesting one... heaven find ways to kill my joy or should i say... lepords will never change its spots?

On the Eve of Xmas, Amy and I went for a delightful dinner at a chinese restaurant that serves some of her favorite dish, and after which we strolled down to Raffles city and walked around, but to my surpise, some of the shops are actually closed for the festive. So it was about 9.30pm we decided to stroll back to the hotel where i parked my car and since it was early, we decided to hit the "gravity bar" at the hotel, we ordered tea and enjoyed the "live" band that played oldies and country music... it was when i went for a smoking break that my stomach decided to act out on me and party inside... damn~ i went to the toilet like at least 4times within an hour... then the spasam came and the pain was terrible. I knew that i won't be able to make it home and take the meds and i also know with that kind of pain, only an injection will save me. So i decided to drive to Raffles Hospital- the 24hr walk-in clinic and yup~ i got the injection right on the stroke of 12~ damn it! but it was a relieve as the pain went off almost like instantly.

So anywayz, the husband drove down to the hospital from work and seeing me ok, he left and i drove Amy home. Then Ms. Amy decided to throw a temper, saying stuff like "oh Lind will be so happy to know that you got sick on your very first Xmas with me, and this won't have happened if you were in Portland" that pissed me off real bad. I mean, i knew my eating habits will eventually get me into this pain but i didn't expect it to be on the eve of xmas. apparently, amy is more concerned about what OTHERS think than what i feel...

so that aside,

the next day she came over and we were okay at first, then Junwen called me and wished me merry xmas, and i told him about me getting a jab in my ass then we hang up cuz i was driving- trying to figure out the short-cuts from Bugis over to Orchard. Then when we got to the restaurant and sat down, i saw a text from Junwen and the text wrote "girl, take care, jun sayang..." and amy tan flipped and started mumbling shit and threw a temper that i have no fucking idea why~ so i guess she CANNOT allow anyone to say anything that suggest any kind of itimacy with me... damn, i have been saying "I love you(s)" to so many people... so i must be one big slut right?

i was really annoyed by both what happened on the eve and the day itself, so after dinner, it started to rain and i just can't take it anymore so i drove her home despite our initial plan to go shopping.

Sunday~
my tummy still ain't well... went to run some errands with the husband and got home while hubby went for dinner with his co-workers...

seriously, when i was gloomy about spending holiday festive in SG is because i fear family drama and i dunno what to expect, but little did i know that it would be the very person i celebrate with to ruined it...

this is a serious disappointment and i'm really upset and sore about it.
to think i invested so much thoughts on where to go, what to do and how i even thought of getting the instant camera to take pictures so we can put them into a scrap book... FUCK~ FUCKED UP!

anywayz, this week, i wanna finish up the paper work at BOTH office and close the accounts for this calendar year. 2011 will be a crucial year for me to finish up my class and get my fucking ass on the graduation line...

it is nothing new that my family is stressing me on my graduation date, seriously, they think what i'm studying is fun huh? i enjoy slacking at home when i'm drooling at people who actually holds a job? i miss working in the F&B industry, i miss the crazy hours and annoying customers... i miss the kitchen and i miss yelling at my crew during peak hours~ and it is now that i realize my parents still have NO FUCKING idea what i am studying about...

this is a sucky year, and i can't wait to get it over...

everything sucks!

2010-12-23T23:04:00.003+08:00

i have been kinda dragging to post an update~ maybe i feel that if i don't put it down in words, it doesn't feel real~
oh, i'm probably blowing this out of proportion but it just feels so different feeling the festive without the actual festive.
okay, i got you lost... what i'm trying to say is that the spirit of Xmas is really weak here in SG. I have been to malls and i noticed how people were shopping and buying gifts for the sake of buying and especially with the price at a huge discount. To me, buying gifts for people is a very delicate process. First, you have to know what you want to get for each individual, and then hunt for it, trust your taste then hopefully they will like it. Gifts are not just decorations under the tree, they are filled with thoughts and love and not to be taken lightly. So when i see people grabbing discounted stuff like 10 at a go, i know they are not buying with the thoughts of love but more like "something to give better than nothing"

Don't get me wrong~ i'm not judging... especially when your workplace has this "gift exchange" thingy and you're supposed to get something within a certain budget~ you end up getting all sorts of crap... haha~

oh well...

i haven't really got anything during this period of time~ and i'm not expecting to... giving out gifts is what i want to do, and their "thank you" and appreciation is all i can ask for~ every gift i chose is with thoughts of love... and so i hope everyone is happy with what they got. Don't measure them by the dollar value, but the practicality of the gift.

But i have received some early gifts way before the festive~
Amy got me the 64GB iPod Touch
Hubby got me the BlackBerry Torch (actually i chose it and he paid for it)
JunWen got me Crabtree and Evelyn Hand Lotion and Shower Gel
David took me out for a nice meal
i'm still waiting for Scott's and Lind's... Hahaha...

Like i'd said, it is not about what i receive in the end~
all their smiles are good enough for me.

Tmr is Xmas Eve, and i bet all the restaurants will be flooded and packed, all the festive menu and insanely expensive stuff especially catered for this festive. So Amy and I have not decided what to have for dinner tomorrow, but the plan would be an early dinner then some shopping. Though there is nothing else i need or want to buy, i'm also too broke to buy... hahaha...

I know the MIzars will have a blasting good time, and i would truly really wish to be there...
well, there is always a next time!

so... we'll see how it goes bah!

Xmas day itself we gonna have dinner at Akashi but have no idea how to spend the day till dinner time...
so anywayz, regardless where i am, my thoughts and love are spread all across 8000 miles to my love ones at Portland.

The husband will be working, so i can't do much with him~
maybe i'll buy a log-cake and share with him...
see how it goes bah~

wishing everyone a happy festive, wonderful 2011 to come...

love you!

2010-12-17T13:08:00.002+08:00

yooo hoooo~
i think my tagbox ---> has been spammed~
but nvm~ not like it bothers me or anything.

over the week as i'd mentioned previously, i met up with Amy to go dinner and shopping~ we went Akashi again and ate the Foie Gras... =.="""
then we drove down to Takashimaya and did our Christmas shopping there~
the crowd wasn't too bad~ maybe because people are more spread out due to the several new malls that opened...

The traffic was bad~ i think people are slowing down to appreciate the Christmas Deco along the road so we were moving like turtles, but~ once in a while, i can still tolerate it without throwing out valuarities~ hahaha...

Anyway, time flies, this weekend is the 1st year wedding anniversary for me and the husband~ in case you are wondering what i got for him... i got him a super expensive made in japan 8" classic chef knife~ that idiot, apparently he was drooling for it the first time we saw the display at the store, but he was reluctant to spend so much on a blardy knife~ so being the THOUGHFUL me~ (kekeke) i went to got it for him~ and apparently he seem to like this particular gift over the others i got him previously (a mont blac wallet and the iPhone 4 and the armani watch)... chey~ if i'd known he liked the knife so much, i would have slowly bought piece by piece to make it a set~

all that aside~

i have not been making progress at my school work~ dunno why, can't seem to find the motivation, the concentration to sit down and read it through~ i mean i already got the papers printed out and stuff, just need to read and write up the essay, but i couldn't. This particular subject has broken the record for myself~ usually i would take up to 3mths the most to finish one suject, but for this, its coming to 4~ and i'm still suck at assignment 6~ there are like another 8 more assignments to go of which 2 are examination papers~ damn!

no, it has nothing to do with the holiday mood~ its really just me~
there seem to be a lot on my mind... but i can't pinpoint to what exactly~ just random thoughts and stuff come and go. But i do know, i have to finish this subject as soon as i can because after the new year, there will be more subjects coming in~ and if i don't speed up, i doubt i'll ever graduate~

like i'd said, there are too many things on my mind and i'm just so tired and worn out while not doing much.

aarrrggghhhhh~

ok, seriously, i need to start reading... hopefully i can finish the 6th assignment and submit it for grading BEFORE my lecturer before the festive~ won't be so nice to submit my work and expect her to grade it while its a holiday~

okie dokie...
gotta go~

2010-12-11T12:20:00.002+08:00

hey there~

these few days i've been feeling like crap~
no matter how much i sleep, i will wake up the next day feeling totally unrested and super tired. All the nightmares, gruesome and fearful and exceptionally graphic and vivid hunts me even after i wake up... I have been doing research on why i'm consistently having nightmares, but no theory seem to fit~ then i thought, "oh maybe its a brain tumor"... which i know is totally B.S. But then how am i supposed to explain for my nightmares? I have no idea~ maybe it is all the stress i'm facing~ the clock ticking away for my assignments, the family drama and the house thingy...

Over the week, i have done my research for my assignment and have filed them nicely~ the only few things left is to read the papers, draft the essay and finally DO the essay. Work wise... the usual lor~ nothing much.

Just to update you guys on the "house thingy"...
i called my lawyer on thursday and he said that he is not going to pressure the other side because they longer they take to write to the judge, the less credible they are... then another thing was that my lawyer is going away from the 22nd to 30th and so if we pressure them now, the court date comes back in late Dec. he would have to write in to adjorn the case as well. So i asked him what are the chances of having everything settled before Chinese New Year... he deflected and said something like the paper work will take 4- 6weeks... so basically is a NO lar~ wah lau...

What happened is that the other party (i try to refrain from calling her names), insist that the government grant of $40K given to the house, she is entitled to HALF which is $20K~ BUT~ the benefit is given to ONLY SINGAPORE CITIZEN! she is a freaking PR, and only got her status AFTER the house was purchased!!!!! WTF!!!! seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her???? gawd, i so feel like slaping her waking her up from her money grabbing mindset~ geez...

i'm seriously getting really sick of this legal thingy~ it has been dragging on for a year already and it still seem to be getting nowhere. That woman claimed "total unjust" that the husband get to "pocket" the $40K grant when it was legally given to a Singapore Citizen, so what happens to all these while we were staying out when she happily occupies the entire house? If calculating on rent, based on the average of $1500 per month, we already spent $18K on housing, so who is going to compensate US?

so basically she not only screwed my Xmas, she screwed my Chinese New Year and Valentines and ALL the festives TILL this matter is resolved~
i keep telling myself there will be retribution~ what goes around comes around~ but how much more positive thing can i tell myself before i totally breakdown and give up?

I thought, okay, i'm not going back to Portland for Christmas, i'm giving up something BIG~ so perhaps something nice will happen, doesn't have to be big and significant, but just something~ you know? just something positive to remind me that while i'm in the spirit of giving, can someone be nice and gimme something? i'm not talking about material stuff larh! ai yo~ nvm... if you don't make sense of what i'm saying, then its ok~

anyway, it is saturday already... the husband will be off tomorrow and the usual grocery shopping etc... and i think mom would be returning from her Taiwan trip too... sianz~

just feeling really grey and not nice~
so edgy and moody...
so restless and tired...

Amy and i are meeting up later to go for dinner then some shopping~ yucks! hate the crowd... oh watever... just go lor...

u guys have a great weekend~

Far From Home- Five Finger Death Punch

2010-12-10T16:56:00.002+08:00

Far From Home Five Finger Death Punch

Another day in this carnival of souls
Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows; ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home

And it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything
To keep me out

All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home

Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
To break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
To keep me out

Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
To break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything
To break me down
To break me down

To break me down
Your heavens trying everything
Your heavens trying everything
To break me... down

2010-12-07T17:00:00.002+08:00

actually i wanted to update my blog for like since sunday night, but then i was busy and tired and yesterday (monday) was equally busy and mad~ today, i'd just cleared the pile of paper work and accounts for the flora shop.

Sunday~
the husband and i drove down to TripleOne for Applebees~
the menu is exactly the same as the ones in States, but the price~ made me go "WOAH" in a bad way. It was kinda pricy and it didn't taste all that fantastic especially the wings... sad~ it was dry and over-fried. Though the steak was still rather good and gosh~ the mashed potato!!! OMG!!! still as good!

After TripleOne, we drove all the way down to Jurong Point- NTUC~
the mega super big and crowded NTUC~
I wanted to go to the one at Jurong Point because Singpost was opened and i needed to get the boxes to pack the stuff i got from NTUC so it can all be delivered to my loves in States.

Singpost wasn't all that packed~ so it was okay,
the part that i almost fainted was at the NTUC~ gosh! where did all these people come from!!!! it was crowded, very crowded, guess sunday is grocery shopping day~ but of course, i got annoyed by the inconsiderate arse that blocks the entire shelf and idiots whom just like to stop in the middle between the shelves~ wah lau, i dunno screamed "excuse me" how many times. But luckly, i got all i want (EXCEPT) for the instant cup porridge~ damn! it was funny cuz it is just the instant cup porridge that is no where to be seen~ so fine, we paid and left.

Then the hunt for instant cup porridge began~
we went to couple of stores and grab whatever they have on the shelves and of course, that brings us all the "weird" and "WTH" look from people behind us, erm~ actually should be behind the husband cuz i waited in the car so we don't have to park and pay~ i think he was super embarrassed! LOL!

it was a mad dash cuz after which we went to his parent's for a while and rushed back to pick bro up for dinner at Changi Village~
the food was good except the fish was kinda stale but the store owner cancelled the order after we complained.

Home~ then it was the mad packing... squeezing everything into a tiny box, then i realized one of the box won't fit, and so the husband improvised using the big box and cutting them into the size we want~ that kinda got me impressed! hehehe...

finally, all packing done and after watching a few episode of the hongkong drama~ we called it a night.

Monday~
geez...
i set the alarm to wake up at 9.30, but only dragged my fat ass out of the bed at 10, went to shower up and changed, then waking the husband up. We went to Singpost to send the parcel and the queue was short but only 1 staff working the counter... so it was quite a wait. Blah blah blah, got it done and i officially declared bankrupt after leaving Singpost coz the shipping was blardy insane!!!!

went Joo Chiat for my favorite prawn mee before going down to ICA to collect my new passport~ this is another annoying part cuz when i renewed the passport, i was like "wah, new passport for Xmas", then i realized i couldn't make it for Xmas, so the new passport felt like salt on raw wound!

Chop chop and done, went to collect my paper work etc... run some errands and got home at around 3++, super tired plus a bad migraine! super moody and edgy~
the husband left for work at 5 and i stayed in my room just slacking.

RIGHT NOW~
i'd just cleared all the work (no, not school work) and bro just called saying he's buying dinner for me! kekeke...

"BURP"... had dumplings noodles~ nice!
it looks rainy outside and my bed screams "come to me"...
geez~

looks like school work will be tomorrow...

ya, i'm lazy~ i know... hehe...

oh~ have you ever look back and dig for oldies? i was kinda going old-school digging through my almost 700 CD collection for oldies... there are some songs that speaks to us at some point of our life, and i have tons of songs that speaks to me all the time~ but there are also some songs that no matter how many times you repeat them, they will always sound that good~

music is part of my life, and i believe my life would be more dark and twisted if not for music...

yada yada yada...

2 more weeks to Christmas~ No, i'm not better, still edgy and grouchy for not getting my winter christmas~ i'll get better eventually. Even though i am not gonna be able to be there physically, i'm glad that i can at least buy stuff and send it to them with all my love and thoughts~

people say Christmas is the season to give, actually i think giving should be a everyday thing, you don't need a particular season or festive to do so, BUT Christmas probably means you gotta give a little more~

okie, gotta go on and do some other stuff...

till the next post~
you guys have a great week!

2010-12-05T09:08:00.002+08:00

This is so not right...

it is a blardy sunday and i'm awake since 7.30am! WTF!!!
i tried to go back to sleep but i just couldn't! Seriously, my biological clock is so not right!

So i decided to go down make myself a cup of coffee, wanted to read the papers but my eyes are too tired, ya~ eyes only... my brain is overly active.
And ever since the husband said that i'm ALWAYS the one that sleeps in late on Sundays, it subconsciously reminds me to wake up earlier than him, so perhaps why i wake up way early on sundays than the other days... =.="""

yesterday, i was planning to watch Harry Potter on my own when bro suggested dinner together, so we went to Botak Jones and i settled for the over sized hot-dog that actually covers the entire bun (you can't see the bun at all), and then home!

Wednesday, Junwen and I met up at Doby Gaught and blardy hell, i got lost again! First was me trying to find the right platform to board the train towards Orchard, then when i got to Doby Gaught, got lost while trying to find my way to Plaza Sing~ Damn! I was too embarrassed to ask for directions so i went in circles looking for the signboards pointing to the exit! Finally i got to Plaza Sing and the beef chilli fries at Carl's tempted me... went in, ordered, got a table and my fries, realized it wasn't half as good as before~ DISAPPOINTED!

We then walked over to Novus for ceasar salad and pasta~ nice! it was raining, so the Al Fresco dinning was closed and we thought they closed the entire dining~ but they didn't... haha, so we sat at the sheltered and yum yum!

The funny thing was, the husband came out in his uniform and sat with us eating and talking, then went off to change into his own clothes, Junwen's jaw kinda dropped! Haha, because he felt that the husband looked TOO different in uniform and NOT in uniform... LOL!!!

Then on thursday, Amy and I met up and we went for dinner at Akashi~ apparently she is craving for the JAPANESE tomato, sweet potato and now, the foie gras with sea urchin sushi... LOL!!! but i think we ordered too much, was overly bloated after the diner~

before dinner, we went to Ion because of this store http://www.kikki.k.com and bought my new dairy for the year~ there were a lot of nice stationaries but its insanely expensive too~ that's why i only left with the diary~ I know it sounds stupid that i use a BlackBerry but yet i prefer to use a dairy... its just easier that way you know? one flip you can see the entire schedule and i get to decorate it with lots of cute post-it, highlighting the dates with different colors that represent public holidays and birthdays and it all makes it look colorful and nice~ but being the annal me, i will still jot it down on my BlackBerry set with reminding alarms... Ok~ i admit, i'm still lingering over their cool stationaries and stuff... perhaps i'll go back next week or something? HAHAH~

I realize there is this sudden fashion of having sleek looking stationaries and journals and dairies~ there are competitive companies like "Prints", "Kikki", "Muji", "ArtBox" and now the new "Urban Write"- (by Popular bookstore), you get to choose from a whole wide range of colors, design and find something you truly like and want~ lucky, i found mine...

Every year when i buy a new dairy, i anticipate for a lot of good stuff to happen and that the dairy will be filled with happy notes~ but each year goes by with shitty stuff and now i'm weary of what's gonna happen in 2011~ sigh~ talking about being paranoid, all dark and twisted!

Oh well, it is FINALLY 10am, and i'm gonna hit the showers, and wake the husband up cuz we got quite a bit of errands to run today and we're meeting bro for dinner tonight at Changi Village for Sting Ray and yeh... the "dua tao", "lala" and "sambal kangkong"!!! Weee...

if you feel that i sound happy, you're probably right cuz momsy went to Taiwan and won't be back till next sunday!!! hehehe... so ya, its kinda peaceful and drama-free for me.

Okie dokie..

will write again soon~

have a lovely sunday!

^o^

2010-11-28T20:52:00.003+08:00

ok, i'm gonna skip all the "what i did" shit and just go straight into something i want to rant, yell, scream and probably would kill if i could shit.

I'm pissed, mad pissed~ super pissed... uber pissed~ the ultimate pissed kinda pissed!

ok, let me start with the biggest pissed of shit~

Dad gave me a big fat "NO" when i said i'm going to PDX from 20th and return on the 3rd, followed by a series of symbols which represent something vulgar. Then i said "pretty please" and he replied with more symbols which means more vulgar~

So for now, unless i can come up with some "let me go or i die" shit, i'm gonna have a black dark sick Christmas~

This brings me TO another pissed of shit~

One of the reasons cited by Dad for not allowing me to go is that i'm MARRIED!!!! FUCK, u think i don't know what that means? i freaking gave up my "american dreams" for this fucking shit and a festive get-away is too much? SERIOUSLY! Does it even make sense?

Everything is just not right, i anticipate for the weekend because i get to spend time with the husband, then i realize~ OH GOD! we have nothing in common to do besides eating... And oh ya, he's tired and wants to rest (which i totally get it and trust me, i understand), so why bother get me all anticipated for the weekend when he doesn't want to move? Tell me~ so i get my stuff DONE during the weekdays rather than wait for him at the weekend.

Everyday i wake up, i pray for NO drama, everyday i open my eyes, i fear for drama and horror stories of my dad telling me what mom said... then i think what i'm gonna have for lunch or should i even have anything at all~ then i look at my options, oh~ either dry noodles or soup noodles or maybe porridge which ALL ARE instant food~ then i think, oh maybe i should get some hot deliveries, which are ALL FAST food~

All i look forward in the weekend is some fresh air, some human interaction considering my ENTIRE weekday is already spent with me, myself and i~ all in my room with either TV series or blasting music.

I'm becoming very autistic and is very much all to myself already...

what more you want from me?

every day is a living torture,

every breadth i take is painful,

every where my head turns is a dead end,

i'm tired of being strong, i'm tried of being tired...

everything is black, and how i wish i'm dead~

cuz dead people don't feel anything,

i'm icy, but not dead...

when i close my eyes and wish for death,

it would be a gift, a mercy from the dark force to relieve me from all these SHIT!

i hate my life, i hate my life and i hate being alive!

give me cancer, give me brain tumor, dun torture me like this...

give me a day that i know all these will end...

i'm so tired~

2010-11-25T22:52:00.002+08:00

What a weather!!!!

Damn! why does it have to be so cosy when i decided to work my ass off for my 5th assignment?

When i woke up this morning, i said to myself that i'm gonna not only draft up the essay, i'm gonna finish it. Damn! it was a lot harder than what i'd imagined it to be.
Oh well, i'm at the very last part of the essay, leaving the "remarks" & "conclusion" for tomorrow. A fresh pair of eyes to go through all the 7 pages of the essay and see what else needed to be corrected or need to add or clarify or basically just proof read again~

erm~ family drama... still the same~ no progress to the better or to the worse (how more worse can it get when it is already this bad)?

My objective for this week is to finish the 5th assignment, then start preparing for my mid-term exam. Then i will proceed to the 6th assignment (which is likely to be the mid of next week)

It is already thursday and i have not hear from my lawyer, and i suppose the other party (that crazy ex-wife) have not responded. So my deadline for her is till the end of next week then i will go straight to the district court for a court order to get her to respond else the court will decide the COV for her.And of course, if i have to do all these, i'll be claiming cost for the legal fee for the court order and whatever else that comes up.

Oh well, i'm still confused and trying my best to focus on my school work cause that is the only few things that i'm confident with and so far~ produced good grades which keeps me going.

My meals are still made of instant food, and i seriously have this thing for the new "instant cup porridge" which though maybe looks like baby puke, it actually taste good! Speaking of food, has anyone TRIED the new 7 cheese pizza by pizza hut? OMG~ i was so dying to try it but haven't got a chance to!!! so sad!!!! dun care, i am gonna eat the pizza no matter what! I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!!! Shit! its making me hungry liaoz... =.="""

it is a very cosy night, and i'm gonna just shut down all my work and let my eyes rest~ i have no intention to change my lenses in any time soon.

Good Nite to all~

2010-11-23T20:59:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting for my "instant porridge" to be "instant" while i'm blogging away.

Mom came into my room in the evening, suddenly talking to me, telling me about the new Gucci bags she bought and said something like how someone told her that i'm actually "innocent" and that i'm not siding my dad but i'm more like helpless because i'm caught in the middle and she's sorry for yelling at me saying i'm a free lodger and it was a honest mistake that she forgot about the laundry~

i didn't say much cuz i was too confused~ everything she said is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what dad told me~ and suddenly its like i can't tell who is lying and who isn't.

The other day, i was just asking the husband, if i'm one ~~kick-ass profiler~~ and is good at what i'm studying, then why can't i freaking tell what's going on and how the fuck i got tangled in-between and how all these freaking drama is all over me. Why can't i tell who's lying and who's not? why can't i read them like how i read other people? The answer was straight, which i knew as well~ its called "emotional blind-spot"

This afternoon, dad called and told me that if he's gonna divorce mom, he'll move out and mom told him that if he's out, it means she'll kick me out too. But in the evening, mom said she don't mind me staying at all~ saying how she understand that i'm helpless and stuff~ but then she pinched me when she asked "will you have a blissful marriage?". How do you answer something like that? She said the husband did stuff that hurt me prior to the marriage, how am i to know if he won't do it again? that was a good question~ so good that i don't quite know how to answer cuz i can't predict the future, i can only trust and pray to God that everything will be ok.

How can anyone stay sane in the middle of all these? its bad enough that i have to read and digest books that will actually decide if i'm gonna pass the exam or not, and to make sense out of all these drama...

seriously, can someone tell me what to do?

with all these drama, the legal thingy over the house at lompang and my school work and research and field studies and interviews for my case studies~ sreiously!!!! when is enough is enough?

ya, i'm hearing the jingle bells going on at the malls, but this don't feel any freaking close to any festive~ i'm living out day by day and everyday when i open my eyes, i pray that there will be no drama, no stress and i just want to get through my day and sleep at night. That's ALL i'm asking for! is that too much?

And perhaps because of all these stress, my heart is going bonkus all over again~ but thankfully Amy got me the meds to keep it "regular"~ then the constant migraine which i attributed to my eye-sight~ what more? oh, because of my irregular meals, my stomach is acting out as well?

SERIOUSLY!!!! Is there any more worse all these can go?

i'm just so tired!

SIGH~

2010-11-22T22:20:00.002+08:00

oh well, was browsing through last year's entries and i realized i'm basically almost in the same mood as i am now~ of course, without the family drama thingy.

the other day (saturday), i did laundry and thanks to the rainy weather, the clothes didn't dry as fast as i'd hoped for. And at night before i went to bed, i went down to make sure the canvas shelter is down, i noticed mom re-arranged the way i hang the clothes, i kinda just hang it out and she re-aggranged it in a way that is supposed to dry faster (i think)...

nothing much on sunday except the usual grocery shopping and getting my eyes checked~ now i'm almost blind cuz my glasses are not with me. Giving me constant headaches as well... that part sucks! I actually tried the new Instant Porridge thingy that comes in a cup and you add water, and to my surprised, it actually taste better than the ones that i have to cook over a fire!

dinner was at parents-in-law and the usual prompt of asking me how's the house and stuff~ geez... i wish, and i really wish, we can speed up the process, but what i've heard from my lawyer is that the other side is not responding. This infuriates me and i'm damn pissed! All these while, we have gone along with all the applications she took, we stood by the verdict that was given, got a new valuation for the house~ what more? the value of the house appreciated by another 15K! and i don't understand what the fuck she wants by stalling all these. it just annoys me so bad~ here i am stucked at saraca while she happily occupies the entire house at lompang, and the very reason why we didn't move back was because 2 things~

Firstly, after i returned from the states in Jan, we were supposed to have moved back to Lompang, but because of the family drama, i felt that i ought to stay behind for a while to see how thing goes at home. Then after which when we wanted to move back, that crazy ex-wife moved back already. I mean we could just barge in back and claim our space, but i'm putting the husband at risk for being a liability cuz you dunno if that crazy bitch is gonna scream molest, rape or what...

So now, all i want is to get these over with and get our lives going... its coming to a year and i can't believe we are still caught in the middle like that.

This morning when i went down to collect the dry clothes, mom said that it is not that she don't want to do the laundry for me, but it is because my clothes are "too colorful" and she need to separate them... honestly, that was lame~ my clothes are either black or white, and it is not like they are new and never been washed (which you fear that the colors will run and stain other clothes)... but regardless, i just go "orh" and walked off.

What i don't get is that, if she can say all these crap to dad, do stuff like this, why not just admit it up-front? there is no consistency in what she says or do~ this confuses me really bad...

this week, i'm hoping to clear my fifth assignment... provided i get my glasses back by tomorrow evening or wednesday~

hmmm... what else can i say?

basically nothing much~

my tummy hasn't been well, so is my wrist and heart...
but i'll get through~

right now, i'm feeling like crap because of the constant pain in my head and wrist... and not to mention the disrupted sleep i get these few weeks... i woke up like 5 times within my entire sleep~

i just want a night of sleep that i can actually sleep through the night.

that is for now... till more~

2010-11-20T12:13:00.002+08:00

this is completely random... okay, not that random, but something that i have been thinking about these few days.

Almost everyone have a religion, a unexplainable "force" we tend to believe in and some taboos we refrain from talking about, some figure of speech we tend to say to "ward" off the bad omen or bad luck such as "cross your fingers", "touch-wood or a knock on the wood", etc...

For most people, they usually take after their family's religion, like if your family has an altar of taoist gods at home, you'll likely learn the traditions of it or go to the temple on every 1st and 15th of the lunar month, and if your family goes to church every sunday, likely you have been going along with them for some time till you figure a reason to NOT go.

For me, it is Thai Buddhist~ it is actually still buddhism but they are in Thai that's all~ it is not all that common, neither is it all that rare~ but it is my belief for the past almost 13 years.

Lately because of the tremendous stress that i'm facing and nothing seem to be going in the right way, someone told me to "pray"... do my usual chanting and stuff, praying for a better tomorrow...

i do believe in the chanting and stuff, coz i'd seen it worked~ but right now, i feel that no matter how much i chant, things ain't gonna be better~ am i depressed? hell ya, am i losing faith? Maybe~

does praying helps? I dunno~

So i've heard of the shit mom is stirring again~
the usual crap~
picking out every bone she can possibly find, or keep repeating the old ones she remembers.
then the crap about wanting my in-laws over to "talk"~ which i have totally no idea what she wants to talk about... she is just trying to make herself "important" and "a force not to be reckon with"~ FUCK OFF~
She is running out of ideas to torture me, and so now she totally stop doing the laundry for me~

like i'd said, it takes more than that to break me~
as i'm blogging now, the washing machine is spinning, i can do laundry, i can cook and i can very well take care of myself. If she can deliberately pick out the husband and mine clothes to NOT be included in the usual load of laundry, it only goes to show how petty, crazy and childish she can be.

I remembered dad said to me that when we were kids, mom refuses to iron his clothes for him because she felt that dad wasn't bringing enough money home~ dad had to go to work with all the creased clothes and at first i thought, nah, mom won't be that childish and petty~ but now, hell ya... i believe every word of it.

The ultimate goal mom has now is to make my everyday living a living hell~ hoping to break me enough to make me beg for her mercy, take her side, admit that i'm wrong to side dad~ but i won't... cuz after all these that she'd done, the deeper i feel for dad and understands why he's feeling like crap for the past 30 years. If she thinks that by breaking me will make me take her side, she's playing off the wrong cards. She's pushing me further away into other people's arms.

Nowadays, i can't even stand being in the same room as her, i can't even bring myself to see her face or to even greet her. To me, she's quite dead already... if her other two kids are loving her, good for her, i'm always the black sheep of the family, so it doesn't quite make a difference.

i will NOT ask my in-laws over to talk to her, she's not worth it, and all in all, she'll embarrass me and this family~ so NO, i will not let that happen.
Once the house at Lompang is settled, the husband and i will move out like almost instantly coz when we can get the papers going, i can start packing. And after i move out, she will officially lost a daughter~ i doubt it matters to her anyway.

Be it a chinese customary ceremony or not, mom will NOT be involved. She can dream on~ so no, she decided NOT to treat me like a daughter, why should i respect her as a mom? what kind of mom discord relationship with the father, doing all she can to cut her off, carrying stupid tales or implying that i'm having affair outside? Honestly, even if i'm having an affair (which i swear i'm not), she will be the last person to know. You think i stupid ah?

The picture is getting clearer, and as day goes by, it reaffirms my beliefs and decisions.

i know what i want, and i know i have to stay strong to pull through all these crap~
For the better good for myself, i have to~
For everyone that care and love me, i will pull through~

oh well, that's all for now, i gotta go hang out the laundry and get working on my assignment, i think i might actually be able to complete it today.

it is a rainy saturday, i'm feeling so tired... i need a new pair of glasses~ the current one is giving me headaches...

till the next post~

2010-11-13T14:28:00.002+08:00

been a week... a long grilling week.

Been trying to get my head wrap around the research and reports for my class, but they just don't seem to make sense. I mean, they look more like graphic alphabets than looking like a sentence or something that make sense.
oh well, that's just part of the "complaints", but at the end of the day, i still get it done~ but the usual... i dunno what the hell i'm writing about. Its okay that i don't understand what i write, so long my lecturer does~

oh well, what else should i share?
just spinning some thoughts, so go along with me.

These few years, social networking sites are coming big into our lives, we have apps like FaceBook, Blog, Twitter, Instant Messengers now the new one is FourSquare- which allows the app to use the GPS and tell the world or rather, your friends where you are exactly. FaceBook, Twitter and stuff allows you to update your current status, thoughts and stuff~

But since when is someone's life so interesting that makes other people so interested to know about their life?
Or should i say, we all wished for a list of audience that we think or hope that they are actually concern and wants to "keep track" of every thoughts and moves?

i tried being open to post my random worthless thoughts now and then on FaceBook, but i realize, what's the point? When you say something, and make it out loud to other people, what is it you are hoping to achieve? comments? attention? or self-serving ego?

You have hundreds of friends in Facebook, how many do you actually really know and actually really care, meet up and interact? it sort of become a number chasing list that people start comparing~ "how many friends you have on Facebook?"...

ya, i heard all the stories about how you post photos and stuff to share with friends, but how many of your friends actually really browse through your album?

so what is the actual purpose of you using all these social networking sites?

For me, blog is where i wanna shed shit and have the "i dun fucking care who is reading" thingy... so here it comes~ the cream of it...

it is no secret that my family is a super dramatic one~
the constant tension between my parents, my blood-related but fucking don't give a shit besides herself "sister", and my becoming painfully snobish brother. Basically this family is dysfunctional... but to what extent?

let me tell you~

After the flora shop drama, the family split into 2 groups... the "pro-dad" and the "pro-mom" group. And me~ is classified under the "pro-dad" group while the rest of the family takes on the "pro-mom" group.

Of course, i understand, who doesn't? the way she acts, the way she behaves, telling the world she's the poor victim bullied by dad, self-sacrificed for 30++ years that made where dad is today, but what she left out to tell her kids is that how she ALWAYS scream broke regardless how much dad gives her for allowance. How much money she threw away while keeping the knitting shop that she claimed to make money... how more than once she choose to have money over her kids.

But i have to give it to her, the best actress of the year~
first was the act of being betrayed, bullied, hurt and stuff, all the tears to win all the attention and sympathy, no appetite to eat, cannot sleep, truamatized... basically~ victimized sad shit.

second, was the "i can't take it anymore, i wanna die", the "suicide" act... the thing about seeing death most of the time, counseling people whom actually want to die~ she wasn't even near it at all~ i saw through her act, and i can't be bothered.

finally, the "i might be sick", the constant complaints of "heart problem", "hands problem", "might be cancer" shit... (this annoyed me the most)

while having ALL the above problems, she conveniently left out how many holidays she went, how much she spent and how her appetite is actually very good when dad takes her out for meals.

lately, i am beginning to see the real her~ this person that is actually supposed to be my mom, then again~ who am i to complain when i was the black sheep that betrayed her by siding dad and ah yi (btw, i also call her mom).

If not for dad's recording of ALL the conversations that my so-called mom said about me, i would find it so hard to be convinced that she is the last thing i want in a mom. She went ahead to tell my siblings how i'm the one spending MOST of dad's money~ which is true anyway, he pays for my school, my monthly medical bill, generously pays me for doing some lame paper work... so i guess this bite on mom, cuz she probably is convinced that if i die, or go away, these money will actually goes to her.

let me skip the nasty part of what she said~ but get down to the point of it all~
she wants dad and i to fight, and to take the initial move to reconcile with my other two siblings... then to cut me out of his pay-roll, and best of all, throw me and the husband outta the house. When i heard the conversation and how pleased my so-called mom was~ it got me so sick, so freaking sick and disgusted~

for the past 10 months, she stopped cooking for me, and occasionally that she does cook, or should i say "reheat the left overs from days ago" she expects me to appreciate~ i should appreciate, kids at Africa don't even get left-overs, so who am i to complain right?

so i have been surviving lunch and dinner for the past 10 months with instant food~ noodles, porridge whatever... and no, it have yet to break me to go beg her to cook for me.

then it was this "cold treatment", ignoring me totally, treating me like transparent~ nah, still don't break me~ rather, i felt better this way... i don't have to deal with her rubbish, facade that she put up to gain sympathy~

her latest pressure is that the husband and i are free-lodgers and that we do not belong in this house~ she is DYING to see me outta the house~
of course, if i have a daughter that is "pro-dad" and doesn't buy my act of victimization, i would want her outta my sight too~

can't really blame her can i?
that's what kids do, childish kids do~
non-physical bully~ spreading rumors, discord relationships, exclusion from group, cold-treatment etc...

she think she got it all now...
dad to cut me off the pay-roll, dad gonna throw me outta the house soon...

she feels that she got me pushed to an edge that i would break down and beg her to stop, beg for her affection and love~

FUCK YOU!

it doesn't work this way... not to me.

the more you try to break me, the stronger i get
and i would say this again, and again, and again~

Pay back is always a bitch...

i won't stoop that low to retaliate, i got better plans, and i got my objectives and i know how to achieve them.

you want mind-games, you want to start this war... are you prepared to deal with it raw and in your nerve right up your ass?

you wanna be a perverted mom that wants to push me to the edge, break me and basically kick me outta the house and lose my only parental care that i'm receiving, i hope you are ready when i stand up and face you head on.

go on~ read this post and tell it to the world, better still~ print it out and tell the entire temple, your social circle and let them know what a daughter you have and tell you what kind of retribution i would deserve.

what goes around comes around... i'm not the one that is chanting all kinds of prayers while doing evil work. So if there is retribution, i guess you'll have it twice as hard...

guess now it is all about who's gonna break first~
i'm sure to tell you, even if i'm eating dirt off the floor, you're the last person i'll ever beg~

after what i did at the flora shop, i already know what is gonna happen eventually and the consequences that i will face. guess what? you reaffirmed my beliefs and confirmed my predictions. so i'm not really that shocked... i always knew that you're one fake ass, just how low you'll stoop is what got me curious. So now i know~

bring it on~

i'll smile brighter, laugh louder, live better~

However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?- Buddha

2010-11-06T23:09:00.002+08:00

finally, the weekend is here~ means the husband is off tomorrow!
objective for tomorrow~ wake up early enough for dim sum lunch... kekeke
been wanting to do that for a very long time.

This week, i have finished my second assignment and have got a 96% for it...
and of course, the lecturer was kind enough to give some kind comments~

have got my next week planned out, and hopefully i can actually and literally go-through with all of it and NOT~ go off the entire plans... it is okay to just miss a bit, catch up a bit, but if i don't get this going, i'm gonna be kinda screwed.

Been a rainy evening, and it just makes sleeping even more seductive~ damn!

my heart is not doing well... been feeling like crap, and thankfully, Amy will be helping me to get the meds next week~ just to refill my prescription~
for now i just have to go easy on myself.

family~ hmmm... same old drama, same old ruse~ back-stabbing, complaints and being totally ignored... i'm at this level that i'm just not absorbing any of her rubbish and nonesense and just focus on my work, get it done, and do it well. That's all that matters, though i might be eventuall malnorished cuz i have been having instant noodles for everyday for months for lunch or dinner. But it is good if you're going on a diet... hahaha... that explains how i lost 5kg over the months~

tomorrow i gotta take out all the trash that i have been tossing over the week, some old files etc... but more clearing will come perhaps next week when i'm in the mood. Lately i'm into cleaning up, rearraging my table, spaces and stuff~ hehehe...

okie dokie, the husband just called, he's going to Mac to pick up some chicken nuggets and have some light snacks... mouth itching for food leh... hahaha....

not too bad a week, i mean when you constantly waking up to an empty house, how bad can it go right? so i think instant noodles is still good, considering the drama i have to face when there is someone home. YUCKS~

that's all folks,
enjoy your cosy night,
enjoy your sunday before dragging ur ass back to work...

2nd Nov' 2010 (Tuesday)

2010-11-02T22:57:00.003+08:00

Hmmm... weekend came and gone... weee...
quite a pleasant weekend, the husband and i finally went for dinner (just the 2 of us) and strolled around the mall, and did some window shopping- That was on saturday when he worked only the earlier half of the day.

while we were at the mall, we went to Mont Blanc and i set my eyes on this pen that is "woah"... and of course, not cheap~ just thought it might look real nice on top of my collection of the rest of the Mont Blanc pens. But NO! must restrain myself cuz this is not the time or occasion to spend on luxury items, besides, i don't have the budget to... so just drool and walk away.

back home watching movies, pop a bag of pop-corn~ damn! mind-blowing... kekeke

Sunday, the husband and i planned to have lunch probably some Tim Sum thingy, but again, being the sleepy head, i just cannot wake up before noon~ hahaha... the thing about me is that, either i wake up real early say 8am or so, or after 12pm... but in-between a bit difficult, dunno why also... hahaha

went back to his parents for dinner and went out window shopping again after dinner.
the husband have this thing about shopping at supermarkets oh well, me too~ think it is a occupational habit that we like to look at the greens and spices and stuff~ mentally whipping out kick-ass dishes... the husband wanted to buy a mini-bar fridge for the room, but then~ we decided NOT TO, because i don't want more drama or drama over a mini-fridge and the rise of electricity consumption~ so best is NO~

went back home... more movies but no pop-corn... "sad"... "very sad"...

i enjoy weekends like this, get out of the house, get some air~ walk around, feel the "human" around me... not trapped in this cold room with songs and lots of smoke.

to a good start for the week or rather month, i have submitted my second assignment for grading~ so wish me lots of luck for that.

my target for this month is to COMPLETE school violence... so i really need to start working my ass off for that. another 3 more assignments to the mid-term paper. So seriously, need to focus and study hard~ i want my distinction, the third distinction for this term... i want it, i want it, i want it!

happy thing is, i have re-arranged my stuff on my desk and cleared up some good space and it looks really neat and cool cuz everything is black! and i love black, it is my favorite color!

these few days have been rather "good" and i hope it will stay that way (not for long i know), but just stay that way as long as possible.

if i were to say the family drama doesn't get to me, i'll be lying~
truth is, i am affected, but i'm not gonna let it affect my work, my studies and affect my judgement, just emotionally kinda unstable/ wrecked? ya, some where along that line.

would need to sleep early tonight, got called in to work tomorrow...
so sleepy liaoz~

"good dream good dreams come to stay, bad dreams bad dreams go away"

2010-10-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

another day has gone by just like that, again i'm just simply being unproductive cuz i have yet to find the mojo or motivation to digest the coursework i'm reading, and to have to analyze the information and to put them out in my own words, it is just so difficult...

too many distractions~
tv series, iPod Touch, FB, and of all~ family drama.

again, the whole back-stabbing shit is beginning all over again.
it is not like the husband and i enjoy staying here, but we are in a midst of a transition and now that we are working to agree on the "cash value" of the house, i hope we can settle this without going back to the district court. To move things along, i have requested another new valuation for the house because the old one expired and just to be fair to both party, it is best to have the latest valuation and see how and what the property market is. And according to the market value, i will adjust the "cash value" accordingly.

honestly, i just wanna get by the day without drama, without all these negative shit, but it just seem so impossible.

i wonder when will all these rubbish stop...
the day i move out or the day when all the cards are on the table?

it is the "cough" season for me again... damn! i hate this feeling, already taking the meds but i doubt its gonna help much, just hope my asthma doesn't come back and that's a blessing already.

the pain in my wrist is better when i apply pressure on it by wearing a wrist support, but how long can that last? as long as it can, and i'll be happy. I dun want doctors, i don't want surgery, and i don't want to NOT be able to write, use my hand for months... so if this works for now, then it shall be.

ok, that's about it for now... what else? just ranting and more ranting...

nothing positive to offer for now...
sorry~

the week is almost over, i just wanna pull through the week without tears, without drama, without the urge of just killing myself and let everything go. When is too much too much to bear? Where is the line? Is there a guideline on how much misery one should endure before giving up? Because i'm feeling really tired, extremely stressed and with lots of conflicts.

Nah, won't literally kill myself, but i do feel part of me dying or is already dead. which is worse, being dead inside or literally die? I've seen too much death to know life is precious, but when one is constantly living in negative conditions and with all the odds against her, how long can she stay sane and still find the light at the end of the tunnel? I don't even know if there will even be light at all cuz i haven't seen it for a really long time.

about time to take my meds... ya, lots of meds to keep my sane, keep me stable, make me logical and be that cool, strong, brave and "nothing can bring me down" mentality. who am i kiddin'?

if i have a choice, u really think i wanna be G.I Jane? please, at the end of the day, i'm just another regular girl, that wants a regular life...

All these while, i only want what most people want...
- a doting partner
- a warm and loving family (which is totally impossible)
- a smooth sailing path till i graduate, so i can focus and get my distinctions

is that too much to ask for?
where is the bottom line? and where is too much or greedy?

like i'd said, lots of conflicts... lots of questions that is left unanswered...

and lastly, lots of prayers...

2010-10-26T21:12:00.002+08:00

no updates, nothing much going on...

but do bear this in mind especially if you gonna talk to me for the next few days, i bite~ i literally mean i bite...

ok, this may be the stress or the bipolar talking, cuz afterall, i'm mad~ i'm insane, not sane, insane... mentally unstable kinda insane... so i will kill you if you step on my toe, i will express my concern for your mother in a way that you will want to kill me too...

so ya, this is the time when Icyz says "I NEED SPACE" which i actually got a lot considering how much time i spent talking to people... ironic... weird even~

my wrist is hurting and i'm refusing to see a doc becuz i don't want surgery (which means no X'mas at portland) and i'm pushing myself through some really rough patch that i'm going through so don't come mess with me...

don't try~ don't... seriously, don't...

2010-10-23T17:37:00.002+08:00

about a week since i'd updated~ oh well, i was being lazy, distracted (with my iPod touch), tv series and just not feel like doing my work... hahaha...

finally~ i have submitted the first assignment for school violence, which again, i dunno what the hell i'm writing. This assignment requires me to do an analysis of the Federal Budget of The United States which is like "huh?" for me... looking at the numbers just so reminds me of economics 101~ NOT FUN!
But anyway, i'd already emailed my lecturer, so wish me luck for that... the first assignment always scares me because i have no idea what this lecturer is looking for and how she is gonna grade the papers... so the first assignment is more like a blind bat!

Now that i have got the first assignment done, it should kick off the ball rolling for the rest of the course requirements... so i'm gonna pace it out and get it done and hopefully complete it before my other classes start.

So far no family drama (touch-wood) and i hope it can stay this way...

eh~ nothing much from me... good news?

ya, in my world, no news is good news...

now i'm hungry and thinking what to have for dinner with hubby...
no crave leh, but hungry~

the heavy downpour just now just makes going out such a chore... feel like just lazing my time away and not move... ya, i'm getting real lazy yah?

oh whatever...

you guys have a great weekend...
i'll try to enjoy mine!

Random

2010-10-18T17:55:00.002+08:00

these are just some random thoughts that i have and just wanna put it down instead of just saying stuff that i'd done or the usual routine or grumbles that i have.

how and where shall i start?
ok, let's go back to last year this time...
i was struggling with my studies, the legal-suit with the skanky ex-wife etc... not forgeting my family drama and stuff... geez, i always wonder how the hell i made it through without cracking up (ok, i did crack up once a while)...

but then i realized something... i wasn't alone going thru all these shit~
i had my husband with me all these while especially during the crucial time when all the family drama happened and the house he has at Lompang, was my solace and "get-away"... i would look forward to picking him up from work and go back to our nest and i'll grumble everything to him and somehow, he has this thing that makes me feel safe, protected and sheltered. He would tuck me in bed and hush me to sleep, and in a very odd way, his snores just makes me feel safe and reminds me of his presence.

honestly, i never thought one day i'll get married again because my ex-husband was such a bastard ... and i honestly don't feel like i'm ready for committment or family thingy... but somehow, my husband just manage to work his way thru and of course, he has a very nice family who really dotes on me and makes me feel welcomed and be part of the family.

it wasn't a cruise all the way till today, we had our fights, we had finiancial problems and stuff... but we managed to weather through and though sometimes I HATE the way he handles stuff, being all "chill and slack", it somehow slow my pace down and allows me to have a better judgment (not all the time though).

it makes me wonder, if without him, how am i gonna cope with all these drama? in the past was me in this empty room with jazz to chill and think, but now~ i anticipate his return and wants to tell him all the shit that happened.

I have to say, that this marriage was really sudden and in just a blink of the eye, i was like legally married... it took me some time to adjust my mind-set and stuff, but i really like the way things are now. so if i were to be given a choice, i would do it all over again.

people call it blessing in disguise, and i feel~ ya maybe...
you know people always talk about "the right one"???? oh well, for me is... i know the "wrong ones"... i am realistic, so i don't just close my eyes and pray for "forever", but i do know, i will wanna keep this marriage the way it is now, and enjoy every moment of it... looking forward to our own nest, staying up late grumbling and bitching... but basically, enjoying his company and the merits he has.

guess the rest is still the same, me and studies, graudation and finding a job...
but i know~ i'm not alone...

so, what's next on the drama list?
dunno~
maybe the law-suit thingy, maybe family drama...
but i'm comfortable right now in my own space and this marriage have made me a better person, my husband made me a better person... and i'm thankful for that.

ok, that's about all i wanna say now...

u have something to tell me?
the "comment" link is just below the post, or email me...

^o^

2010-10-04T21:39:00.002+08:00

every time when i log on to this page, i really wish i have something really positive and happy and pink to share... but life ain't a bed of roses, especially not mine.

Again, my dearest mom have again been asking dad when i'm gonna graduate and how much more money am i gonna leech from him, saying that i'm speaking for him because i take his money and that i will only be taking more money.
again, what is new?
the same old ruse... kinda gets boring over time.

funny, she said i'd lost weight, i thought she would realize that when she decided to do everything and anything she can to SPEND dad's money, and go say shit about dad in-front of the other 2 children. Making her seem like the victim, the poor-thing, the sad shit...

oh well, i don't quite really care about it now...
since they feel that i am taking money from dad which is TRUE, because my "salary" of 1000 do come from him, and the remaining 400 from the flora shop...
I'm sure that sounds like more than what i deserve cuz i don't have to clock in 8 hours everyday, because i don't have to drive around to attend case etc... so basically i'm a high-paid loafer...
that's about it.

been browsing through my class notes... dunno why, can't find my motivation or drive to even want to read about it. That is really NOT me...

maybe i'm really tired of all these drama that i am beginning to disassociate myself with these mess... like a third-party looking at my life. feels weird but i'm tired of repeating my complaints and i'm tired of defending, saying stuff.

one thing i'm sure, what ever the rest of the family thinks, see, feel about me, is not gonna change anytime soon, perhaps never will. That's why i'm really tired of saying stuff. Why waste my effort, kill my brain cells?

anywayz, this week is Amy's Bday, we intended to go Batam- Holiday Inn for Spa, but she sort of got into some argument with her mom so we have to just put that aside.
The husband is on leave for the later week cuz he's almost dying from work.

i just want a peaceful week ahead...
that's all i want, is that too much to ask for?

1st Oct 2010

2010-10-01T13:57:00.002+08:00

the idiot- yours truly, realized that YESTERDAY was the last day of Sept, not today... wah lau... seriously, i got date and day issues... i always dunno what date it is or what day it is. alamak! Not good...

so i guess i will have to sit my butt down to go through my "School Violence" today and get the ball rolling.

Ok, as i was saying about the verdict.
The high-court judge awarded that skanky thingy another additional 5%, and on-top of that, we are to pay her $1500 for the high-court appeal and some misc court fees for filing documents etc... so that should come up to about 2K...

So the total amount of % she was awarded is 12% of the Open-Market Value less mortgage, so that roughly should come up to about 30- 40K... that may sound a lot, but her lawyer was arguing for 50% of the open-market value less mortgage... but when the judge asked the lawyer to justify why her client should deserve the increase from 7% to 50%, she couldn't answer...

of course, the husband is boiling mad... but the way i looked at it... If we surrender the house back to HDB, the husband will loss about 40++K in the CPF + interest, and now the compensation is about that amount as well, so i see it as "buying" over her interest and ownership of the apartment.

so i told the husband to suck it up and move on...
but now the tacky thing is to agree on the open-market value. Ok, u may ask what is open-market value. It is the Valuation of the apartment + cash value. Meaning, if the house is valued at 200K, you would probably ask for another 20K above valuation... so it is the "cash" value that BOTH parties have to agree on, else we're going back to court and let the judge decide. So that will probably take another month or two (most likely two) cuz that skanky ass is gonna come up with some astronomical figure cuz in that way, her share of 12% will increase. I gave the offer of 20K above valuation, which i honestly doubt that will be enough for her. She is probably punching the calculator and counting the $$ that is coming her way.

The husband is still sore... so that's a raw nerve i don't wanna touch. LOL!
but this is the price to pay to keep the house... there's never a free lunch especially in SG where we have "Women's Charter" and we tend to sympathize women over men despite what the paper or logic may say. At least this is what i feel... which is GOOD~ i mean i'm a woman too... but there are just people who would wanna abuse the system and take advantage of it. But overall, i still have faith in our justice system.

But i do have to say that i wasn't expecting the high-court judge to increase her % of compensation, but after listening to his reasoning, i feel that it is pretty fair and just... but of course, who won't want to pay less?
so seriously, let's just get things moving and get her ass outta the house. I think that is the ultimate goal~ these are just process of it, so suck it up...

like i'd said... i'll try to continue blogging regularly from now on, cuz i have this brain that cannot remember stuff... so blogging helps me to remember what happened, what i did and how i felt. so if it gets too boring for you, then erm~ don't come back... hahaha

but basically these are all that has been happening lately~
i know, it is kinda boring... my life has been rather boring what!
fine, occasionally there are dramas, but that's about it.

gonna hit the showers and get my ass working on my class-work.
till the next post~

Cheers!

29th Sept 2010

2010-09-30T22:46:00.002+08:00

i was browsing through my old entries, sorry not avaliable to you guys... bleh~

anywayz, last year this time, i was struggling with Anthropology... honestly, i can't remember shit about it... oh well, maybe the basic or something but not much~

it was a simple day... i slept in late cuz i kept waking up in the middle of the night for watever reason it may be, then i FINALLY met up with David for "lunch" though it was already almost 3pm... we went to this Hongkong cafe for food and it was alright, but we were chatting and that guy, got his iPhone 4... wah lau, he is like the 9th person i know that owns one...
Dennis was next on the list, then is the husband... Singtel have yet to get back to say if their stock arrived... so i'm kinda on the waiting list.

Seriously, what's up with the iPhone that everyone is crazy for? ok, the applications are useful, its fun blah blah blah... ok, i admit, i'm itching for one to see if it is that good, but~ i doubt i will actually own one (unless someone gets it for me? kekekek)...

but for now, i'm good with my BlackBerry and it serves me well~ so i'm good for NOW? hahaha... seriously, what's up with the iPhone craze? it is everywhere i go, every head i turn to... they are buried within the phone...

for someone who studies social science, it is bad for human interaction... with instant messaging, text messaging, emails... seriously, people text more than making phone calls... so i wonder, if people still know how to talk. Studies actually SHOWN that all these application and stuff distance people even further as they begin to lose touch with the human interaction. Go take a train, see how people are all engrossed in their phones, iPod etc... its bad~

even though all these texting and stuff don't bother me much cuz i have few friends, and they usually call me instead of texting because after a few text, i tend to NOT reply... so they know they will have to call~ it takes more than 160 characters to totally put a point across especially when it comes to discussions. But it annoys me when i go for gathering, the first thing people do is to take out their phones and mess with it... then half-way during the conversation, they start to text... that is plain rude!!!!

ok, ranting aside...
i feel like having some colors on my hair... should i color it?
of course i'm not talking about red, pink, purple... maybe a lighter shade of brown? i love my $500 hair-cut and treatment, but black hair just seem kinda boring after some time you know... and the hair-dye is going cheap at the stores... so butt itching for colors. I just had my hair cut and stuff done like a month ago, so i don't think i'm going back to the salon~ so i was more like thinking of a DIY color thingy... still thinking about it... but i have people telling me that my hair is NOT all that black, it is slightly brownish~ is it?

dunno lar... still thinking...

tomorrow is the last day of September and i have to get my ass working on my school violence in October to make it in time for the grading before Winter break... wish me lots of luck for that.

blah blah blah...

so what? you guys like the new blogskin? I thought the header or picture kinda speaks about me so i really like it... of course, yours truly spent some time editing the html to be what i want it to be...
but damn! i like the black, dark and twisted feeling... lol!

it is 11pm, the husband have yet to return from work, poor guy went out to work like 8.30am this morning~ and there is just endless functions to organize and stuff, so he's working his ass off~

ok, that's about all that i have to say today~
my ranting and boring stuff...

these coming few months would be interesting...

oh, for what is worth, momsy has been AGAIN pressing for the date of my graduation, and i'm getting kinda pissed with that. She kept saying what's the point of studying so much without working etc... its not like i'm spending her money doing nothing! i'm taking shit from her... it just annoys me, she thinks what? i dun want to graduate? i'm more desperate than she thinks... i can't wait to graduate, join the force and live my life~ she thinks being a student is fun huh? try to read my textbooks, having to remember stuff that don't make sense... so till you are in my shoes, dun freaking say shit~

fine~ i'm done ranting today...
feeling kinda sleepy actually... waiting for the husband to return... the usual "how's your day", "how's work" etc... then i go Zzzz

one more day to slack... just one more~ then the ball gets rolling.

the verdict for the house is out, but i will talk about it tomorrow... i think i said enough for today, so let's keep that topic for tomorrow.
trying to get back to my regular blogging but i need topics right?

have a good night you all~
i'm calling it a day liaoz...

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

2010-09-29T17:31:00.002+08:00

Hi all~

sorry for another huge void...
actually i have a lot to say, but i just dunno how to get it out of my chest...

i haven't been messing with my FB or Blog cuz firstly, i got no time, secondly, it just kinda gets boring over time...

decided to change a blogskin~ back to something dark... cuz i have dark, coz i'm dark and twisted inside~

first thingy~ school...
oh well, they have not get back to me regarding some of the classes, so for now i only have School Violence which can be a good thing, coz this one ain't easy~ how to research based on America's budget distribution to school funding?

Second thingy~ family...
there isn't much of a "family" to speak of cuz apparently mom is happy finding fault with me and the husband... she complains that his clothes smell and she has to wash them separately~ so i took the laundry basket into my room and separate the clothes, wanting to do the laundry myself, she came into my room and took the basket away. So seriously i went "WTF"?

She feels that i have not been giving her money because i have been spending the money on the husband... which is NOT true. I don't see a reason to justify her wanting money from me because...
- that fucking family at sembawang gave her no dime, so why should i? they get free-baby sitter and all they can "give" is a free ride home... awwww... so sweet~ oh~ and recently (for years before) they finally BOUGHT according to mom "the best durian mooncake" for her!!! oh WOW!!!! I'm so impressed!
- The utilities have all been paid for by dad, so whatever water, electricity we use are NOT from her pocket... so why she kao peh?
- I am more than willing to do the laundry myself, but she insisted otherwise and because of this i'm expected to give her $400 a month?
she goes on ranting about how "homeless" now the husband is and stuff... yada yada yada i know~ the housing issue is NOT resolved yet... so because we are living under the same roof, i'm expected to just put up with her nonsense?
- seriously, i used to give her money every month though i fucking don't earn much, but then i realize, here i am giving her money, there is someone else leeching from the account... so why the fuck should i give her money so that fucking someone can leech more money?

see, everytime i start on that topic, my blood boils...

third thingy- my life~
erm.... it hasn't been all that sucky~ the husband is nice, i get work done... so there isn't much to complain about.

my bipolar is sort of getting better, at least i feel i'm better in control of my mood and stuff... which is actually a good thing, Dr did mention that she might wanna cut down my dosage, which is something i'm weary~ cuz i am not sure if i might crash or get affected by the cut... oh well, that will have to wait till i see her in like another 2 week's time?

Oh ya, the happy thing!
Criminal Minds season 6 started liaoz!!! OMG~ Thomas Gibbson.... "drool"
other series are beginning too... so distracting for my studies and work...
but i'm good at multi-tasking, so i'm not exactly that worried.
JUST HAPPY~!

anyway, that's so far the update for now...

hope you guys will like the new blogskin...
and pardon me for the ranting and crude language~ but then again, IT IS MY BLOG!

till the next post~

7th Sept'2010

2010-09-07T12:21:00.002+08:00

woah, another long void~

pai seh larh.... hahaha

past few days been caught up with work, studies and stuff...
i have finally finished the final examination for Terrorism~
and guess what? I got an A for Crime & Women (the lecturer finally got back to me), and i have just received an email from my lecturer for Terrorism, and he said i got an A for the course~ that means i got 2 A(s) for both course~

i'm glad i did well, but i'm not over the moon because i know the following courses will be either just as difficult, if not worse~ and i'm not all the confident that i will score well for the other subjects. but i do promise to give in my best~
looks like my hard work and stuff did pay-off a little bit~
imagine the time i was mad-buried within my books and i went bonkus with the essays and stuff...

Well, over the week i managed to spend time with Lind at the house and we just sat there gossiping and yaking away... it was fun though we didn't do much~

Yesterday, i took them to Raffles City- Shokudo for dinner and i intended to buy them a round of drinks at City Space, but during dinner, Jean (lind's mom) called and said that Sebby doesn't want to sleep and is looking for mama... so we finished up the dinner, and took a quick ride to the 70th Floor... Mike and Lind were amazed by the awesome scenery and it was a pity that we couldn't sit down for drinks (thankfully too- else i will be broke) Kiddin'!

we went back to the house, Lind tucked Sebby to bed and Mike, Jean, Lind (after sebby finally slept) and Ken sat around and gossiping...

It feels so "fast" that their "holiday" is coming to an end this quick~ but oh well, they have tried like everything, including durians and stuff... so i think they pretty much covered all the grounds already.

now i wonder, how are they gonna cope with the flight BACK to portland and how they gonna adjust sebby back to the time zone... so lind said "oh well, it will take another 4 days of tantrumps and i won't be on FB for like the week"... ya, she got lots to do when she gets back~ to catch up with her work, look after sebby and stuff...

i believed they enjoyed the holiday and they are gonna miss all the food and stuff...
oh well, till they come back again in like what? 5 years?...

so that aside...

i have just called the lawyer regarding the law-suit and she told me the high-court date is set on the 22nd Sept, and till now, she have got no submissions from the other side, so likely they are gonna stick with what they orignially submitted...
My lawyer is very positive, and i hope we can get all these done ASAP and hopefully we can move back to Lompang like before dec (so i can still get to go for my Winter Holiday), i think this year's winter holiday might be fun coz Ken and Tish are gonna be there

but it is still a unknown thingy till the verdict of the house is out, and after all the paper work and stuff, till that bitchy, money grabbing, skanky ass is outta the place... i dare not plan anything for the later months...

but i would really hope that the high-court will penalize them for wasting the court's time and dismiss their case with costs and maybe a bit greedy, but i hope they will reduce the percentage that we ought to pay her previously from the family court... since she is apparently being greedy and stuff, i hope the high-court will see that and just slap her on the wrist...

that's about all~

i finally cleared my desk which was a disaster because i had all the reference books lying around on the table... so i finally can toss the books into the shelves and forget about it! hahaha....
till the next one comes... i'm good for now~

gonna hang out with Lind later... even though i didn't really take her to places like i did with Scott (because that time i got car, now dun have), spending time hanging out is just as fun~ it is not about what you do, it is the company that you enjoy...

ok, that's quite a bit of up-dates...

till the next post~
take care you all!

2010-08-31T14:29:00.002+08:00

its been about a week since i'd last blogged...
so what happened?

First... I didn't get much of a opportunity to spend time with the Mizars except hanging out at the house... coz i'm kinda only "available" after 6 (that is when bro returns and i get to use the car), but i'm glad to see Sebby back to his old-self, that smile, grin and sly look... he's such a precious...

Second... I FINALLY FINISHED the final examination paper for Crime & Women... initially the plan was to do terrorism first, but i am reluctant to spend $20 cab to school and another $10 to cab back from Yio Chu Kang MRT Station... freaking $30 for one 1-hour exam... siao~ so i told the husband to shift his half-day leave to the Oct 1st and drive me to the school... lol~ cheapo right?

Third... yours truly was sick after finishing the paper... its like i squeezed out all my brain juice from my pea brain totally and my body crashed right after that... i was hanging out at Lind's and though they invited me to join them supper at Chomp Chomp, i didn't go coz the parking was mad, and i don't quite like that place, the sitting is limited, and you walk out smelling like grease and food... NOT NICE~ so i drove them there and went home to pack up my room and clear the pile of clothes that has been sitting on my couch for like weeks? Then during the mid-night, i was burning up and the next day, i felt like i was dying... very bad sore throat, fever and cough... it is one thing to have sore throat, but sore throat + cough = "let me die"

So i spent the entire Sunday sleeping while the husband went out to buy lunch and he had to go back to Bukit Panjang because his parents were expecting us for dinner, i couldn't go, so he went back and came back with dinner that mom-in-law cooked. Mom-in-law called me after the husband left and ask if i'd seen a doc... as usual, i refuse to pay $30 for a consultation for a doctor to tell me what i already know, and give me meds that i cannot buy over the counter... so i rather stick to my cough syrup and meds and let my body recover on its own.

Mom-in-law called again on monday to see if i'm better and the husband went "WAH! why i don't get this kind of treatment"... i was like "how i know?" your mother leh, not mine... of course, i would contribute it to the fact that i'm lovable, cute and have this "dunno what's happening look"... hahaha...

So, today is tuesday, and yesterday, i was trying really hard to study for terrorism, and it confuses me because i dunno i'm studying for terrorism or history... all the dates, names and definitions... and gawd knows what else is being asked~ i just feel so miserable. though the cough syrup and meds didn't cause drowsyness in me, but my eyes feel very tired and my brain feels jammed... nothing is going in and i don't even remember what i read... jia lat~ how to sit for paper tomorrow?

Ai ya, i just have this urge to NOT study and just go in the exam hall and wack... but then again... its so not me lor~ HOW?

oh ya, another thing to mention...
over the week, my desktop crashed. Actually is the "mother-board" and "video card" that was down... thanks to jun whom helped me deliver it to HP and got it back for me, so i was only "desktop-less" for 3 days... but that felt like a long long time. Conclusion, time to scout around for a new com. My mac is still serving me well, but that's not the point, my desktop is for lesiure purpose, whereas Mac is work purpose. I will probably get a new desktop when i move... makes more sense than to buy now... plus, all the programs i have inside my PC now is all Vista compatible, so i'm not sure if they work well with Windows 7...

anyway, after i finsh terrorism, i still have about 6 courses to go before graduation.
- School violence (which i have yet to touch though its sitting on my desk) the questions that is being asked is really stupid and totally American based. Don't they know they have students whom are taking the course that are NOT residing or citizens of America? what allocating budget, comparing State to State... wah lau...

- Juvenline Deliquency
- Poverty
- Drug Abuse & Society
- Theories of Criminal Behavior & Analysis
- Forensic Evidence

All these are my final-year courses and it is so freaking stressful... the kind of questions being asked are so out of the book, and i wonder how on earth the lecturer can conjure questions like these...

and ya, that idiot from Crime & Women have not responded despite i submitted my final exam paper... so i really dunno if she have not receive it or is she waiting for my final exam and grade it altogether... this sends me so over the edge coz the first thing i do when i wake up is to check my phone for emails.

it is about 3pm now, and i'm still starring at my book and making sense out of what i'm seeing~ now i wonder how the hell i managed to complete all the essays with A(s) without knowing what the banana i was writing about.that is so annoying!

perhaps i should not complain and bitch so much and try to focus harder on my books.
sianz...

okie dokie, i shall do that... but firstly, i would need a good shower to "wake" up then the studying shall follow...

that's all folks...

till the next entry~

23rd August

2010-08-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

Finally, managed to find time to post an entry...

back track to 21st August... the day i finally see the Mizar on Singapore soil! LOL!!!
All of us, the Mizar, Jean (Lind's mom), Edward (Lind's dad), and Ken (Tish's BF), went for Chicken Rice and then back to the house for just hanging out. They had a rough flight coz Sebby was awake through out the entire 11 hours of flight from PDX to Narita, and he was going all hay-wired and mad, frustrated and upset... smacking his dad real hard (according to Mike)... lol...

Then on the 22nd Aug, the husband and I went for a game of badminton, and though it is merely an hour of game, it thrash the both of us to the core... we went for lunch at Bukit Panjang Plaza food court... then it was a "long" drive back to Saraca coz both of us were just so tired. It is really funny coz we both crashed on the bed like instantly....

We then showered and get ready to move, We went over to Lind's and picked up Mike and Ken, while Lind, Seb and Jean took Edward's car... the husband did not join us for PoPiah Session as he has to go back to Bukit Panjang, but he came back to pick us up when we were done, and we went back to Lind's and we hang out there, gossiping and talking till about 10.30++

While at Lind's Granny's, i met Sandra & Susan, Lind's cousins, and her Ah Yi... though i felt a little out of place, but nonetheless the food was enjoyable.

Sebby was really grouchy and out of control, he was apparently still in Portland time zone and having major jet lag and plus the change of sleeping routine, weather, environment, he was really not himself... which my heart goes all the way out to Lind and Mike coz both of them were drained totally from the flight and yet sebby was just refusing to sleep even though he was really very tired.

Just hope the next few days Sebby will adjust soon enough coz they have got plans and places to go to.

I'm studying for my final-exam for Terrorism, and after which i may be able to just hang out at Lind's, BEFORE i return to mugging my books for the final exam for Crime & Women... which makes my blood boil because my lecturer didn't even get back to me for the first assignment grade, and now that i'm doing the final exam, i have no blardy clue how to even start the paper... so i need to finish terrorism first, so at least i can focus and spend more time on Crime & Women. WISH ME LUCK FOR THAT~

i'm tired... still coughing, body ache... sucky feeling...

tomorrow, die die must finish the revision and have the exam done by wednesday... else all my plans are screwed.

didn't manage to talk to Lind today, hope her day went well, i think she went Orchard Road or so...

that's all for now...

gonna catch the Zzzzz monster!

20th Aug'10

2010-08-20T22:19:00.004+08:00

another day has gone...
spent the entire afternoon reading the textbook and i have serious issues concentrating... there are just too many things on my mind and focusing is just so difficult. But for what is worth~ it was a peaceful day...

No calls, No drama, No nagging....
i appreciate days like this and it feels good... just wished i'd been able to use that peace for some good~

if there is anything exciting to mention~ my dearest BFF is arriving with my God-son Sebby and of course, Mike... that is such a WOAH~ FINALLY... she's coming back HOME! i'm trying to clear my schedule of work so we can spend time together, but that charbor has got lots of plans laid out... which i'm happy for her~ she finally get to come home like after 15 years? dunno got that long or not, but it sure feels that long~

Tomorrow night i'm picking her, mike and sebby up to go to her aunt's place for POPIAH! Lind claims it is the Noya style... die die must try... but i feel kinda odd coz it has been years since her family seen her and i'm like the odd ball out, BUT~ Lind is family... so i shall be thick-skinned and just tag along lor since i'm invited anyway! Time spent with Sebby is never enough... he have grown so much, and i miss him so much... Lind invited me to the Malacca trip as well, but i can't make it due to my exams... though she came at quite a "bad" time, i'll do what i can to make it a "good" time.

Hopefully i can clear a few more chapters before i meet her in the evening...

next week i'm scheduled to sit for the final paper for terrorism and i'll save the hardest for the last... I have been starring at the 5 essay questions for Crime & Women and i seriously dunno how or where to even start... so i hope to clear Terrorism first before i start pulling my hair for this blardy Crime & Women...

i'm still not feeling all that well... body ache all over, coughing and feverish... i took all the meds that i can find... hopefully i'll be okay, coz i don't want to be able to see sebby and not kiss him... hehehehe....

its a day to look forward to tomorrow... i just hope to wake up feeling better...
then i can see the Mizars! I finally get to DRIVE her instead of the other way round... hahaha...

i'm excited...

guess i should retire early tonight so i can wake up earlier to do my work before seeing her in the evening...

still excited! hehehe...

p.s: just hope the weather and jet lag doesn't turn her into a bitch... Cross my fingers...

Not Ready To Make Nice

2010-08-19T16:38:00.002+08:00

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could,
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said,
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could,
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could,
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

2010-08-19T14:38:00.002+08:00

yesterday, i kept thinking about "taking sides"...
i'll skip all the drama details, so if you understand you will, if you don't then just too bad.

you know something about learned helplessness? this is a psychology thingy~ it is when after you tried and tried and tried and finally realize that there is nothing you can do... you learned what is helplessness...

another thing from my sociology- conforming to the norms (norms by which is a set of unspoken rules that is accepted and practiced by the society).

why am i bringing up all these? because lately my education and qualifications have been questioned. the most common question is "you study psychology you dunno meh" OR "you study so much, you dunno how to tell the difference meh"?

i tried being patient, i tried being nice, i tried to avoid the topics and the cruel truths, but you kept pushing me for answers because i'm SUPPOSEDLY to know everything. One minute you are sobbing at my face, next minute you are yelling and screaming at me... you dunno what you want, and you want me to present you the options, so i did- which obviously did not please your ears, that's how i realize where the statement of "Constant brain-wash" comes from.

from day one, i took no stand, i pull myself out of the equation and i rendered my ears, drove her around when i could, brought her to places for nice food, but then it all became nothing when i still present her with the options.

how not be helpless? i'm home everyday, and the ranting goes non-stop, and on certain days, i enjoy some peace and perhaps a smile, on the not-so-good days, i just hide in my room and do my work.

Conformity~ i still believe that taking no stand and sides is what i should do, but not according to the other 2... and over the time... after all the negative reinforcements, after more drama, and the "he say, she say" part of me begin to wonder if i made the right choice. so i spoke to some of my peps and surprisingly, they agreed with me and that it is up to the 3 of them to solve this mess, the so-called support, that each side is fighting for, is childish... its like kids fighting for toys in kindergarden, e.g.; "you talk to him i dun friend you", or "i tell you something you don't tell her"

so yesterday, while trying to shoot some pool (race to 9), for the first few racks, i was leading 6-3, then these thoughts of conforming came into my head, all the "he say, she say" kept ringing in my head, and i lost the concentration, i missed the pocket, in the end i still win with 9- 8... but it wasn't a happy win... coz my head is clouded with all these thoughts...

you really think i don't feel the pain when i see her cry? you guys really think that i don't understand her pain? seriously, just because i don't brag it out loud like you guys that makes me indifferent? people have different approach towards things, you have yours i have mine, even though it is not Orthodox, it doesn't mean its wrong. It is just unusual that's all~

there is a lot more things you guys could do for her if you guys are truly that sincere and that loving towards her... but NO~ you guys just simply do lip-service and brush it along and pass it through barely touching the surface, then you stand there all right and tall, claiming all the credits~ screw you and your family...

i make my bed and i sleep tight, i still don't see why i should take sides, caring for one person is one thing, changing my stand is another.

just because you are not here to see for yourself, dun deny what others do~

you can go on carry tales and shit, spreading lies and rubbish, i really don't care coz to me you're as dead as can be...

like what i said in my previous post, i no longer hope for any reunification coz since when were we even close? let's not even start with your bag of shit... so seriously, this is my blog, i say what i feel at the moment i post it, you want to penalize me for flaming you? then dun read...

dun keep hitting yourself with a hammer...

you freaking stay out of my face and space and dun just stand there and yak and yak and more yak-ing... its annoying and it only goes to show how low you are...

i live in my little bubble world, and within this bubble, its peace and solace... all i ever wanted, is just peace and quietness so i can focus on my studies and stuff, so dun, dun intrude into my bubble, stir shit and walk away... i promise you, payback is a bitch...

Why can't you all just leave me alone in my bubble world?
sick ass!

okay, enough ranting...

back to some updates~

Arium just emailed me yesterday that my final-exam paper for terrorism is here... i have yet to start the revision, so i dunno when i should take the paper. that is 8 freaking chapters of details, definitions, names, dates and shit to remember... some of the freaking names i can't even spell or pronouce... what shit sia~

my dear lecturer for Crime & Women have NOT even bother to reply any of my emails despite i have finished all the assignements except for the final essay exam. i could feel the clock ticking away but i just kinda lost that focus, that drive, that pace~ i have 3 weeks to the deadline for this semester, so 3 weeks to prepare for 2 exams should be more than enough right? I hope so~

now i just wanna get back in pace and get things going...

i really dun care about "he say, she say".... so stop bothering me with all these shit...

it is already thursday, weekend is coming... i used 3 days to write up an article review (so unlike me), and wasted some precious time away while trying to just chill a bit...

i'll get back on my feet and get the pace going... just hope there will be PEACE!!!

that's all folks!
till then~

18th Aug

2010-08-18T13:40:00.002+08:00

woah, now then i realize my last entry was on the 5th Aug...
i really wanted to blog, but there are just too many things on my mind, and i have to weigh what to write and what NOT to write.
i hate this, the censorship part? seriously... i hate it... but "LIKE I CARE"

the terrorism exam paper that i took? damn~ i studied and was expecting an essay based exam as mentioned in the study guide, then when the paper came, it was 50 MCQ!
I went WTF? the thing about preparing exams for me is that, if it is essay based, i focus on topics and points, but if MCQ, i need to focus on details like definitions, names, dates, theories by whom... but somehow i still managed to "i think" secure at least 25 points to pass??? i dunno, my lecturer did not get back to me yet. So i dunno how i fare... but honestly, if one is well prepared for an exam, regardless is it essay based or MCQ, one should not have problem... guess i took the short cut and got slap. So i emailed my lecturer, told him to expect my mid-term paper and ask about the format for the final paper, he said 50MCQ... that ease me a little.

Family....
DRAMA, DRAMA, and more DRAMA!!!!
at first it was still tolerable, i could still do my work, study etc...
but lately, it kinda getting outta hand and it is affecting my studies...
for Crime & Women, i seriously wonder if i will even pass... with all the drama going on, and the subject itself isn't easy (thanks to the lecturer), i still managed to finish all my assignments, article review, theory application etc, but i doubt i will score. No, she have not get back to me about the grades...
so should i be expecting a big "F"? not that "F" lar! "F"= Fail...

You know, all these family drama, made me realize one thing very clear, people- human beings are selfish even though they are all blood related. They stab you, stomp on you, trash you just to make themselves look better, seem more righteous and for whatever else the reason is.

i have been hiding in my room all the time, it is MY ROOM, my place, my hole, my solace and peace, but lately even this peace have been violated... you dun fucking come into my room and yell at me for something i didn't do. just because you are so into the idea that i betrayed you then why fucking bother to talk to me? You can call that sembawang bitch and yell at her, but you won't... coz she's on YOUR SIDE!
how many times must i repeat that i don't take sides? i am speaking from a third-party point of view and i still maintain that only the 3 of them can resolve this problem.

all the crying, sobbing and shit are all fake attempts to look pathatic and gain sympathy... i used to buy that shit, but no more from now on... because i have finally realize what this family means and how "close" we all are... because of this problem, i have manage to see clearly each of your faces and the real monster you guys are hiding...

because of all these, i have learned to stand firmly on my own beliefs and that it defines a lot to me...

i no longer hope for any reunification, coz i know, i rather die than to sit down and pretend everything is okay~ its not!

now i want to do my best to focus on my studies, get work done and be done for this semester.

this is just some updates, the "preaching" shit will come in the next entry~
for now, i really don't care, and i don't want to care!

2010-08-05T21:25:00.002+08:00

tomorrow i will be sitting for my mid-term paper for Terrorism... a subject that i managed to finish within 3 weeks...

this subject i'd scored 11 A(s) for all the essay and written papers... now i'm waiting for the mid-term and final-term then i'm done with this subject.

For the past few weeks i was totally engrossed with my books and all i want is to conquer all the essays and papers and finish it as fast as i could... for that few weeks, family drama is still spinning, and i find it hard to concentrate. But thankfully i still managed to do well... I'm NOT gifted or what, its the amount of time i spent sitting at my desk, drilling myself with all the words and stuff... the discipline of setting dead-lines for myself...

I hate exams... coz my pea brain can never remember things properly, and sadly, the things i remember is always negative, and these negative thoughts go way back...

the husband always ask me, why do i keep looking back~ my answer? i dunno how to look ahead. Since 12, i know what is "Future", but i never thought of myself having one... so i learned to live day by day... till THIS very day, i still feel the same.

This is a very odd thinking coz 3 years ago, i'm just a PSLE holder, now, i'm just modules away from a double major degree... i'd come a long way, very hard and tiring way... there are times i feel i cannot take it anymore, i miss working, i miss being independent... i feel so dead inside... and all the questions that people kept asking is "when you graduating?"

life is supposed to be better now... but i dunno, i still feel incomplete... maybe is the family drama, maybe because i dunno how to let people into my world... thus there is always this void that people feel when they are with me... even though i'm next to them, they will still feel that i'm far away...

i thought getting married things will change, but i realized the husband and i focus on different aspect of the marriage... i'm more concerned about the "connection" whereas him... i dunno... perhaps just the basic stuff like everyone else is concerned? stuff like so long we don't fight, there is bread on the table? i dunno... but i always feel that he don't understand what i'm talking about, and i'd stopped talking about it.

the 3 weeks when i'm totally engrossed with my books, i lost touch and contact with the rest of the world, i forgot what is a Facebook, MSN and even my own blog... the only time i step out of my room, is to eat or toilet break... and nothing else...

And the drama that is still going on at home, just shut me down even further...

i almost forgot how to talk and communicate with other people... maybe because there is too much for me to want to talk about, nor~ i'm so numb that i have nothing to share. Extreme right? Though it is very tiring to have to drill and focus so hard and to write all the essays which i have no idea what the hell i'm writing, it still feels better than going out. Maybe because i enjoy being alone... the silence, the peace... in my own world... i feel safe...

anywayz, enough of emo shit, wish me luck for the exam and hopefully i can retain some of the stuff i'd studied...

essay exams, just hope my right wrist can take the pain...
i'd been writing a lot and it hurts like hell lately, but i'm pushing through the pain... and i will continue to.

i will get my degree and disappoint those whom prayed that i fail, coz i will fight twice or even trice as hard coz i know, that is a "future" that is near...

2010-08-05T20:54:00.000+08:00

过去总是挥不去
再坚强记忆仍像恶梦不醒
我的泪水淌过你的天空
雨下不停心好痛

零 - 柯有伦

2010-08-05T20:48:00.002+08:00

从来不相信我的世界可以有多完美
痛苦寂寞还有一些疲惫
不允许他人随意进入我的零度空间
宁愿孤独懒的再去想谁

俩个人一起是否只是得到一种安慰
挣脱过去然后忘记一切
没想过有天我的结局忽然全部改变
谁会抓住我的无力双臂

怎么会哭
(谁错谁对为谁抱歉)
不会再哭
(谁错谁对为谁憔悴)

走入零度空间等到一切分裂
就算爱的危险我们一起面对
来不及的防备没听过的誓言
要我怎么学会多了爱的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔
放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天
新的明天

俩个人一起是否只是得到一种安慰
挣脱过去然后忘记一切
没想过有天我的结局忽然全部改变
谁会抓住我的无力双臂

怎么会哭
(谁错谁对为谁抱歉)
不会再哭
(谁错谁对为谁憔悴)

走入零度空间等到一切分裂
就算爱的危险我们一起面对
来不及的防备没听过的誓言
要我怎么学会多了爱的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔
放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天
新的明天

走出零度空间终于一切分裂
就算爱的很累我却不会后悔
放下所有防备一切都无所谓
逃出黑暗世界开始新的明天
新的明天
新的世界

2010-07-25T23:38:00.003+08:00

woooo yoooo...

such a huge gap~

pai seh lar, been totally absorbed into my books... now then i realized... being a final year student is totally not fun and very stressful~ all the lecturers expects the students to recognize and know all the theories by the finger tips and the questions for the essays are really for nut-jobs... it consists of research for articles, then apply them to the readings of the text and application of theories... i'm so stressed out by all these essays and i have like another 10 or so to go...

next to studies is family~
i dunno why, but peace is out of the topic...
i CANNOT say or disclose more because i'd been framed in many areas regarding my disclosure of details on my blog

on the side note,
i don't understand why there are bitches around that loves to spoil harmony and take things away from others and think so highly of themselves...
they love to hurt others and enjoy seeing their pain...
act selfishly and full of lies, telling the world otherwise... i hope you rot in hell~

for me to bring back a full huge bag of shit all the way from the states doesn't even deserve a "thanks"... you think what, i fucking owe you huh?

did you tell people on msn how you leech money from mom's joint alternate account for your own spendings? and God knows how much you have taken from her and to actually return her...

did you tell people including your husband that you left a whole junk of debts and shit before you went china?

next time when you wanna be all nice and warmy inviting people to your house, do learn to be honest with them instead of just showing that fake nice ass of yours.

you were never ever once on my side regardless what the story is... your logic is always the opposite of mine, and somehow it becomes who you are. The opposite of me and leaning towards just one side of the story. Did Ben tell you that he cheated on me and brought that old slut back to his place and ask me to beg for him to stay? Did he tell you that he was having an affair with this chick at work?
FUCK~ why am i repeating all these again? because regardless how many times i try to explain, you won't listen, no matter how i try to explain, i'm always wrong and i deserve whatever bad outcome that happens to me.

you advise divorce, so you can leech more money? knowing that she her bank will be full because she no longer has to pay for bills? invite her over to stay at your place so you can save your nanny fees? go on, poision her with all your rubbish and nonesense about me and everyone else so you can have all the perks...

it is amazing for me to see how people you don't even bother to know or like can suddenly be your friend and be invited to your house, is it because of the fact she is an American citizen and her baby wears the branded clothes that you cannot afford? or is it to tell more tales about me so you look good?

i honestly hate you... i have seen a lot and all kinds of person on this earth, but i'd never seen anyone as disgusting as you. remember, karma falls onto our kids, not us... do all the damage you like, you got two kiddos... i wish them well...

i dun want to be flaming all the way here, so perhaps it won't make a lot of sense of what i'm trying to say.

i'm pretty much filled with lots of anger and disappointment, but the thing now is to focus on my final year of studies and get my double degree. this is what i care now. FOR YOU~ go to hell... that's where you belong...

2010-07-14T12:40:00.002+08:00

sorry guys for the big void...

the thing is, life was so boring, i had nothing to blog about, then came my classes, i'm swamped and have no time to blog.

so far everything has been okay and as for the family drama, it is the usual ruse~ same arugment, same old topics, same old threats.

i have learned not to care about it, but i feel so pissed all the time...

still nothing to blog for now...
let me just catch up with my classes for now...

2010-07-01T20:24:00.001+08:00

张惠妹如果你也听说

突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说

夜把心洋葱般剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
像普通旧朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温热

张惠妹-如果你也听说

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作

夜把心洋葱般剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
像普通旧朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温热

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔

如果你想起我
你会想到什么

2010-07-01T09:09:00.002+08:00

i'm now sitting in my office waiting for daddy dearest to come so we can settle some paper work stuff...

it is only freaking 9am~ i doubt he will be here anytime before 10am, so i'm wasting my time surfing net and now, blogging.

the verdict of the house is out (FINALLY), we are to pay that skanky ass 7% of the total net profit from the current market vulation after deducting off all the misc charges such as stamp fees and stuff. To us, it is considered a victory because the judge saw through her plot of trying sabo us and gave a fair verdict. but that skanky ass has 2 weeks to appeal and i believe she will because she is seeking MORE than what is given, and her baffon lawyer believes the same, so all the dragging and stuff, its gonna take another month or so... i have already requested a valuation for the apartment, so i hope that skanky ass will be co-operative and arrange a time with the valuator...

at least there is light on something... i can't wait for my classes to start, so far Arium have yet to receive my study package and the books, so i'm still on the waiting list.

i wanna move things along and not let it be stale and stagnant.

its the first of July~ i have officially wasted another month away doing nothing. So much about being productive.

i'm feeling so sleepy and tired... didn't sleep well last night, now my eyes can barely open... =.=""""

k lar, so much for now...

will blog soon when there is something to blog about...

have a great July ahead~!

2010-06-26T22:10:00.002+08:00

nice void...

been starring at the screen for a long time, dunno what to blog...

momsy is away for holiday~ which is a good thing... but~ before hours of the flight, she had to make sure there is enough MILO stacked in the fridge for him in case he gets hungry and lazy, that annoyed me real bad~ because she left no space for me to stack my 100+ and coke... all she cared about was brother dearest... apparently he is still the baby of the house...

a lazy baby i must say...
lazy to the extend he rather drive the car out, deprive me of using the car than to walk out or call a cab out... so much about his previous sayings of not wanting the car, literally the car belongs to him now and is part of him... should i add that my ex-poor baby have not been washed for months... the interior has not been vaccumed or cleaned... the dust builds up on the dashboard and it kinda gross me out to have to drive in it.

so much about dad complaining that i don't take care of the car~ oh well, he got eyes to see for himself now...

lately i was talking to a friend and the right thing to do is to move away from this place and let them rot in hell... of course they won't rot in hell, coz every single penny bro spends on cab whether to bring his GF in or out of the estate he claims from mom whom is more than willing to give... so much about me trying to save the extra dollars... just that i'm not as thick-skinned to be claiming for every cent~ but that is just me, because they would believe that dad is giving me tons of cash for all purpose... so why am i whinning?

looks like i gotta learn to be selfish and care for myself more than anyone in the family whom~ apparently only care for themselves. why should i be the idoit and sacrifice so much for nothing? walking out to the estate because i don't want to spend money on calling-cab... waiting for the husband to do me deliveries because i don't want to waste money calling in for food...

why should i be the idiot? so fed-up with all these shit...

see, i complain too much... because i'm mad~ fuming mad...

all these inconsiderate arse-hole....

that's why there's a saying every man for their own... and now i understand what it means...

so from now on, i'm gonna be for my own and no body else...

i dread this fuck-up family system that everyone else comes first except me. i hate it, and i really hate it...

there are so many things i hate right now and i'm boiling mad...

i had to skip dinner because dear bro park the car along the main road just to have dinner with his GF and i couldn't use the car because i won't be in time to pick him up... why should i care? he can either walk in or cab in... i'm miserable because i cared too much.... THIS IS THE FREAKING PRICE I HAVE TO PAY!

for caring too much...

who cares for me? not mom, not sis, not bro apparently not dad as well...
everyone based their concern on their convenience... and i'm not a part of it...
because i'm so independent i can fend for myself, because i'm so strong i don't need all these...

to me, they are plain BULL-SHIT for being selfish...

don't bother explain lar... fuck off and save it for yourself...

i have enough!

2010-06-19T19:04:00.003+08:00

this is gonna be rather random... so if it doesn't make sense to you~ then don't bother to try to figure it out.

what do most of you look for in a partner?
- love
- comfort
- sense of humour
- sense of security
- able to take care of you
- able to provide

the list can go on and on...

for me, it is simple~
love, sense of security, able to take care of HIMSELF (NOT ME)...

but i realized, the husband can barely take care of himself, and he walks around with this air of arrogance that everything will be okay. he forgot about how i would feel...

i'm ok with his long working hours, i'm ok with "nothing much to talk about", but i'm not ok when he can't even take care of himself.

He made a blunder, made a whole mess outta nothing, and now he's paying the price of it, and he is barely coping, and i dunno why he can still sleep so soundly at night... doesn't he understsand the seriousness of the problem?

i dun want to put him down on my blog, because i dun want you guys to judge him, but i'm upset at him, so upset that i wanna kick his ass back to his parents, come find me when he's thru with all the troubles...

but ain't couples supposed to share everything? but i feel that i'm maxed out~ i got so much in my head to worry about, my family, my school, my own allowance etc...

the husband says i think too much... how can i NOT think? i don't even take an extra cent from my family besides my usual allowance, i have bills to pay as well, but i manage well within my means. And the husband~ went all the way OUT OF HIS MEANS... this is how screwed up he is... and he can merely just joke it off, blaming times are bad now and it will get better, else he can say take it as he owe it to us...

this is not the attitude i'm looking for...

the weird thing is~

my first husband, always complain no money but have secretly stashed up cash and lots of it, so much so, within 6 mths after the final papers of the divorce is out, he moved house, bought a new car and apparently got married too~ not to mentioned, con me to find a lawyer and paid for the freaking divorce that cost about 3K! while which he was happily hugging and fluanting that old skanky shaggy ass down town.

so i'm the slut that cheats on my husband when he moves on like some bullet train...

now my husband, claims to have lots of money when he has none...
forget about the things he promised me before i signed the damn paper, but i expect my man to be able to care for himself, dun even have to bother to care or provide for me.

am i asking for too much?

is the happiness i want that far-fetched?

that aside~

Amy and I went down-town yesterday~ ya, i managed to crawl outta my hole!
i had to go buy some new clothes because apparently my doc changed my meds and those meds put on so much weight suddenly~ my usual shirt don't fit anymore, and i need a new pair of jeans... i complained to my doc and she changed back to the ones that don't gain weight, but it will take time for the extra pounds to wear off... it is so depressing that i don't even want to see myself in the mirror...

i gained so much weight ever since my heart surgery (no exercise for 1 year) then my other meds that caused the weight gain... i actually managed to lose some weight before my doc gave me the new ones to try, within a week, i put on 3KG! can you imagine how insane this is? so now i'm back to my normal "no weight gain" meds but still, it will gain weight but at a minimal...

trying to eat less carbo, i can't go jogging or so because my heart rate is still at 160bp, so if i start jogging, its gonna go up and harlow~ heart-attack!
my doc already warned me about allowing my heart-rate to go up...

i wanna go swim, but the funny thing is~
i got nice smooth long hair, i dun want the clorine to ruin it... lol~
so vain right...

tomorrow is sunday, i used to look forward to Sunday coz the husband is off, but i dunno since when, i began to dread sunday coz i dunno what to do, i dunno what to say, so i sleep till late... then late lunch or so... i dunno...

当爱情变感情因该怎么办?

i have been asking people that know me for a while...
how well they know me... then i realized~ they dun really know me coz i have so many sides of me and i never ever really let anyone into my world...

am i that dark and twisted?

if i allow you into my world, will you promise not to wreck it?
if i give you my heart, will you break it or mend it?
but how to break a broken heart?

this is the time i wish my dark twisted blog pics are around...

this is a awfully dark post for a blog that is so cherry and nice...

i'm at lost to know what to do...

anyone? help?

2010-06-12T21:26:00.002+08:00

been no post coz nothing special happened...

my personal life aside, just some questions for you guys to think about...

when was the last time you took a trip to somewhere and totally enjoyed the trip without thinking what's going back at home?

when was the last time you laughed your heart out with tears and felt truly happy and blessed?

when was the last time you sit next to your partner and felt truly loved?

i'm asking all these because these are the few questions that kept ringing in my head...
i dun have the answers to all the above...

what is truly loved? what is truly happy and blessed?

i'm not complaining that i'm not blessed, i am~ but there seem to be a greater deeper meaning into it.
and whatever this meaning is, i'm not getting it.

my week is fairly normal, except that i'm not getting the usual night sleep i would desperately need, and i'm sleeping at all the wrong time... i couldnt't sleep till 3-4 am and i would then laze on the bed till 3-4 pm~ coz nothing movtivates me to want to wake up and do something. My tables are cleaned, the books are nicely stacked... i am just waiting~

waiting is a terrible way to past time... coz your mind would be all over the place and you have no idea where it would stop.

i am still waiting for my class to start and i'm still waiting for the verdict of the housing issue to be out. its worse than waiting for the lottery to be announced... that kind of wait.... it kills~

kills any vibe you might have about anything positive.

i dun wanna go out, coz to go get bathed and dressed up is a chore... so i have been home- full-time home for months now... i move around from my room to the toilet, to the kitchen and back into my room again...

i'm just bored, and really bored...

2010-06-08T15:24:00.002+08:00

another week has come and gone, and we are already in the middle of another week...
so how's life for the past few days or week?
i would say its been the same~
nothing much to talk about coz nothing much happened.

The verdict of the housing issue is not out yet, as according to my lawyer, she says that we've got ourselves a fair and good judge and she's going through the papers to come up with a reasonable justifiable amount of compensation to that skanky ass. what i don't understand is why do we need to give her the reasonable amount when all these while she is a free lodger? Anyway, lawyer said that the judge will break down the amount of compensation together with a reason why certain amount goes to her, so i can only put faith in our legal system that all would be fair...

momsy returned from her holiday and so far there is peace~ no drama, nothing... but bro and i are keeping out fingers crossed. I dunno when she'll go all ballistic again~

work is fine, most of what i should do is done... so there is nothing much on my desk at the moment. There are still work that i have yet to be able to complete due to some weird reasons but i'm working my way through. it should be done by this week.

i am still restless and tired all the time... maybe i sleep too much, but sleeping helps to pass time... it seems like time goes a little faster when i'm asleep and instead of starring at the clock going "tick tok tick tok"...

see, told you nothing much happened...
but i do enjoy the peace and quietness i have at the moment, and i wish things will stay this way~

its drizzling outside right now... it reminds me of the chilling weather at Portland... i love rainy days... i hate the bright shiny sun~ feels like i'm gonna burn under the sun~ no, i dun glitter and shine like the cullens... but i feel terrible under the bright shiny sun

it is already 3.45pm... few more hours to go before the day ends...
gonna get back to my "leisure" reading "Criminal profiling"...
need some stuff to get my pea brain to work...
been reading some psychology journals as well...
sounds boring i know, but there is only THIS much i can do for the time being...

i hope you guys will have a great week ahead, while i keep praying for what i'm waiting to come~
- my classes to start
- the verdict of the house to be annouced

你最近還好嗎

2010-06-04T16:02:00.002+08:00

挑一張耶誕卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底你能不能收到它
天有點冷風有點大城市寧靜而喧嘩
這一個冬天我得一個人走回家

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裡回聲變得好大
有沒有什麼好方法
讓寂寞變聽話

你最近還好嗎
是不是也在思念裡掙扎
你說會記得我還記得嗎

你最近還好嗎
忙碌嗎累嗎心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快樂出發

有再多的牽掛都已沒有權利表達　
舊情人給的問候比陌生人還尷尬　
昨天遠了明天還長回憶模糊但巨大
這樣的深夜眼淚要怎樣不流下

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裡回聲變得好大
有沒有什麼好方法
讓寂寞變聽話

你最近還好嗎
是不是也在思念裡掙扎
你說會記得我還記得嗎

你最近還好嗎
忙碌嗎累嗎心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快樂出發

2010-06-01T23:44:00.002+08:00

finally, the big Bday thingy is over~

basically i slacked the entire eve away by doing nothing. Though Amy and I checked-in to Bayview, we slacked there the entire afternoon watching TV and just chit-chat...

dinner was at Novus and it was a over-too much dinner... we ate about 6 course and by the time we left, we were bloated and totally full...

went back to the room, counted down and watched "Scream 2"... lousy movie but i wonder why it scares the hell outta me at that time when it first premier...

Went to lala land after the movie

Amy woke up early the next day and she got me my favorite coffee from starbucks and a piece of cake from dunno where... ate my cake and had my coffee...
we checked out real soon coz i woke up late and then we went to Bugis junction for lunch. I wanted and craved for beef noodles but i could barely finish half of it... i was overly stoned by then and we left after buying some stuff...

i got back home and went to catch up on the Zzzzzzz debt and it was time for dinner.
dinner was good... nice food, nice chit-chat... finished about 9.30pm and went back home to slack even more.

basically that is my Bday "celebration" and it is that's the way i am... i like things to be simple and drama free... this year, the little episode was that momsy called like about twice telling me she's bored at home and that i must tell dad its my bday and take money from him (which i did not)...

nope there were no kodak moments to speak off, so my camera was really there for nothing. I wasn't in the mood to smile or anything, plus there wasn't anything interesting to take pictures of.

today~~
finally, the first week of June... means the verdict of the house might be released in a few days time and i'm anxious to know what is the outcome. just pay her off and get her skanky ass outta the house ASAP! at least the option of staying on or moving is more viable than to just think about "what ifs"...

first week of june also means that anytime from now my classes will start...
so this week will be pretty exciting and interesting~
can't wait for all these to unfold itself and set the path straight....

all these have nothing to do with me seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as to me, no matter how fast light travels, darkness is already there waiting for the light... its like you have a light stick but you are out in the woods, all alone and you can't even see your own hands, how bright do you think the lightstick will be?
get the drift?

i just want all these drama to be done and get over with, so i can move on to the next chapter of my life and not be bothered by all these painful and miserable shit.

First week of June... my long awaited anticipation~

Final Electives

2010-05-27T14:24:00.003+08:00

Yeah...

Finally got my study plan from Arium confirmed by ASC my final electives...

School Violence

crime and women

terrorism

juvenile deliquency

proverty

drug abuse and society

theories of criminal behavior and analysis

forensic evidence

now i'm all fired up and ready to go!
all i'm waiting now is my textbooks and study materials to be ready and YOOOOO HOOOOOO! i'm back on track!

can't wait!!!!

你不是真正的快乐

2010-05-26T20:05:00.003+08:00

你不是真正的快乐

人群中哭着你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了你已经决定了

你静静忍着紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜就是越伤人
越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深切切淡掉了

你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则不是你的选择
于是你含着眼泪飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞地走着

你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了然后再后悔着

你不是真正的快乐你的笑只是你穿的保护色
~~你决定不恨了~~ 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

你知道真正的快乐你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让全悲伤部结束在此刻重新开始活着

2010-05-26T15:24:00.002+08:00

hey all...

it is seldom and rare that i have posts so close to one another unless there is something happening going on.

but this is not the case, i'm blogging to tell you guys that i have removed my previous archives and left only the more recent posts on my blog. Reason being- thanks to Sky, i realized that when someone hit search for my company U.C, my blog comes up as i have mentioned it in my blog and somehow then it becomes a public thingy.

I know, blogs are meant to be public but i prefer to keep it to my friends only and not attract unwanted attention. So to prevent my dirty laundry from leaking out to the big world, i'd removed the archives and so my dirty stuff are kept in the closet. LOLZ~

no big deal right? i mean how many of you actually read my past archives? i feel that they are there mainly for myself because i like to know what the hell i was doing the exact day from last year or the year before. Just like to look back and be engrossed.

anywayz...

despite having a open blog, i'm still very much a private person.
i know who are the faithful readers and i'm thankful that you guys took the effort to keep up with the latest happenings in my life. I really appreciate and i can feel the LOVE! lol...

ya, i know, the Bday is coming closer, nope, no plans yet...
i dunno what to plan~ coz i'm still weary about the Bday curse...
so i don't want to disappoint myself or land myself in some bad predicatment, i rather just keep it hush hush and just go through with it like any other day.
last year, i remember despite the crazy elephant countdown, the actual day of 30th, i was with Scott and WE both would remember how dad called and yelled at me for an hour and i was totally upset by that. so much for not wanting to believe in Bday curse~

fine, i know i'm rambling rubbish here...

whatever~

till there are more updates...